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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How bad is this?

211 replies

Looneytune253 · 15/06/2018 10:25

My daughter (13) just told me that one of the boys in her class told her she shouldn’t take her jumper off in the hot classroom because he could see her bra and it was distracting? Why do boys think this kind of comment is ok and that girls should cover up so they can control themselves or is this boy just a pervert? Is this common. AIBU to make a big complaint to the school or is it relatively minor?

OP posts:
bonnyshide · 15/06/2018 11:36

Teach her some witty comebacks to stand up for herself.

Don't complain to the school, they will think you are bonkers.

Teenagers give and take all sorts of inappropriate banter at that age, she needs to be able to stand up for herself.

Floeer · 15/06/2018 11:37

OMFG cannot believe some of the responses on here!

Please encourage any of your DDs (or DSs!) to make reports of sexual harassment or inappropriate behaviour that they receive themselves or witness. It is not "normal" or "banter" these boys need to learn straight away that it isn't okay to be sexist! And in no way should a girl be made to feel unable to feel relaxed in a place of learning!

Fenwickdream · 15/06/2018 11:37

But thanks for the insight for where all this current trend and obsession of feminism about trans and the like is coming from.

I get it now. I wondered who you all were and what on earth drove you but now I see.

A feminist- a woman that feels shit about being a woman. This can be diminished by talking (loudly) and campaigning about how you are equal to men. However can also be easily heightened by vague comments by strangers / friends ( especially bras, these are a no go topic and are highly linked to sexism)

Yep, I'm not one of them.

JacquesHammer · 15/06/2018 11:37

I think this is a type of banter and not unusual for kids that age. I wouldn’t complain

The only reason children will ever see it as acceptable is because people dismiss this sort of sexist shit as "banter"

On the flip side...do you want your daughter to think it's okay to have your bra showing in school anyway?

What do you suggest when the school uniform is clearly see through enough for a bra to show through

It may have made them feel uncomfortable

How?

Bettyfood · 15/06/2018 11:37

I can't believe how many posters are so sexually obsessed these days, and see perverts, rapists and abusers absolutely everywhere

Unfortunately they are everywhere. A small but significant minority of men.

I live in a tiny village which I've always thought to be really safe, hardly any crime apart from the odd burglary. Recently in the early evening a woman was sexually assaulted in popular dog walking/running spot, where I previously felt no qualms about running or walking my dog alone. I'll not change my behaviour, but it is annoying to even have to think about it tbh.

PeppermintPasty · 15/06/2018 11:38

What are you on about Fenwick?!

Floeer · 15/06/2018 11:39

So much of this sort of behaviour went on in my school and I wish I told my mum (or even a teacher myself) now so it could have been nipped in the bud or at least the school could have thought to hold sexism discussions.

We cant allow school children to think this behaviour is okay now because they'll grow up thinking it is still okay. They need to learn to considering what they are saying as soon as they are saying it!

LilMadAgain · 15/06/2018 11:39

I'm not going to jump to 'pervert' but I will ask all the posters who think the boys behaviour is acceptable... Since when do the male of the species have the right to dictate what the female of the species can or cannot do? Confused

Bettyfood · 15/06/2018 11:40

I feel very happy to be a woman. The point about feminism is that I will not be made to feel ashamed, or be judged as weaker, or in any way unequal on account of my sex.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 15/06/2018 11:40

I really hope DD gets into the girls' school. 😭

Bettyfood · 15/06/2018 11:41

I had a discussion with an old boy once who asked me whether if I had my life again I would choose to be a woman. I said that yes, I almost certainly would. He could not fathom my response for the life of him.

Jux · 15/06/2018 11:42

No it's not acceptable. In the next few years it will lead to boys estimating cup sizes and commenting on the size of girls' breasts. This is what happened at dd's school, godrotthebloodyHead. Nothing was done, parents of girls were fobbed off. This, only a couple of years ago. Worse was to come too. You wouldn't believe it.

Pickleypickles · 15/06/2018 11:42

The issue is men and boys think its a woman's responsibility to make herself "modest" so we aren't distracting or "asking for it". A lot more needs to be done to educate young boys that keeping their eyes to themselves and not being distracted is solely their job and nothing to do woth women.

Pickleypickles · 15/06/2018 11:42

The issue is men and boys think its a woman's responsibility to make herself "modest" so we aren't distracting or "asking for it". A lot more needs to be done to educate young boys that keeping their eyes to themselves and not being distracted is solely their job and nothing to do woth women.

Floeer · 15/06/2018 11:42

LilMadAgain exactly! forget the whole getting distracted by a bra! The boy is telling her DD that she cant be comfortable in the class room as his expense.

Essentially the boy is saying his learning comes over her learning!

OfaFrenchmind2 · 15/06/2018 11:43

He may be not a pervert, but he may be worst and be a nice budding fundamentalist telling a "sister" to cover herself "out of respect".
Fuck that. If your daughter is feeling warm, she should take off layers. And tell him to mind his own business and invest in blinkers.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 15/06/2018 11:44

Because it is part of this sick inequality and misogyny to "flirt" or show interest by being essentially quite aggressive and beating a girl down

what an utter lot of twaddle

You have never seen teenage girls ruthlessly abusing poor guys for their appearance, and the "loosers" being close to tears because of wrong body hair, lack of muscles, glasses, or voice changing.

Girls can be horribly bitchy and nasty, so can boys, one gender is not better or worst than the other. Educate yourself and see how many beatings and bullying are made by girls

Enough with victimising our daughters, they are not fragile little thing who must spend their life in fear of the "Menz". it drives me nuts when people like posters on here are trying to lower my girls, it's getting ridiculous. Work on your own issues, but stop pretending any guy is a pervert. He needs to learn manners and being appropriate, it's hardly a big deal.

Earthwindnfiya · 15/06/2018 11:44

I bet there are some gay girls in the school, bet she doesn't have to deal with humiliating remarks from them, does she? It's not about distraction and making other people feel uncomfortable at all. It's about boys asserting dominance. Because society encourages and allows them to angry

THIS ^^

As for all the victim blamers saying "its inappropriate for young girls to have their bras on show at school" why don't you complain to the clothing manufacturers and ask them to make womens shirts out of a thicker material? Why instead do you jump straight to shaming and sexualising young girls for something that is way out of their control?

FuckLush · 15/06/2018 11:44

Quite apart from calling it that ridiculous name and not sexual harassment which is what it is

That's because there's no crime of "sexual harassment" They're trying to name a problem and pass legislation to make it a criminal offence and you're still moaning? Hmm I imagine they won't call it that in law, it's a media shorthand.

ChristineAndMaryBeth · 15/06/2018 11:45

I agree with what Floeer said

BellaJessica · 15/06/2018 11:45

Teenagers are learning to push boundries and becoming sexual. This is a very minor comment in secondary schools. I wouldnt complain i would teach your daughter to grow thicker skin and think of scathing come backs. I dont agree with people saying this is rape culture. Stop making women and girls seem weak that they cant defend themselves with words.

DiegoMadonna · 15/06/2018 11:45

It being normal doesn't mean it's acceptable.

I would have a stern word with my DS if I found out he was speaking to girls like that.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 15/06/2018 11:47

he may be worst and be a nice budding fundamentalist telling a "sister" to cover herself "out of respect".

he may also be a serial killer who is doing experimentations and mutilations on runaway children in his basement at night. He may be a Russian Spy working on destroying us all! you should alert the authorities immediately, we are all in danger here!

lifechangesforever · 15/06/2018 11:47

I don't think it's worthy of complaining and I also don't believe for a second it's the beginning of being a pervert, that's a ridiculous thing to say but I agree, it's not OK either.

I would be having a talk with your daughter about how she dresses has no impact whatsoever on the comments she receives or actions taken against her by the opposite sex, it's not her fault. She needs to feel confident enough in this stance in order stand up and say something back when inappropriate comments are made.

lifechangesforever · 15/06/2018 11:49

Much, much worse things were said to me at school and yes, we indulged and used it as flirting/banter but I'd hate the thought of DD doing the same. The world has moved on, thankfully.

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