Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

friend's view on a 'proper family'

212 replies

LLM88 · 12/06/2018 13:04

A friend said today that a home with a few siblings, and basically a sahm is what makes a proper family and it has hit a nerve. I can't afford to be a sahm, not sure I really want to anyway, and I don't actually want another child (have one toddler age dc). I feel guilty, am I depriving my dc of a normal home life by working and not giving him siblings? I feel conflicted all the time about my choices as it is (not enough time for him, guilt at nursery drop offs etc) and this hasn't helped, especially as her view of a proper family is exactly what I had growing up! Should I put my dcs needs first and have another child so he can experience a more traditional home life?

Am I being ridiculous?!

OP posts:
LapsedHumanist · 13/06/2018 21:12

She’d be better off having a good think about what a proper friend is, because at the moment she doesn’t have a clue!

gillybeanz · 13/06/2018 21:13

That's my idea of a proper family for my family.
It doesn't mean to say that it should be so for others.
No way would we have used childcare, nurseries or wraparound care for our children, for us this was putting them first, for others it wouldn't be for them.
You need to be confident in your choices, and if you can't be, maybe reassess.

Cindie943811A · 13/06/2018 21:19

I was in the same position as Notcontent and for years regretted not having another child but by the time my DC was 10 they realised life was better without as BF had 5 siblings and little parental attention etc.
IME only children make close friends as substitute siblings and you can foster this by taking the friend with you on outings etc, having them stay over, esp in the school holidays. Shared times with similar single parent families provide company for both child and parent. Looking back I don’t regret my situation as a working single mother of one child. Just think of the advantages — no need to rush home from a day out to get a meal for husband or partner, no constant squabbling between your children , no arguments with the other parent re your parenting decisions. you can have an ideal 21st century family.

JessiCake · 13/06/2018 21:25

I grew up in a 'proper family' by your friend's definition OP.

3 kids, dad, SAHM.

It was shit.

My mum was behind closed doors a histrionic mini-tyrant who played divide and rule. My sister hated me for the first 30 years of her life, and belittled me every chance she got. My dad had affairs.

Don't believe a word of this perfect family nonsense. Family is a safe place with people who love you unconditionally.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 13/06/2018 21:27

I've been thinking about this more. DD says that true family is me and her, and when we go on holiday it's my sister and eldest niece.

Family is so what you make it. We didn't have any male role models but DD is utterly fantastic and I don't think has major issues.

I take that back. She has labelled everything on the house. All drawers on the kitchen and my bedroom. I dread her finding a T shirt in my vest drawer!

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 13/06/2018 21:29

A proper family is a family where the child feels loved, is secure and wellllooked after.

If that's with a single Mum, two gay men or a single Dad - it doesn't matter. Likewise an only child or a child with 4 siblings. The dedication that parent puts in us what matters most.

CasanovaFrankenstein · 13/06/2018 21:40

Your friend is a proper twat.

FrankFrankSam · 13/06/2018 21:48

Some people think and say the strangest of things. I was once told by a childless friend that DH and 2xDCs and myself were not a family, a family is 3xDCs or more. Oh and a dog Hmm

stayathomer · 13/06/2018 21:56

Am a sahm because I can't afford to work childcare wise. I am at home with one of my dc all day and yet quality time is probably comparable to you as an running around and in and out of car all day. You sound like a great mum and more than enough of a family that your dc will ever ever need!!Here have some FlowersCake

marymoosmum · 13/06/2018 22:59

The right thing is what is right for you. That said I grew up as an only child and it was very lonely. If you don't want another leave the decision until your DC is older, he may not want a sibling.

saltedliquorice · 14/06/2018 00:41

I think your friend maybe meant traditional family rather than a proper family. Families come in all shapes and sizes. Is she a SAHM herself as if so maybe she was trying to justify her own circs or maybe she is jealous of you?
I am a pt mum and I felt a lot of SAHM very self righteous with chips on their shoulders. Similarly a lot of FT mums were a bit arsey and could be condescending to me and SAHM. I didn’t feel I fitted into either group and felt guilt tripped for different reasons by both groups.

saltedliquorice · 14/06/2018 00:43

Do what is right for you staying at home FT wasn’t right for me but PT i could cope with as a balance.

squeekums · 14/06/2018 01:23

Your friends a moron. You are a family.
We have an only by my choice. I hated pregnancy and i only knew i was pregnant for 13 weeks before i had dd, barely survived newborn and toddler, refuse to go back to that.
Ive been called selfish, im denying dd, denying dp, all the crap from friends, family, strangers.
My response these days is my child deserves a mother who can cope and is happy, she needs a functional mother, she dont need a sibling. My mental health and phobias relating to drs, needles and hospitals, ability to house, feed and clothe more than 1 kid, are my deciding factors.
Dd is happy, has many friends, cousins she adores, she gets everything she needs and wants.

I have a brother, we havent spoken in 15 plus years
Since i was very young my friends were my family, even took me in to their homes as my father was a abusive alcoholic and my mother was dead. Family isnt just mum, dad, 2 kids, dog and white picket fence. Family is those who love you unconditionally, that isnt always blood related

PurplePenguins · 14/06/2018 06:44

There's a poster up in my DC school that says families come in all shapes and sizes. Mum and Dad, Mum, Dad, mum and boyfriend, aunt and uncle etc etc. Family=love.

Goldilocks3Bears · 14/06/2018 09:27

I often find that when "friends" make these passive aggressive comments that seem thoughtless, it is a reflection of something that is not quite right in their own lives. So they highlight something to convince themselves that the life they're living is the better option.

Could be that multiple children is a bit much for her or that she is pining to go back to work herself deep down.

Just ignore it and you do you. Don't ever feel you have to live up to other people's standards and from all your comments, you seriously sound like you really don't want another baby so it would be the worst idea ever I think. Chill, you're doing great.

Goldilocks3Bears · 14/06/2018 09:29

@casanovafrankenstein I just snarfed my tea reading that... had another word in mind but you hit the nail on the head.

Cloud9Until6am · 14/06/2018 09:41

I had what your friend terms a proper family and it really wasn't that great. My dm always seemed very resentful that she had to stay at home with the kids and didn't have a career. She also told me recently that they'd had to take many mortgage holidays and struggled to make ends meet.

I was conscious as a child that we were always skint and didn't have the same luxuries as some of my friends whose parents both worked and had less or no siblings - no holidays, days out were rare, always hand me down clothes (from my brother which I got ripped into for at school) house was always a state because repairs were unaffordable etc.

Having a proper family isn't about how many How many kids you have and whether you stay at home, it's about being happy and making the most of your situation - whatever it is - witthin your means.

Your friends perspective is disgustingly old fashioned

Cloud9Until6am · 14/06/2018 09:45

Btw I'm a SAHP to 2 children atm and I'm counting down the days until their free nursery hours start so I can go back to work Grin

CasanovaFrankenstein · 14/06/2018 10:29

@Goldilocks3Bears oh no, sorry to waste tea!!

Ketzele · 14/06/2018 13:02

People always think a 'proper family' is what theirs is. When I had my second, my gran told me that "You're not a proper mother till you've had two", which (a) is utter crap, and (b) no doubt reflects her defensiveness about having had children into the double figures, and not having the time, money or space to cope with that. I'm sure behind my back she is also saying that you're not a proper mum till you've had 3, or 5, or 11 like her.

I also think that siblings are a gamble. Yes, they can be lovely. They can also be hell. I'm very fond of my brothers now, but as a child I actually think I would have been better without them. You are giving your child a relationship that they have no choice over: it may be great, it may be not so great. There is no automatic mechanism that makes sibling relationships any better or worse than any other type of relationship.

So don't feel guilty and don't have another child because of anybody else's opinion. You are fine just as you are!

Goldilocks3Bears · 14/06/2018 13:50

@Cloud9Until6am - hang in there :-) I worked in a heavily male sector when I took off time to have the kids and I cannot tell you how much I missed the men, the banter, looking/smelling nice, not having make lunch for everyone else and having adult conversation. No offense to my SAHM friends out there because most of you are a much better parent than me but if you have worked in a vibrant office environment and then find yourself at home with toddlers and coffee mornings, you sort of want to stab your eyes out with one of those Costa wooden stirrers after a little while....

RiddleyW · 14/06/2018 13:54

I think it is tough trying to work out whether to have a second child. We are probably not, DS is 3.5 now anyway so I've left it too late to have a nice small gap.

My mum (who is otherwise completely lovely) definitely thinks I'm being cruel and I do feel some guilt. I just can't quite face doing it again, I had dreadful PND and honestly I'm just too frightened.

fortunatepiggy1 · 14/06/2018 16:26

I have one out of choice who is 6. I do not feel like any less of a mother neither do I feel left out or odd but I do feel a bit guilty and selfish which has made me question my choice but it's too late now as I am too old..,

I made my decision on the info I had at the time ... That we would have massively struggled if we had more as were not coping very well with one... now it's easier so I could in theory contemplate doing it again because dc is older but now I am too!

Families come in all shapes and sizes. My dc is v happy and sociable.. if I can shake the guilt I'm sure I will be too...

LemonysSnicket · 14/06/2018 19:49

How ridiculous. She doesn't get to be the authority on what family means.

I never plan on being a SAHM, but rest assured my children won't be lodgers ... because clearly they're my family.

LemonysSnicket · 14/06/2018 19:52

Also DP is an only and very much has enjoyed being the centre of attention for 24 years and knowing that he will get everything when they pass (sounds uncouth but it's a reality).

Swipe left for the next trending thread