friend's view on a 'proper family'

[LLM88]

A friend said today that a home with a few siblings, and basically a sahm is what makes a proper family and it has hit a nerve. I can't afford to be a sahm, not sure I really want to anyway, and I don't actually want another child (have one toddler age dc). I feel guilty, am I depriving my dc of a normal home life by working and not giving him siblings? I feel conflicted all the time about my choices as it is (not enough time for him, guilt at nursery drop offs etc) and this hasn't helped, especially as her view of a proper family is exactly what I had growing up! Should I put my dcs needs first and have another child so he can experience a more traditional home life?

Am I being ridiculous?!

I have siblings and I do on occasion feel a bit sad that my DS won't have that relationship - we did fight all the time when young but when older we really were there for each other.
However, my DH is an only child and when I mused about this one day he pointed out he did not "miss" a sibling as he never had one. He was very happy as a child, is a happy adult and is actually a lot more outgoing and confident than me especially in social situations.

A family is what you make it, I was brought up by a SAHM and I am a SAHM but I totally understand that not everyone can be one, as for siblings "only child" families clarent known to suffer any worse, I was one of 7 and much as I love my B&S I did feel I didn't get much 121 time with my parents. My DS5 loves babies and often rushes over when he sees them, he is first one to volunteer us for babysitting a baby. But he said himself "If you gave me a baby sister or brother then I don't think I'd be happy cos you won't have as much time to spend with me". He loves to breath a sigh of relief when family or friends babies go home after we have babysat. It's up to you whether you have any more, but don't take it off anyone else. This is your family not theirs.

Is your friend my Mil😆?

Haven't read all of this but quite a bit of it. I have one DD who is nearly 21, father has never been involved although she was planned after an eight year relationship.

She has an amazing sense of self and self confidence. I've probably bragged about her on previous posts. She has cousins who adore her, my mother who loves her and we have a great relationship.

My sister and I are ok, but we are totally pissed off with my brother who has done literally nothing since our father died a few weeks ago.

You cannot predict the future.

And I went back to work full time when she was six weeks old.

What a smug cow your friend is. So long as parent(s) and child(ren) are happy and the set up works for them, who cares what the family set up is. I often think it's good for kids to see their parent(s) working; it's a good example to set.

Your friend is the unreasonable and thoughtless one.

Your friend's talking crap.

People sometime talk crap. I once said to a few other mums at the school gate a proper house has a front door at the front of the house, not the side. Judging by their faces (and when I thought about it, where they live) they all had front doors at the side if their house. I have been cringing ever since.

Families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. Proper ones love and care for each other. I'm not sure there's any other criteria.

I think your friend forgot about the dog....surely a proper family needs a dog .

I’ve had the comment that one child isn’t a family. I just replied that it is in my family No ill effects for my son at all

She needs to know the definition of a 'proper friend" imo. How horrible.

I read this book to my 6 year old to help her understand that families come in all shapes and sizes. Perhaps your friend would find it useful too!

www.amazon.co.uk/Great-Big-Book-Families/dp/1847805876/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ref=plSrch&keywords=the+great+big+book+of+families&dpPl=1&dpID=61tyhxeJkyL&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1528911337&sr=8-1

She reads the Daily Mail eh?

She's been watch too many re runs of The Waltons.

I believe in living together before marriage, but I also believe in marriage before kids.

These are MY beliefs and mine only. I would never force these beliefs on anyone else and I wouldn’t expect anyone to force their beliefs on me. And I wouldn’t discount anyone who lives differently to me because we are all normal in our own way.

Your friend is being an ass who thinks her way is the right way. Which it is, for her, but not for everyone. Ignore her and do what’s best for you and your family x

She sounds like an idiot.

OP, of course you’re a proper family. I thought a couple who don’t have kids was a family too.
It’s a settled belonging thing I think. I also feel like you - was enjoying just one so really was surprised that I didn’t want another one to spoil it. And then over time we wanted another one and so have a wider gap than I ever thought we would have but it was and is perfect for us. You may want another child at some point or you may not - things change and silly comments like your mate’s are not very considered.

It will be a sad day in hell when people can't say or even think what they like and that day is getting closer. Just tell her you don't agree with her point of view and leave it at that.

Oh no hang on. That would be edging ever closer to your sad day in hell. Surely rather than being polite, OP should tell her friend that she is a silly, sheltered, judgemental twat?

Don't pay any attention to her. If you love your child and spend time and she know she is cherished is the most important thing. I have a few only child friends and they are great at making friends and adapting. So don't feel guilty. There are all types of families and having siblings and a sahm is not a condition to being a happy one.

Please please please stick to what works for you and your little one.
Well meaning friends will say things of the same ilk- you will get used to saying hmm you might be right in a very non comittal voice then ignore it!!
Through circumstance I became a single mum, went back to training, work then back to higher education, all the while being able to take my child to visit his paternal family abroad, holidays to Scotland and my family in other parts of the uk. He has had so many wonderful experiences which would not have been possible if I'd had another when people started saying " oh you'd better have another one now don't leave too much of a gap " and that old chestnut " don't be selfish"
I have come to see it that I would have in fact been more selfish to have another child just so they could keep each other occupied whilst growing up on limited resources. I don't just mean financial but my mental and emotional energy to give to a developing human being! I evaluated my capabilities and done what I thought was best for my family. Especially as I never in my wildest imagination could have guessed the exhaustion that comes from working 40+ a week with a fractious 2yr old at home. It's been a learning curve but I personally have come a long way as a parent a though an only child my DD isn't a little shit (putting bluntly!) but a much more confident and caring child than I was at his age! In fact the only thing I would change is all the wasted evenings agonising over whether I was doing the right thing or not. Hopefully you will give yourself that from all these comments on your thread, lord knows we all could treat ourselves a little more gently as parents.

A proper family is somewhere where you can relax and be yourself with people who love you.
If you aren’t doing it right op, half the country aren’t.

Your friend is a cow.

Right now we are more a 'proper' family with just me and my two teenage DDs than we were for the last 2-3 years of the time my STBXH was still living with us. We stopped being a proper family when he started loving alcohol more than he loved us. Now we have that sense of family back, and it took becoming a single parent to do it.

😢 I always wanted 2 or 3 children, but ex-H left me after we had dd and I have not met anyone else. It’s been tough and I really mourn the fact that I will never have more children (too late now). What makes it worse is that I know many people share the OP’s friend’s view.

I was on another thread a while ago, about houses, and someone said that as I was divorced i didn’t need a family home! That really stung. 😢

@Notcontent what a stupid and absurd comment! I know how they can hit you though.

Waves back to @ poinythings. Not sure if that works but thank you!

@pointythings no, I cannot spell despite being a proof reader. I was listening to my cat munching in the kitchen and was distracted!

If I had a pound for every time I got told "oh you can't just have one!" I'd be able to afford the elusive second child!
Your friend is been unreasonable. I can understand your concerns though. We are happily one and done but "well meaning" comments make us think and going back to work was tough, however, now we are settled I love the balance we have.
Every family dynamic is different. Just do what you makes your house happy!

It's weird how I never heard this stuff in RL, only ever on mumsnet.

DP and I both work full time. We have one DC and that isn't going to change any time soon as childcare is so expensive, we couldn't afford to put another kid in, and neither of us want to stop working. We are going to think about another child once DS is in school. Even then it may not happen if finances aren't right, and I'll be 37.

But it doesn't matter because I love my "proper" little family!