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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my parents not to go abroad near my due date

198 replies

vetmam · 25/06/2018 23:16

My younger sister and I don't get on and never have, a problem which has been exacerbated over the years by our mum's massive favouritism towards her. Dad does love me and we have lots in common, but isn't much support from my POV as always backs up my mum 100%. My sister has massive jealousy issues generally, always thinks the world owes her something, and is at her very nastiest when she thinks I've got something she hasn't.

I am pregnant with my first baby and my parents' first grandchild. Sister has been pretty horrible throughout and even my mum admitted that she was 'struggling' with the fact that I am pregnant (to my SIL, she'd never admit to me that my sister is jealous of me!)

Last week we heard that my sister is paying to take my parents and her dog away on holiday to France. Invited my youngest brother but obviously not me/DH and not our other brother&SIL either. Not bothered about that tbh as wouldn't have gone but later found out from my SIL that they are leaving 5 days after my due date.

I am really upset that my parents have agreed to this. I know lots of women who've gone overdue by a week or so with their first baby - if that happens to me, there's a very good chance they will miss seeing their grandchild as a newborn. If anything goes wrong, even if baby arrives on the dd, we could be stuck in hospital for a while. We have pets and will need family support in that situation (DH's family will DEFINITELY help us, but live minimum 90 mins away and also have pets to organise whereas my parents are very local and it's just them and my 20yo youngest brother).

I'm not that surprised at my sister's choice of timing here but really hurt and disappointed with my parents. They normally pander to her and never say no but shouldn't they have done this time? I obviously don't begrudge them a holiday but they are going away by themselves for 2 weeks next month so they will have had one this summer. Am I wrong/selfish/entitled to expect them to be around for me near my dd?

OP posts:
Doilooklikeatourist · 26/06/2018 08:47

Oh goodness OP , there were some nasty comments to you on here last night
I would have been very upset if my parents had gone away when I was due a baby
Dad even wheelchaired my Grandma into see us ( and the baby was her 7th great grandchild )
Your sister is being very unkind , and I’m surprised at your parents going along with the plans

Mix56 · 26/06/2018 08:49

IMO this is just the drop that overflows the glass. You should go very low contact with your parents. Mother
or try & see your Dad (when your sister isn't around.) & talk adult to adult about this.
They clearly have a "golden child"
There is probably nothing you can do about it, & to save being hurt further avoid them.

rosesandflowers1 · 26/06/2018 08:52

When I was pregnant for the first time my parents (especially my mother) were so supportive and it was invaluable to me. I would have definitely been upset if they had taken a holiday to France!

I think it goes deeper than just that though, they're prioritising what your sister wants, over what you want, when you're much more vulnerable. And of course there's the obvious that a holiday can happen any time; your baby is going to be born when it's going to be born.

If your sister has form for this, is it possible that she purposely put the holiday near your due date?

sludgie · 26/06/2018 09:00

No Yanbu.

My mother came down for a whole week when my DC1 was born, leaving my teen siblings to cope for a week. (Older teens).

I think it's hurtful, and a manipulation by your sister, and you have a right to feel hurt. Let them play the games, they will do nothing but lose out in years to come. Focus on your little family and ignore them.

Meralia · 26/06/2018 09:02

I get where you’re coming from. It’s like your sister has invited them deliberately because she knows when you might go into labour, and she’s jealous and wants your parents to miss out on being there when their first grand child arrives.

I wouldn’t be happy at all, and I would definitely talk to them about it. It’s a bit of a shitty thing for your sister to do.

I wouldn’t definitely make it clear to your mum, how you feel about it and also about the favouritism. I don’t know why your parents would want to go anyway when it’s so close to the due date?

QueenOfMyWorld · 26/06/2018 09:04

I sort of see where you're coming from, my parents wouldn't have done it however my MIL did and got back from holiday 5 days after ds was born

QueenOfMyWorld · 26/06/2018 09:05

Why is she jealous of your pregnancy? Is she struggling to get pregnant?

Dustywillow · 26/06/2018 09:13

I think some of the posters on here are harsh!
My family have been so supportive of both my pregnancies /birth. The 2nd time we have moved over 3 hours away from family and my mum came to stay for the first 3 weeks . My sister a week after that then my dh brother a week after that! I thought it was lovely for everyone to help and my children have such a good bond with the whole family. I would hate it if my parents went away or showed no interest.
Really feel for you op hoping they see what they have missed out on if the miss the birth when all your other family are there and they aren’t !

WineAndTiramisu · 26/06/2018 09:14

YADNBU

You've had some harsh replies on here, your sister sounds like a twat...

My mum was around after the birth of my DD, my dad went and picked our dogs up to look after them, they visited me every day, and my MIL came up Tuesday-Friday for weeks 3-6 as I'd had a caesarean to help out (DP had the first 2 weeks off, but she did come up when DD was a couple of days old to see her)

Yes, I'd have coped without all that, but they were excited and wanted to help, and it was most welcome. I'd have been upset if they had gone on holiday around my due date. Yes you can't expect help but you're definitely not BU.

WineAndTiramisu · 26/06/2018 09:14

Oh and MIL lives 2.5 hours away

Serenadreamer · 26/06/2018 09:14

I have a similar relationship with my parents. I have three children and each time my birth date approached they have either booked a holiday to coincide or arranged to see my older sister who is the favourite (as noticed by other family members as well.). Therefore I mean this kindly, but you need to get real and not allow yourself to rely on them or to have any expectations. I see my sister and parents as acquaintances/non close. friends in my head - people who I see, make polite conversation with, share memories but don't rely on. My family unit is my husband and children. Posters who tell you that their mum and dad dropped everything for them, cleaned the house, etc etc are doing you a disservice because your relationship with them is not like that and probably will never be like that. You can't change their behaviour just how you let. It affect you.

Meralia · 26/06/2018 09:15

And why do other posters feel the need to be rude to the OP? with comments such as ‘are you always this dramatic?’, or ‘grow up’.

It’s a perfectly valid situation to be miffed about.

daffodil10 · 26/06/2018 09:18

Serenadreamer exactly right!

LimeCheesecaker · 26/06/2018 09:19

Sorry OP, I think you’re being a bit unreasonable, but I can also see why this is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. If you didn’t have issues with your family I’d say it was unreasonable to expect others to curtail what they wanted to do just because it’s your due date, but I see why it hurts more because of the history between you and them. Ultimately there’s not a lot you can do other than remind yourself that most people have their babies without them being seen immediately by relatives and you can get taxis if you need lifts places.

LadyGAgain · 26/06/2018 09:21

YADNBU OP. I would also feel sad by this decision and completely understand why you do too. I don't understand the harsh and quite frankly mean comments on this thread. First time Mum wants her parents around when she has a baby? Completely reasonable. And achievable as they love close by and seem to have a good relationship. You would be reasonable to gently mention your hurt to your parents too. I wish you every happiness on the birth of your child. You can't change your sisters behaviour but perhaps you can decide to ignore it from here on in. It's a shame your parents haven't done the same thing.

specialsubject · 26/06/2018 09:21

while a newborn does nothing but eat, scream, sleep and excrete and so is uninteresting, time to rise above your sisters childish attitudes. make your own life and stop wasting energy on her. your parents can make their choices.

if pets too much hassle, rehome. and certainly never have more.

vandrew4 · 26/06/2018 09:25

book kennels for the dog and get a neighbour to feed the cat?

SinkGirl · 26/06/2018 09:27

OP, of course YANBU - some people are so ridiculous. It’s not entitled to feel hurt by this, especially within context.

My mum died a few months before I got pregnant with my twins, her much longed for grandchildren. You’d have had to drag her away by wild horses.

As it happened we had a really tough time, one Home and one in nicu for months - my sister visited once but I didn’t see my MIL or any other family for months. We survived and so will you, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be hurt.

SinkGirl · 26/06/2018 09:28

Wow, there are some real masterclasses in how to be a twat here...

wasthataburp · 26/06/2018 09:34

YANBU - you want your mum and dad to support you and want to show off your baby to them. why would that be unreasonable?!

i would not be happy either if this was me! your parents have already made the decision however you should definitely tell them how you feel because it will only fester once the baby is here and you will resent them if you dont put it out in the open

diddl · 26/06/2018 09:35

"If you didn’t have issues with your family I’d say it was unreasonable to expect others to curtail what they wanted to do just because it’s your due date, "

I agree-especially since Op seems to want her parents to be there just in case they are needed to look after the dogs.

Jamiefraserskilt · 26/06/2018 09:58

Your parents are adults. They made the decision to go. Your sister may be selfish but they could always have said no. I am sure you and dh will cope admirably without them. It is their loss. Sad but true.

AveABanana · 26/06/2018 10:10

Your sister's won this one! But you have to drop the rope. Don't say anything, don't pull the rope back. Leave her to this 'victory'. Unless your parents are going on a six month cruise they will still be around to help.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/06/2018 10:23

I’d be hurt and disappointed too. You and DH will manage, but it would have been nice to be the priority.

Is the holiday booked? Or just pencilled in.

Theclockstruck2 · 26/06/2018 11:46

YANBU however there isn’t much you can do. I think your parents will regret not being around and hopefully they will come straight over when you get back. Perhaps you could have a conversation with your mum and say you wish she was going to be there? Not to guilt trip her or throw a strop but maybe tell her how much you would love her to share this with you?

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