friend's view on a 'proper family'

[LLM88]

A friend said today that a home with a few siblings, and basically a sahm is what makes a proper family and it has hit a nerve. I can't afford to be a sahm, not sure I really want to anyway, and I don't actually want another child (have one toddler age dc). I feel guilty, am I depriving my dc of a normal home life by working and not giving him siblings? I feel conflicted all the time about my choices as it is (not enough time for him, guilt at nursery drop offs etc) and this hasn't helped, especially as her view of a proper family is exactly what I had growing up! Should I put my dcs needs first and have another child so he can experience a more traditional home life?

Am I being ridiculous?!

[bibliomania]

Single parent with only child here. DD has said she'd prefer both parents plus siblings (and a bigger house), but it's easy to fantasise about the perfect family - might not be so great in reality. We've been watching Gilmore Girls together, and it's been nice to see a mother and child portrayed as being a "real" family - I think it's reminded us that there are a lot of upsides to this arrangement too.

[PoshPenny]

Proper family and traditional family are not the same thing. Everyone is different, not all are happy. Your friend doesn't know what she's talking about!

[Hillarious]

If this is a ZOMBIE thread, has the OP ditched the friend, or even had another child? I think the original comments from the friend touched a nerve and possibly highlighted any misgivings she had about the decision not to have more children.

I think we should acknowledge that there's no right or wrong or proper family. My view is that 3DC and a period as a SAHM works well, because that's worked well for me.

I've been lucky to have lived in a place where part-time work was easy to find once the youngest was in school and that has now morphed into full-time work. I met some great people at toddler groups - these included a journalist for a national newspaper, a writer, solicitors, teachers, lecturers, childminders, bakers, vicars, artists, a mental health nurse.

I was also "lucky" to get pregnant with DC2 and DC3 unexpectedly, so any conversations about whether or not it was a right time to have another or not never happened.

It's been hard at times, but we've coped. The vast majority of people just cope with what's thrown at them.

[Whereisthegin1978]

There is no proper / normal family. What works for you and what you want is your normal.

[Allalittlebitshit2019]

What a stupid comment!! I think a proper family is a family that works for all members of the family.
Im a single parent to 2 young children and work part time. My family is deformity a proper family.
Why stretch yourself further if you dont feel its right? lots of people have lots of children and then struggle financially, emotionally etc etc. If you know its not right for you you then its not right for your child, as all they want is a happy mummy.

[sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch]

Your friend is a twat! Ignore! Don't let this annoy you one bit.

[mcmooberry]

There are 5 or 6 single children in my daughter's class at school and you can't help but notice how nice it is for them that their parent's can give them all their attention. Definitely upsides! Don't underestimate the horror of children constantly fighting either.

[CrazyDeamonDog]

What's does sahm mean?

[peakydante]

bibliomania I often fantasize about leaving my DP and living like the Gilmore girls

[zukiecat]

Don't have another baby because of what your friend says!

Your DS and DH are your family, and if that's what your family to be, then that's perfect!

I know someone, wouldn't call her a friend nowadays, we used to be, but her views are crazy!

She believes that boys are not "proper children", that anyone who has a boy is not a "real parent" and that anyone who has a boy must be desperately disappointed, if someone has a girl after having a boy first, she thinks that the parents must be over the moon "to have a girl after the disappointment of a boy" Also if it's the other way round, she thinks the parents must be devastated and regret having the other child.

Once she said to me after reading a story about IVF, and the parents had had a boy, "Imagine going through all that, only to have a boy"

She was very open with these views, I have no idea why she feels like this, it's beyond strange and offensive. She has one 12 year old DD, and said she wouldn't have "risked having another one in case it's a boy" 

I can't get my head round these views at all

[ChilliHobnobs]

She's somebody from the dark ages, ignore ignore ignore

[Runningishard]

I have one child and whilst married I had this comment a few times, once from a man with 3 kids whose wife was a SAHM and once from a SAHM footballer’s wife also with 3 kids. I’ve always worked full time in a “career”. Now I’m a single working mum to a perfectly happy well adjusted 16yo and we have a cracking family life. Wish I’d told those 2 people to fuck off