friend's view on a 'proper family'

[LLM88]

A friend said today that a home with a few siblings, and basically a sahm is what makes a proper family and it has hit a nerve. I can't afford to be a sahm, not sure I really want to anyway, and I don't actually want another child (have one toddler age dc). I feel guilty, am I depriving my dc of a normal home life by working and not giving him siblings? I feel conflicted all the time about my choices as it is (not enough time for him, guilt at nursery drop offs etc) and this hasn't helped, especially as her view of a proper family is exactly what I had growing up! Should I put my dcs needs first and have another child so he can experience a more traditional home life?

Am I being ridiculous?!

Sahm not sham!

Your family will be beautiful and not outdated in future!

Sometimes people say things like your friend has to reinforce their own feelings of lacking. She stays at home, that's fine and her choice, what if you said to her "Well, I feel a proper mother shows her children through example that woman are equal and therefore have careers and work, so my child/children will feel comfortable making that choice for herself/be a good man himself". You wouldn't I'm sure, but it's the same right argument in reverse! All the reasons you would not say that to her are the reasons she shouldn't say that to you!

I grew up in her description of a "proper" family, my mother was wonderful but once my brother and I went to high school, she got a job and was so happy! She had new friends, new purpose, new identity, new confidence and new independence and power due to her finances, it was wonderful to see her blossom.

My brother and I were very close and I love him, but even we managed to have a drama and have missed a few years of each others lives, maybe we will miss many more.

Many of my friends are choosing to have one child now, for many positive reasons!

So your family will look like many, many other families in future!

Do what works for you; I can understand why it got to you, as I'm sensitive to people being unnecessarily knobbish as well even when I'm OK with the actual thing they're picking on otherwise.
Me and my brother had an on-off love/hate relationship when we were growing up (he's older), we get on quite well now but we probably both wished we were only children back then!
From reading your posts it doesn't sound like you really want another child, not right now at least, and I would say having one to appease someone else isn't an idea I'd even entertain.

I often feel like a sham mother @Fickleflock

She is stuck firmly in the 1950s. Women have had the choice to choose a career for many years now and that’s great. Blended families are the norm, same sex parents are, single parents definitely are. Welcome to the 21st century.

Your friend sounds bonkers. A proper family is one that's loving and nurturing and supports children to grow and find out who they are and learn to be loving and kind to others. The form it comes in doesn't matter. I certainly don't know many 'proper families' by that definition. Sometimes you just have people in your life who are nuts and projecting their own insecurities on you (your friend sounds really insecure, actually). I have a similarly bonkers friend who believes that social services should intervene and remove babies from mothers who don't breastfeed (and seemingly place them with foster families where they won't be breastfed ). She's bonkers and her opinions come very much from her own insecurities and anxieties about breastfeeding (which she did, but with much difficulty which contributed to MH problems causing her to leave work, etc., etc.). Not point to that other than to say don't let other people's weird hang ups get you down. It's nothing to do with you. You do you and let her do her.

I had abusive Parents, who set me and my Half Sister against each other. We have only become friends since my Mother died and we had honest conversations. It only took 50 years.

I know very few families, children now around my age. That there wasn't some level of scapegoating/favoritism/Jealousy. The resentments between Siblings are often ridiculous, but they are valid to the person.

I know families of between five and nine children (quite usual in the Catholic area I grew up in) and none of them speak to each other.

When it was me and my sister, I used to dream of Siblings. I used to look at the families around me not knowing what it was really like on the inside.

A Real Family, as said, is one of unconditional love. Where you support and boost each other.

My DD is friends with Women (20-28) who have come with wider family members from African Countries. I'd love her to tell them they've never had a real family, especially the Nigerian Woman (who is as blunt as fuck on a good day).

Like all Parents, SAHM are individuals, who may or may not be good Parents. They may or may not cook/clean etc, as well.

Your Friend is very lacking in the thinking and knowledge department.

Proper? I had one of those. It was awful My dad was really controlling and my mum was a domestic slave .

Normal is another work that is banded about.

You know what a proper family is. Someone who turns up for you. Relation or not. Few families seldom grow up under the same roof. Your little friend has some brainwashed false idea in her head.

Go to work and be a fantastic role model. Talk about money, good and bad. Communicate, laugh, cry, be messy, make your own systems.

As do I BustopherJones!!

1950s housewives were famously depressed....... Proper.

She's an idiot. Is she one of those "it's my way or you're wrong" type of people? Surely in 2018 she can see that almost every family you come across is different? Don't you dare feel guilty for living your life in the way that best suits you. Honestly, why do people have to do this to other people? Maybe she's not as secure as she makes out and feels the need to justify her own choices. Who knows - ignore her. You sound like you are doing just fine.

Okaaaay. So people with no children or only children or working parents aren’t proper families. I don’t think so.

She is entitled to her own opinion. It doesn't make it true. There are pros and cons either way.
Don't let it bother you if it didn't before she said it.

She's bonkers but your post is full of contradiction.

if you feel guilty etc, and you're paying out for childcare, surely you wouldn't be any worse off not paying for childcare and staying at home?

You go with your gut instinct. Her opinion shouldn't be able to make you feel bad if you know you're doing the right thing for both your child and you.

People say shit like this because:

• it's easiest to trot out received opinion; or
• they are talking about what they want for themselves; or
• it's what they are doing (and all mothers/women get judged by all and sundry on all aspects of their lives/choices, let's not forget) and they need to shore their own decisions up

She was talking to herself, imo, not to you.
Tactless, but not to be taken seriously.

But your friend isn't running down your choices OP, she's validating her own - you said that's the setup she has. I think you've taken this way too personally because (as you said) it's the setup you had yourself as a child.

I dont think having a sibling for a kid is a good idea. One golden kid is great, you don't know who the second is... I'd say have a bit more money, let him have friends, interests and hobbies is as good as having a sibling. I don't talk to mine.

What Fickleflock said. This woman clearly feels something is lacking in her own life, so she puts down yours to make herself feel better. I’d dump her.

Don't worry about what she thinks, you have to do what's right for you and your family

Your friend needs to step into the 21st century and out of the 1800s

Don't worry your family is a proper family

People who use phrases like “proper family”, “did it all the ‘right’ way” (meaning heterosexual marriage, mortgaged semi and THEN 2.4 D.C.) or “traditional family values” in this judgmental way are irredeemable arseholes and you have to ignore

There's always a naysayer. She's wrong. I am a SAHM. With 3 children. I have been told mine is not a proper family on 2 occasions for 2 different reasons (my son is with my 2nd husband) and because I am virtually NC with my disaster of parents.
This friend is wrong.i grew up with a sibling and avstay at home mum. I was also removed by ss for neglect for somevtime.mine was not a proper family to me.

It's sounds like a rather romanticised notion, tbh!

A proper family is one where the child has secure attachment. It's not a numbers game.

Your friends a twat.

My 21 year old, only child , daughter is currently sitting in the upstairs living room, after finishing uni. I worked throughout her childhood . If your mate would like to inform her we aren't a proper family or she would have been better off with siblings, I'd pay good money to watch that. In fact I'd even video it and let it go viral just for the fun of it.

Just let me know if she's up for it? I'll happily even stream it live for all the folks on here.🤣

Should I put my dcs needs first and have another child so he can experience a more traditional home life?
My eldest would say being an only child would be his dream in reality there are advantages and disadvantages both ways.