by 'devastating ' my DM?

[RapunzelsRealMom]

A little bit of background:
DM has helped with some childcare over the years. This has been a help, to a degree, but often more of a hindrance re her overstepping boundaries. The main reason she did it was for ‘alone time’ with DCs.

About a year ago she was diagnosed with cancer. Thank goodness she is now well and has finished her treatment. Her day to day life is back to normal (more or less) but she’s still not quite ‘herself’. By this, I mean that she’s not as aware of things, she’s talked to me about chemo brain, asked if side effects to her drugs included confusion. She walked out onto the road the other day with DC (age5) when I told her a van was coming. There’s more but that’s the gist.

So she asked me if she can go back to looking after the kids. DH and I have talked and talked about this! We are both in agreement, for the reasons above plus others, that this can’t happen.

I practiced what to say and how to say it in as kind a way as possible, and then put it away to the back of my head, dreading the day we’d have to talk about it.

Basically, she is devastated. She categorically denied everything I said, claimed that I was entirely wrong on every example i gave. It was excruciating. She is devastated and it's my fault, as you can imagine (not DH, of course, it's all me).

I thought she’s understand once she’d had a chance to think about it but, the following day, I took a Father’s Day gift round for DSF and it was awful! He didn’t speak to me, apart from saying thank you. She couldn’t even look at me. The atmosphere was dreadful and helped only by the fact other visitors were there,

How am I supposed to deal with this? I’m a good mum and try to be a good daughter but it seems, on this occasion, I’m apparently being a shitty daughter by being a good mum.

She is not used to people saying no to her and I think this, plus the aftermath of cancer is making this very difficult. Going by past issues, I foresee that she’ll NEVER get over this.

What do I do?

Your instincts are good here. Your Mum obviously loves her GC but is blinded by her own wants in this.
My Mum passed away a couple of years ago and my DD (safe, alive and starting High School in September) has been regaling me with some previously unknown horrors (undiluted squash, eating road salt...) in addition to the ones I knew about!
Maybe you all need to calm down and then gently but firmly put it to your parents that you love them, but you have to put your children first, even if that upsets them. As your Mum observed, you are in control, not them. You're not saying they can never see the GC but you have concerns so until you say so, this is how it's going to be. Emotional blackmail won't help anyone.

She does sound quite controlling OP, of course you are 'in control' of your children well as much as we can ever be in control of small children so don't let her wear you down. You did the right thing saying that you can't keep discussing this.

There is no way her friends are laughing at you, she won't have even told them yet! That is a very strange thing to lie say - what type of cancer did she have OP, was it lung cancer? I'd have to agree with a PP who suggested speaking to her cancer team if this level of strop is different to normal.

Hope you are doing OK, OP

Thanks again.

I feel like shit for upsetting her so much but these replies are making me feel a little stronger,

And a g&t is helping too!

Your mum does not need to have your children alone. That sets my spidey senses tingling. What is she doing with them that she can't do in front of you?

From what I understand, chemo brain is a real thing. Some people can even suffer permanent damage to various body parts as a result of chemo. If you're not sure your children would be safe with her, you need to find another baby-sitter.

She also doesn't really have any "right" to be offended. She's not "entitled" to alone time with her grandchildren. That's a privilege, not a right. If she wants to be mad, I say fine. Let her be mad. Just tell her that you'll see her again once she apologizes to you. Don't reward her poor behaviour. She apologizes or she doesn't get to see the kids - alone or otherwise.

Of course you're in control when you're there. You are the parent.

And you're also in control when you're not, otherwise you wouldn't be leaving them with people who wouldn't follow your general rules and guidelines when it comes to your children.

Your mum has lost the plot on this. Stand firm, ride it out and hope she comes to her senses. She is putting herself before your children, and that's just not ok.

Your mum has crossed a line from understandably upset to selfish and manipulative.

Your dc come first, if she is a decent grandmother she will understand it. If not, then she doesnt have their best interests at heart anyway.

There is a difference between being in control and controlling.
Your mum's behaviour is controlling and she's trying to manipulate the outcome. Her only thoughts are about herself not your children.

You have to be responsible for your children's well being as your mother isn't. You can't be responsible for her happiness and the reason you are feeling guilty is because you know you really can't make a different decision.

It's her choice to make the best of it. I never left my children with my mum in case something happened, not even to babysit. They had wonderful memories of her and us as a family and as a proper spoily granny. Your mum has a choice to create that family of not.

If something happened you'd never forgive yourself or her and your relationship would be irreparable.

My mum was prone to strokes..

She says she needs to have them alone as when they're with me I'm "in control". That annoyed me and I told her that I was bothered that she was talking about this in terms of "control". They are children - mine and DH's, not hers.

Indeed. She's just lost most of the sympathy I had for her tbh.

What happened with kettlegate OP?

To those saying that she sounds controlling, you're right. She has controlling tendencies - always has. That's a separate issue though. I don't want to confuse the two.

I haven't adequately dealt with the controlling/interfering in the past (my fault) so I can't really do that now. I think it's adding insult to injury iykwim.

I need to deal with this particular problem and try to get us back on an even keel, ie, no atmosphere and rows about it going forward.

I can't take time and space away from her - we have a long arranged family dinner this week. I am NOT looking forward to that!

I would see her with the children perhaps rather than leaving her alone with them

She says she needs to have them alone as when they're with me I'm "in control".-

sorry missed that. bit strange. hmm.

well she will see them at the dinner. stand your ground, very odd.

I'm not sure that the two issues are able to be separated. If you say no she won't like it because it is you taking your own control back.

I think she probably lacks boundaries and you will have to keep enforcing them.

I don't think you CAN get back to "an even keel" without giving in to her.
You can't do that, and her threats and bollocks of trying to shame you into giving her own way just show that she is desperate to regain the upper hand.
You will find that she gets worse and worse in terms of blackmail, standoffishness, moodiness etc. and may well resort to a "health crisis" (possibly return of cancer or even heart failure) to "bring you to heel".

Make no mistake, she's not going to back down. She's going to keep going until you either can't stand it any more or you give in.

Please stand your ground, regardless.

I'd probably tell her that the fact that she doesn't remember these incidents, or the fact that she doesn't realise how bad they were, is further example to you of how the "chemo brain" is still affecting her. Might that make her realise her protests are not going to work on you?

You've done the right thing. Your DCs need to come first.

ChocolatePanda That's exactly it. It's like her perception of danger or her ability to think about more than one thing at a time has been impaired.

She has always been a bit scatty; forgetting things, not really listening, but we've accepted that (with some concern). Now it just seems so much worse

I'm really sorry, but I don't think you have the option of separating out the two issues. Because whatever effects the cancer has had on her, she will be using her controlling tendencies to still get her way, regardless of how ill she is. Her illness has just given you the impetus to stand firm, when you have never been able to stand firm against her controlling tendencies.

You need to acknowledge her controlling tendencies, and know that she will do and say some very unreasonable things in order to get her way. And because you have never stood up to her in the past, it will shock her to the core that you are doing it now.

She really IS upset. But her being upset does NOT mean that what you are doing is wrong. All it means is that she doesn't know how to cope with being told 'No', and for her tantrums not to have the 'no' turned into a 'yes'. She honestly doesn't know how to deal with it. It's an unknown. And that is why you can't separate the two issues.

OverTheHedge Thanks, I understand and appreciate you taking the time

Someone with no insight much more risky than someone who acknowledges their limitations. Just hold firm and tell her if she doesn't stop it you won't arrange any contact. Yes, you are the parent, so it's your way or the highway

you will find that she gets worse and worse in terms of blackmail, standoffishness, moodiness etc. and may well resort to a "health crisis" (possibly return of cancer or even heart failure) to "bring you to heel".
I think that's harsh. I've been on the receiving end of a controlling relative who did lie about such things but OP's mum has had cancer. I doubt many people would tempt fate by wishing it back.

I doubt that her cancer would 'return', however, she is prone to emotional blackmail when she hasn't seen much of us. Telling me how down she is and, although she doesn't say it out loud, it's for me to fix by seeing her more or giving in to whatever the demand is.

In terms of her physical health, she has always been really healthy and she's very proud of that. She wouldn't tempt fate by claiming illnesses that aren't real, I'm sure of it.

Can you not reach a compromise. If your dads around too aren’t they both going to be caring for your children? Surely she could look after them at her house or at yours? I think it’s harsh to just take the caring away from her. It’s probably one of the things that kept her going through chemo. I think you need to reconsider a compromise, she will be absolutely devastated.

I write this as someone who’s mum died of cancer and wished I had any bugger to help me out so I might be biased but really do think your being a bit black and white.

Please ignore Pinky OP, you’ve no space in your life for twattery that might put your children at risk.

I think being calm and consistent in the face of your mother’s tantrums is the best way to go, regardless of the guilt she’s piling on.

Good luck.