friend's view on a 'proper family'

[LLM88]

A friend said today that a home with a few siblings, and basically a sahm is what makes a proper family and it has hit a nerve. I can't afford to be a sahm, not sure I really want to anyway, and I don't actually want another child (have one toddler age dc). I feel guilty, am I depriving my dc of a normal home life by working and not giving him siblings? I feel conflicted all the time about my choices as it is (not enough time for him, guilt at nursery drop offs etc) and this hasn't helped, especially as her view of a proper family is exactly what I had growing up! Should I put my dcs needs first and have another child so he can experience a more traditional home life?

Am I being ridiculous?!

[SoddingUnicorns]

It will be a sad day in hell when people can't say or even think what they like

Personally I think it’s far sadder that people feel entitled to make other people feel like shite for their completely valid choices.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Your friend certainly needs to be more open minded.

Circumstances can change in an instant- a parent can leave, die, announce they're shagging the secretary and walk out, her husband could be diagnosed with a chronic illness and she'll be forced to work. Not being a "proper respectable" family is what prevented abused wives leaving their partners in years gone by.

She's being very short sighted.

[BlankTimes]

Surely, "a proper family" is one that has a kindly and loving atmosphere in their home.

nothing else matters apart from that.

People have such distorted views these days, so many are far too concerned about creating a false image of perfection for everyone else to see, rather than creating a better reality in the here and now.

[LLM88]

I didn't really know how to respond, I think she thinks I will probably have a second baby and then step back at work a bit, and so end up with a more 'traditional' set up too, so in that sense I don't think it was an open attack on my choices. It just hit a nerve as I thought if I don't follow that route I wonder how many other people would share that view about my family? It's nice to hear positive stories of families with one child, just wish I knew some in rl!

[TheRebel]

I feel the complete opposite, I have a sibling with special needs so once my parents are gone I’ll be left to take care of him for the rest of my life and I’m not sure that’s what most parents want for their children. And my mum was a sahm, if she’d worked then we would have had a much better standard of living when I was growing up.

I’ve only got 1 child and that’s because I want to give her the best I can, I feel that by working I’m being a good role model and at nursery she’s getting great experience making friends and interacting with other people which she wouldn’t get if she was at home with me because we wouldn’t be able to afford to go out to places if I wasn’t working. Also by working I can afford to put money away for her so she can have a head start in life.

[Coyoacan]

It's nice to hear positive stories of families with one child, just wish I knew some in rl

Well my dd is an only child and overheard me recommending to a friend that she should have more than one, and told me that she was glad she was an only child as all her friends spent their lives complaining about their siblings.

[BoxsetsAndPopcorn]

A SAHM doesn't make for a proper family neither does siblings.

Most people if they had to describe a family would say mum, dad and child / children. What does work have to do with family?

[Anniegetyourgun]

I wonder how many other people would share that view about my family?

Probably quite a few. Not because they're right, but because there are lots of idiots about.

[ktp100]

Some people can't have more than one child - oh how terrible of them! And fancy having a mortgage to pay so actually having to work as a Mother! The shock of it!

What's shocking is her ridiculously old fashioned thinking.

Also, I was an only child and I never once wished I had siblings. All my friends seemed to do with theirs is argue and fight!

[perfectstorm]

She's a smug cow. Ignore her. I'd rather have a mother who worked, and be an only child, than with a mother whose identity was to provide us with The Perfect Childhood (That Vindicates Her Life Choices).

Incidentally, recent research has indicated that having a working mother increases a daughter's own wage, and academic attainment. And also meant a son would be more likely to see women as equals. I'll dig up the link - she can put that in her pipe and smoke it.

I'm a SAHM to 2 kids, by the way. But I try hard not to be a smug cow, or place my self-worth in their futures... because what kid needs that sort of burden to carry?

[perfectstorm]

Oh, and two of the best, kindest, warmest and most successful women I know are only children. Interestingly, they also support more and compete less than people with siblings seem to. Purely anecdotal, but it does make me wonder if there is possibly something in the confidence that comes from being solely adored, together with not having to fight like cat and dog for parental attention? They're just both quietly confident people. Very assured, but not pushy.

[perfectstorm]

Here's the link: time.com/money/5272659/working-moms-better-kids/

[AnnoyedinJanuary]

I was an only child and never missed having siblings ever! In fact it's helped to make me who I am today - strong and independent - able to be in my own company and know I can always rely on myself. I think being an only child was great (not for everyone I know) but as I aged in life - I made my own family through the friends I could pick and choose for myself. I have v close female and male friends and can make friends easily. My mum who was a stay at home Mum was also told to give me siblings and I live in fear of it happening! Ignore your friend she is obviously still living in the 1950's...... yime has moved on - so have what constitutes a proper family.

[Strongmummy]

She’s an insensitive twat. Ditch her. You don’t need negative shit like that in your life

[Katherine2626]

A proper family is a group of people who love one another, want to be together and try to be happy. I don't think there is a handbook with details of ages, sizes etc. End of.

[Lellikelly26]

As long as you are there for your child and they feel loved and have enough care and attention I think that is fine. In fact the more children you have the less attention you can give. And it is more expensive. I had one DS and had my second DC when he was 7 as I didn’t want him to be an only child. But they don’t get on at all and I can’t see them having a strong relationship as adults which is sad. I’m sure both would prefer to be only children

[Sortofcool]

She’s talking bollocks and sounds like she thinks we are still in the 1950s when such opinions were the norm.

There’s no such thIng as a ‘proper’ family any more thankfully and as long as a child is loved and nurtured it doesn’t matter whether they have siblings and a DM & DF or are living with a grandparent, lone parent, gay parent/s or a trusted family friend. Love is love no matter who gives it and no matter how many children make up a family. She’s talking shit.

[perfectstorm]

Oh, and some studies show that only children are happier. Others show they're more confident. And a huge number of studies show they strongly trend towards higher IQs - several large data analyses have come to the same conclusion. Honestly, all the evidence seems to be that onlies do better - they're even more popular (one study analysed which birth order place increased the chances of being picked earliest in school for teams... onlies placed first).

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/children/8132758/Only-children-are-the-happiest-says-new-study.html

www.researchgate.net/publication/232576074_Quantitative_Review_of_the_Only_Child_Literature_Research_Evidence_and_Theory_Development - this is a meta-analysis of several studies. There are a lot of those, and they all seem to trend in your favour, especially where IQ is concerned. Onlies seem to have a large head start on intellectual development.

content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2002530-2,00.html

www.nytimes.com/2013/06/09/opinion/sunday/only-children-lonely-and-selfish.html?

archive.nytimes.com/www.nytimes.com/books/first/m/mckibben-one.html

There's a ton more. I could paste links for hours. So... yeah. According to science, you're the ideal parent.

[perfectstorm]

And before anyone starts to tell me siblings are great and now I'm being judgy - I don't have an only child, and I am not an only child. I'm just allergic to judgemental armchair parenting experts.

[Haffiana]

but I could choose to put my own preferences aside

So, hang on - you also have an opinion about what a proper family is?

Why are you giving headspace to someone else's opinion when you clearly have your own? Why would you do that? Why blame the other person for your reaction to their opionion?

[Myimaginarycathasfleas]

Your friend is talking nonsense. When she says ‘normal’ she means ‘ideal’, based on her very subjective view. No basis in reality.

Carry on doing what you do, it’s fine.

[Herbalteahippie]

Tell your friend, that a ‘proper friend’ doesn’t say stupid stuff like that.

YANBU

[Lulu1919]

A proper family isn’t whatever you’re family ‘is’
As long as there is love 💕

[Lulu1919]

Your 🤬

[thatmustbenigelwiththebrie]

Yes you are being ridiculous. Why do you even care what someone else thinks?