by 'devastating ' my DM?

[RapunzelsRealMom]

A little bit of background:
DM has helped with some childcare over the years. This has been a help, to a degree, but often more of a hindrance re her overstepping boundaries. The main reason she did it was for ‘alone time’ with DCs.

About a year ago she was diagnosed with cancer. Thank goodness she is now well and has finished her treatment. Her day to day life is back to normal (more or less) but she’s still not quite ‘herself’. By this, I mean that she’s not as aware of things, she’s talked to me about chemo brain, asked if side effects to her drugs included confusion. She walked out onto the road the other day with DC (age5) when I told her a van was coming. There’s more but that’s the gist.

So she asked me if she can go back to looking after the kids. DH and I have talked and talked about this! We are both in agreement, for the reasons above plus others, that this can’t happen.

I practiced what to say and how to say it in as kind a way as possible, and then put it away to the back of my head, dreading the day we’d have to talk about it.

Basically, she is devastated. She categorically denied everything I said, claimed that I was entirely wrong on every example i gave. It was excruciating. She is devastated and it's my fault, as you can imagine (not DH, of course, it's all me).

I thought she’s understand once she’d had a chance to think about it but, the following day, I took a Father’s Day gift round for DSF and it was awful! He didn’t speak to me, apart from saying thank you. She couldn’t even look at me. The atmosphere was dreadful and helped only by the fact other visitors were there,

How am I supposed to deal with this? I’m a good mum and try to be a good daughter but it seems, on this occasion, I’m apparently being a shitty daughter by being a good mum.

She is not used to people saying no to her and I think this, plus the aftermath of cancer is making this very difficult. Going by past issues, I foresee that she’ll NEVER get over this.

What do I do?

It's a really tough situation but you have to stand firm if you really think your DS could be at risk of any harm and your DH needs to be seen to support you 100%

Can you not just present it as 'Mum, look, I love you and the children are older, they are now settled in their (new) childcare/schools with their friendship groups, we don't want to disturb their routines; they are older, more physically demanding, we think this would place an intolerable strain on you and Dad"

Is there any part way compromise you can make? because she's seeing as you not trusting her keeping her away from her grand children.

I really do empathise with you; we had this with the MIL demanding to do the childminding and really she wasn't fit enough to cope. I think it lasted three weeks before I had DS into a proper childminder.

I think you've done the right thing it's just a case of managing the shit storm it's created. I would just make sure DM knows she can see the kids often you just won't be relying on her for childcare. I would play down the fact that you don't really trust her with the DC (however reasonable your concerns obviously are). I think you may also have to give her time to come to terms with it. She's probably finding all the changes hard to come to terms with and this is another blow.

Sad as I am for your mum, your children's safety take absolute priority. It is a pity that she can't see this, but that's obviously part of the same problem ifswim.

I don't know how long your mums been in recovery but you could always work it that she is still getting back to normal and you don't feel she is ready yet. But when you feel she is up to the challenge you are happy to let her have the children again.

That's assuming that her memory issues are short term due the the medication and she will improve.
If she won't improve then unfortunately you have to be the bad guy and put your children first and not allow her to get her way.

Is she still taking any medication? May be worth getting her to have a chat to her GP about it - it could be something that could be remedied.

But yes you have to prioritise your DCs safety.

Totally agree with what you've done OP and with PPs.

I had very similar except that one grandma (MIL) is allowed to do childminding and one (DM) isn't for similar reasons. That was horrendous to explain! I felt like the nastiest person on earth. However when's it's to do with a child's safety there's nothing else to be done. In the end being honest and as kind as possible was the best thing.

You have done the right thing! And it sounds like deep down your Mum might know that too but can't face it yet.

Is there any chance that you could speak to your FIL, when your DMs not around. If you can explain to him your concerns, maybe he can get through to her, and she can come to terms with it.

your Children's safety is your priority... the end

Just say, "mum - you've been very ill and are still recovering. We do not want you to have anymore stress than is absolutely necessary. Just concentrate on getting better." Repeat.

What kind of childcare is she wanting to do? There must be a compromise?

Maybe you could frame it that you have noticed she doesn't seem fully back to herself and the children are very much a handful so you want to ease everyone back into it. Suggest a few hours a week in her own home?

If she won't accept this there's not much else you can do, you're not BU but she may see it as "punishment" for her illness. Invite her along with you and the children to plenty of days out and activities and see how she is, hopefully she will get back to herself.

I would say part of caring for your mum is helping back to full physical and cognitive health and that probably includes allowing her to get back to her routine and caring for her grandchildren. Without this she could go into decline. I don't think it's ok to make it a blanket "no more childcare".

Let things settle if possible without discussing it again too much. Say you will (if you want to) make effort to have more supervised visits/playtime instead so they will continue their relationship but just not relying for childcare.
Also would push that the current setup is working, rather than mention or get drawn into trawling through times /examples of when her judgement was off.

OP, sometimes doing the right thing doesn't feel good.
Like others have said, when your DM wants to talk about this again its probably worth saying this doesn't mean she can't see them at all, and that this is hopefully only temporary until she's back at or at least very near full capacity.

Both my MIL and DM have been through this fairly recently. DM is more like your DM, but we're lucky in that the distance we live is far enough that childcare isn't really an option. MIL OTOH does a lot of childcare for us, but was a lot more aware of how her treatment has and still does effect her. She took a long time before asking to have the DC, and went into it slowly.

What is it with all these weird mothers on MN?!
If she's devastated tough. You need your kids safe and she needs to recover. Also, if she has the tendency to be a bit toxic, your kids are better away from it.
Glad she's better.

You are doing the right thing by putting your kids safety first. Your Mum is being a tiny bit unreasonable not to see that, but her perspective is different.
My Mum also had impaired memory from chemo and it never got better. It took her many years to admit that to herself and come to terms with it.
Despite that, she did care for my DD when I went back to work, but we were able to do this in a way that she wasn't often alone with DD. My DH works a lot from home, so Mum would look after DD but he was still around.
However, her memory got worse and actually there did come a time when I had to stop Mum having any responsibility as she made several quite big mistakes that could have had bad consequences. But we still did lots together and when DD was a bit older I was able to give them some time together again as DD was less reliant on supervision - she probably was looking after Granny!
My point is, your Mum is probably still in denial about her memory and/or is not noticing it in the way you are objectively more able to. It's really hard to remember that you are forgetful. Memory works in odd ways. The other thing I would warn you of - in my experience - my Mum became exceptionally poor at anticipating risk or sequences of possible events. We had a near scalding incident because of this and Mum was devastated to realise it was actually her fault.

Could you ask your DF round for a coffee and talk to him about it once he has calmed down a bit?

Maybe he can talk some sense into her once things are less emotional.

How can there be a compromise?

Op can't play with her kid's safety for the sake of her mum getting her own way!

She needs to grateful for the "alone time" she's already had-and that she's still here to spend time with her GC-even if it's not exactly how she wants it!

I remember you posting about this before, in anticipation.
You have done the right thing, just stick to it, you cannot put your children at risk and clearly sf cannot supervise.
They will have to get over it, or not,,they can still see kids with you or dh, at yours, at theirs, or on outings.
It takes a long time to get over chemo, she may still be taking men's
Good Luck

Meds. Ffs

I wouldn't back peddle now. No 'ok, we'll see' or 'maybe for a few hours then' or 'it's just till you're better' ect.

You've DONE the hard part, don't dig the ground out from under yourself or you'll be having to say it all again in a few weeks/months!

The best thing to do now is let the dust settle for a couple of weeks. Carry on with your normal routine, ring and visit your parents as you normally would. If they continue with the cold shoulder you should raise the issue in a very calm and adult manner. Practice your responses to what they may say. For eg.

Them - We're upset about the grandkids ....

You (kindly) - Well, we can go over it again, i don't mind, but we've made a decision based on what we think is best for the family. Giving me the silent treatment from now on isn't going to help or change our minds. Lets put it behind us ect ect ect

With my parents if we've had a disagreement (nothing on this level) Once the initial upset has passed we can kind of brush it off by never mentioning it again.

Your SF is simply being loyal so I wouldn't worry too much about him, but I'd maybe leave it for a few days then start by asking to taking her out somewhere - tell her it is the kids idea as they can't wait to see her.

With regards to the Chemo brain. My DM had an embolism about 10 years ago and she plays a lot of scrabble to a very high level, I was playing with her quite regularly at the time and I honestly think it took a couple of years before she was even close to how she was before. The way it was described to me was that its not just the drugs causing it, the body has to throw every thing it has to make it better so it reduces less important functions like brain intelligence to aid the recovery.

My MIL wanted her mother to come and live with us for 6 months when my eldest was born, to provide 24/7 childcare. Not only did she not speak English, she was in her 80s!

My MIL didn't speak to me for weeks after I politely refused, though her mother did pass away suddenly just 6 months later so I felt sad, but vindicated.

From the OP:-
claimed that I was entirely wrong on every example i gave.

If you've presented her with a long list of 'faults' as to why she can no longer take care of her grandchild, then it's only natural that she's going to take it personally.

That doesn't mean you should change your mind, though. Arrange visits, keep the contact between your DD and your DM. If she doesn't come round - well tough, unfortunately. But don't let her sulking change your mind.

I'd suggest that if she is still has any professional support in relation to cancer that she asks them - GPs/nurses/cancer charity helplines whether they think it's a good idea for her to resume sole charge of young children while she is still dealing with the after effects of chemo.

I’m not a doctor, and I really don’t want to scare you, but please do make sure she’s talked to her GP or cancer team about the confusion.