friend's view on a 'proper family'

[LLM88]

A friend said today that a home with a few siblings, and basically a sahm is what makes a proper family and it has hit a nerve. I can't afford to be a sahm, not sure I really want to anyway, and I don't actually want another child (have one toddler age dc). I feel guilty, am I depriving my dc of a normal home life by working and not giving him siblings? I feel conflicted all the time about my choices as it is (not enough time for him, guilt at nursery drop offs etc) and this hasn't helped, especially as her view of a proper family is exactly what I had growing up! Should I put my dcs needs first and have another child so he can experience a more traditional home life?

Am I being ridiculous?!

[SausageEggAndChips]

She's talking out of her arse op, take no notice.

[cadburyegg]

YANBU even if your friend privately thinks that she should have kept it to herself, very insensitive. My mum couldn't have another child due to her age but one of her friends had another baby and said to her "we are a proper complete family now there are 4 of us".

Don't have another child unless you really want one. Both DH and I are only children and there are significant benefits to it. Obviously there are drawbacks but that goes for having siblings too.

I am on maternity leave atm but usually I am working. I don't think my children are going to be deprived of a "proper" family because i work, in fact we are able to afford to live much better (i.e. not on the breadline) because we have two incomes.

[AttilaTheMusical]

She's one of the Waltons isn't she?

[arbrighton]

Her view

Exactly that.

Not yours

I'm currently SAHM but f*ing miserable

No plans to have any more either, hated pregnancy and newborn phase

A proper family is one where members are healthy, happy and love each other

[Missingstreetlife]

Don't overthink it. Do what works for you. You can change your mind later if you want.

[Bluntness100]

Why would you think uour child would need siblings, he will have school, friends.

I was unfortunately witness to a major fight between two late teenage siblings at the weekend, historical hatred that will continue to their adult life.

Why risk having a kid you don't want, being miserable as a stay at home mum, being short of money and oh yeah, risk the fact rhe kids will probably fucking hate each other and at best probably tolerate each other. The whole "I just love my siblings" thing is less common than you think. Many folks would prefer to be an only child.

Oh yea and 80 percent of mothers now work. 80%. Does she really feel the U.K. is 80% not proper families?

[NataliaOsipova]

She's entitled to her own view....but she was a cow to say it to you, especially if she knows her set up isn't an option for you. And who cares what she thinks? What matters is what you think - don't give it a second thought!

[toomuchtooold]

Your friend's probably not very happy in her own life if she has to be criticising yours. And I say that as a SAHM with 2 kids.

[LionAllMessy]

I think you're putting way too much stock in the opinion of someone who's clearly a dick.

[Halebeke425]

For the love of God do not have another child unless you definitely 100% want one, the jump from 1 to 2 is massive! And you may change your mind and want another one in the future which is fine, there's no such thing as a perfect age gap, everyone is different and I think there's a lot to be said for bigger age gaps as well, especially if you find it a challenge with the first one.

I wish so many women didn't feel so pressured into doing this or that because it's the done or 'proper' thing, you do what's right for your situation and preferences, sod everyone else

[FatBarry]

She's crackers, I always think a proper family can be made up of any combination as long as they love and support each other and there's a cat in the mix somewhere!

Seriously the SAHM is comment is just rubbish. My adult children have never, not once, asked me why I didn't stay at home instead of work.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

A mum in the playground once said to me that we weren't "proper mums" because neither of us were married and I worked.

I just thought she was silly and maybe a bit thick.

How is your friend defining "proper friend" I wonder?

[quizqueen]

Isn't your friend entitled to her own opinion whether you agree with her or not? It will be a sad day in hell when people can't say or even think what they like and that day is getting closer. Just tell her you don't agree with her point of view and leave it at that.

[jay55]

Enjoy your improper family and find some proper friends.

[Gottokondo]

There are soooo many people who go NC with their siblings. You are basically putting to strangers together in the same house and hoping that they will become friends. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. If you want another child then by all means do, but don't have one just to become a sibling. Since you don't, that's fine too.

Oh, and your friend doesn't sound very nice.

[Ragwort]

I am constantly amazed on Mumsnet at the thoughtless comments that are made - do people really say things like that in RL? I cannot imagine making such a crass comment to anyone about their choice whether to be a SAHM/WOHM/how many children they have/if they send them to boarding school/summer camps/breast or bottle or any other possible decision that people might choose.

I might secretly judge someone who seems to have more children than they can cope with but I wouldn't dream of saying anything.

[MrsKoala]

I think we all have an idea of the kind of family we want and the kind we really don't want. Lots of posters on here think being a sahm is bad and sets a terrible example - they think their choice of working is best. Then others feel the opposite.

Personally i had a crappy childhood and decided the type of family that i wanted - which was the opposite to mine. I wouldn't have had dc if it was different. But all families are 'proper', even the dysfunctional ones, family just means the people you are related to.

[LLM88]

Thanks for all the replies, some have really made me laugh which i really needed today! Some pps are right, I took it too personally because I have my own insecurities and guilt at not actually wanting another child! In my wider family there are only multiple child families and most my friends are the same, asking when is number 2 planned etc. I will try to not give a f* and just follow what feels right for us, which at the moment is no second baby and me keeping my career going :)

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

[KingLooieCatz]

How insensitive!

Dh and I both work full time and we have one DC. he (DS) has ADHD but seeing as there is just the one we can arrange ourselves to very much suit his needs and that seems to have really helped him. DH works a lot of weekends, but then he gets a lot of weekdays off and does the school run. I'm on my own with DS a lot of weekends but if he's a bit hyper we can just plan for that - swimming first thing, running around the park etc. Not saying people with multiple kids don't go all out to meet their kids needs! But is easier when there is only one set of after school and weekend activities to think about.

[Bluntness100]

It will be a sad day in hell when people can't say or even think what they like

Eh? Well yeah, we have freedom of speech. We can say whatever we like. But clearly if it's rude, judgemental and a load of bollocks. you need to understand people won't like it or think well of you for it. But you sure can still rock on and say it. 🤣

[Coyoacan]

a home with a few siblings, and basically a sahm is what makes a proper family and it has hit a nerve

My elder sister grew up in that home and still has the scars to show for it. I was the youngest, my father left and my mother went out to work and I have much fonder memories of my childhood.

We would all like to recreate what was good from our own childhoods, I would have liked my dd to have had an older brother.

[Lweji]

What did you say back to her?

I'd probably tell that that it's a very sexist view (the sahm).

[Lweji]

It will be a sad day in hell when people can't say or even think what they like

And the opinion of most of us is that the friend is a nob and wrong too. Surely the OP is entitled to say it to her friend too.

[QuackingHell]

Only child with a mum who worked full time from me being 6 months. It was fab. I love her to bits and she’s my best friend now I’m an adult. Did I wish I had siblings, yes sometimes. But more the idea of it than the reality. Never thought anything of Mum working though. I thought it was normal! And I loved nursery. I’m a SAHM now to 2 dc, but that’s my choice and it’s what I wanted for me, rather than me thinking everyone else is wrong. Your friend is a dick and should be more considerate of other people