friend's view on a 'proper family'

[LLM88]

A friend said today that a home with a few siblings, and basically a sahm is what makes a proper family and it has hit a nerve. I can't afford to be a sahm, not sure I really want to anyway, and I don't actually want another child (have one toddler age dc). I feel guilty, am I depriving my dc of a normal home life by working and not giving him siblings? I feel conflicted all the time about my choices as it is (not enough time for him, guilt at nursery drop offs etc) and this hasn't helped, especially as her view of a proper family is exactly what I had growing up! Should I put my dcs needs first and have another child so he can experience a more traditional home life?

Am I being ridiculous?!

I very much doubt a real friend would wish to hurt your feelings like this. It might be her view, but that doesn't make it right or factually correct.

She doesn't sound very happy with her own life if she is feeling the need to criticise yours op. Maybe she is lonely or feels her life is unfulfilled.

As an aside, parents of one kid get to have more fun than parents of many! Mainly I suspect because the logistics are easier.

Agree with pps.

No such thing as a "proper" family. Even if someone met your friend's criteria things can change through death of one of the parents. Wouldn't stop it being a "proper" family though.

I grew up in what your friend would call a "proper" family which was actually a dysfunctional mess that affected me and my siblings in later life. So much for that!

You're "friend2 isn't called Aunt Lydia, is she?

The majority of parents work - it is really weird to suggest they are all not families!

The majority of parents work - it is really weird to suggest they are all not families!

There's also the possibility that all is not so rosy under the exterior for her, and that she's trying to validate her own choices.

Families come in all shapes and sizes, I'm a lone parent right now, but my DCs are great.

If you love and care for your child, provide a stable home and enjoy spending as much time as you can together... then that sounds like an absolutely ideal family life!!

Meh. Who cares what the silly cunt thinks? If it really bothers you, ask yourself whether she is really happy, or whether she's only achieving her 'proper' family by willingly giving up her career, financial independence and personhood to keep her breadwinner H sweet?

Thanks for all the messages, has made me feel a lot better! I'm not sure how i let it get to me to be honest, I know our little family is fine as it is and I am sure it will be fine if we do decide not to have any more dc. I just feel like the complete odd one out of everyone I know, in making this choice. Everyone else goes on to number 2, and I suppose has that 'normal' family so to speak, which is probably what she was getting at- normal in her experience, just in a very badly phrased way!

Your friend is absolutely right. You need to have another 1.4 children, acquire a dog and move to a house in Acacia Avenue. Immediately.

She can go jump. Sounds like she has very narrow minded (stuck in the 1950s) views. Families are all sorts these days, and all the better for it! As women can now make more choices over their family sizes and their career options.
I have one DS. He's a very cool, very loving and loved kid who has never expressed the need for a sibling! I've been a sahm, worked part time and now work from home, all suited us at different times.
Only have a child if you (and your partner obv) really really want one and will love them as much as you love your first. Nothing else matters.

Absolutely no such thing as a proper family. I grew up with a single mum, and am currently in quite a traditional setup. There’s pros and cons to both of them in my experience - same as every family setup.

Any number of setups can work brilliantly or terribly. You just have to find the best scenario for your own family. And let others find their own way.

She's a proper dickwit.

She's mental. I have a very traditional family set up that she would consider a 'proper' family. It is absolutely not true to say that that is the only sort of 'proper' set up.

Families have always come in a load of different situations (my MILs mum died in childbirth in the 1930s when MIL was 4. MIL was raised by a step mum with over 20 siblings in an impossible to pin down mix of steps, full and halves). My dad's dad was killed in the war and he became the breadwinner for his mum, brother and disabled sister from the age of 8. Were they not 'proper' families either?

The only 'proper' family is one where a child is well loved in their own unique being, so that they enter adult life as a confident, resilient being on their own terms, unfazed by the fact that others have different views, priorities, values and beliefs.

Such proper families can have any varying number of parents, they can be heterosexual or gay, they can be exclusively of one sex or mixed. It doesn't matter.

By her definition Fred and Rose West provided their children with a "proper family".

In reality, the number of siblings or even parents tells you nothing about the quality of the family - it's the love and security and happiness provided that counts.

There’s no such thing as a ‘proper’ family. It’s not of your friend’s business how many children you choose to have. Every parent has to make decisions as to whether use childcare or stay at home. It’s your choice what you do. She doesn’t sound like a very nice or tactful ‘friend’.

Nuclear families are a post-industrial construct anyway. Historically, they are an anomaly in human societies.

So tell your friend to stick that in her pipe and smoke it.

By her definition Fred and Rose West provided their children with a "proper family"

Tell her this. That ought to shut her up!

So... Her view is that of a middle class family of actually date specific time periods?

Yup, she's weird.

She's a numpty.

"Imo a proper family is being around folks who love you unconditionally."

@Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname - I couldn't have put it better myself.

@LLM88 - I'm afraid I think your 'friend' is being very narrow minded.

A proper family is one where the parents/parent love the child/children and treat them with care, respect and compassion and help them to learn right from wrong and to be supported when things are difficult for them.

Proper families have parents who are married, single, living together, divorced, widowed, they have parents who go to work, parents who don't go to work, parents who work away, parents who are in prison, hospital etc.

Proper families have children who are fostered, adopted, conceived via sperm donors, IVF or even a turkey baster!

*and anything else I've missed.

The only reason I can think of as to why a ‘friend’ would voice the opinion that what makes a proper family is basically the opposite of what your family situation is, i.e sham - you work, siblings - you have one child, would be due to her own insecurities. For some reason she found the need to defend herself and her own situation - I would guess she is not that happy about something.