friend's view on a 'proper family'

[LLM88]

A friend said today that a home with a few siblings, and basically a sahm is what makes a proper family and it has hit a nerve. I can't afford to be a sahm, not sure I really want to anyway, and I don't actually want another child (have one toddler age dc). I feel guilty, am I depriving my dc of a normal home life by working and not giving him siblings? I feel conflicted all the time about my choices as it is (not enough time for him, guilt at nursery drop offs etc) and this hasn't helped, especially as her view of a proper family is exactly what I had growing up! Should I put my dcs needs first and have another child so he can experience a more traditional home life?

Am I being ridiculous?!

[Kate0902900908]

You’re doing the right thing for your child now. You’re looking after your child and providing for your child!
Children don’t need siblings it’s not what makes a happy childhood?! I have lots of only children friends and plenty of friends who grew up with siblings.... their no different. Your friend should be ashamed having the luxury of being a sahm is dying off people simply can’t afford it and you don’t need a guilt trip.

[malificent7]

I don't get people who go on about siblings. I love my sister but we were never close even as kids.

[Tweez]

My son is 25 and is well adjusted, sociable and a lovely chap with lots of friends. He didn’t miss out. He went to nursery from 6 months old, while I worked and he is an only child. Please don’t listen to your friend, her views are very old fashioned and life isn’t like that anymore.

[MissP103]

Yes op you are ridiculous. So because someone has an opinion you would change your entire life because they said so? Dont be so weak. If thats not your plans then that's that. Do you let everyone that has an opinion have such a life changing impact on your own life.

[Katypage]

To be fair when we were all growing up the norm was the 2.4 children and a stay at home mum so that’s where she’s coming from, she probably doesn’t mean any harm by it.
You can’t win whatever side of this argument you’re on so I wouldn’t even try!
I’m a SAHM because of health reasons and I get made to feel useless by other mums because I don’t work. I’m also unable to have any more kids so I’m made to feel guilty that my son doesn’t have any brothers or sisters.
What needs to happen is that people need to except that everyone’s situation is different, no two families are the same or have the same dynamic, so they should mind their own business and live and let live! It’ll never happen mind you but we can dream!!

[TheOxymoron]

Surely there is some episode of Peppa Pig or something equally annoying explaining different families that you could send her.

[KingsScorn]

She sounds really unkind - if she is capable of saying that kind of thing to you, knowing your situation is different, then she definitely isn't the kind of friend, or mother, I would want.

DH grew up in the traditional family you describe - they are not close. He hasn't seem his sister for years, his parents are very controlling and then punishing when people don't jump to fit in with their way of the right way (aka their way) to do things so he avoids them as much as possible.

We've got one child (teenager now and I am late forties so that won't change) and I work - both of these things DH thinks are good having grew up with a SAHM and a sibling.

[RiverTam]

ZOMBIE THREAD!

[autumnbreeze25]

Your friend is being very unkind, perhaps see a little less of her. All families come all shapes and sizes. One child of course makes you a family.

[Fundays12]

For me a proper family is one that loves and supports each other. I work part time and will never give up my working although financially we are no better off me working at the moment. Does that mean we are not a proper family? I think my kids would disagree with this as I spend a lot of quality time with them as does their dad. My parents both worked 60 to 70 hour works and to be honest we didn’t feel like I had a proper family growing up as I never saw them and had a nanny all the time both my parents regretted this. Yes I had 2 parents but my memories of them are limited which is sad and I have never understood why they had kids although they obviously loved us they just had no time for us but they were the extreme end of working parents (they didn’t need the money we were well off and would have been in my mum worked half the hours). To me a family is giving your kids as much support as you can, loving them and being their for them. A SAHM does not necessarily give their kids more quality time just quantity. Family dynamics these days are very different I know kids whose parents are split up but share joint custody and work as a team to raise their kids. They would not be a normal family as far as your friend is concerned but their kids are the most lovely, well adjusted, nice kids you could meet so it works.

[FiveShelties]

I am an only child, my Mum worked full-time from me being around three years old. It had never occurred to me that I did not come from a proper family I have never missed having siblings.

I was loved, cared for and had a great childhood ---- as many posters have said it is not about quantity of care but quality.

[Beesandfrogsandfleas]

Shitfahmlee are you joking in your post? If not, do you and your son love each other, have fun together? Have you other problems such as money worries that make things bad? I can imagine no child asking why his family is shit. He's loved and safe - that's a good star isn't it?
Of course we have ideas of family from even things like childhood stories - but I also read the stories where the kid lived in an orphanage or with cruel parents so your son is already a big step up from that.

[peaky297]

I really don't think it matters what your set up is, so long as your child is loved, cared for and has enough attention and engagement.

In terms of having siblings, I was an only child and always wished that I had a sibling (and sometimes I still do as an adult!) That being said, there are plenty of people I know who really do not get on with their siblings... ultimately its a lottery in that respect, so the decision should be based on whether YOU want another child, not whether your child would like a sibling.

PS - ditch the friend. She sounds like a kn0b.

[Beesandfrogsandfleas]

You need some support in rl. I could suggest lots of silly things to do with your child that would count as fun. But sounds as if there are underlying issues going on that would mean these would not touch the surface. I don’t think your child can be positive if you think everything is shit. Please don’t leave things like this.

[overagain]

I think it was the idea that no siblings is a terrible thing to do to my child that really got to me,

It got to me to. And I am now pregnant with DC2. A decision I deeply regret. I resent this pregnancy, this child. I do not want it. I wish I wasn't pregnant now THAT is a terrible thing.

[penisbeakers]

Your friend is a twat.

[deathisforever]

Obviously I don't know for sure and I love my 3 brothers very much but I equally think I would have been a very happy only child.

DD is 3 months old, there are no plans to have another (in fact, I don't think we can afford it even if we wanted to) and I'm going back to work at 9 months for 4 days a week.

Family is different for everyone. As long as your DC is happy and loved, he has all the family he needs.

[Dawsonforehead]

OP ignore this "friend". My neighbour once told me her DD wanted to have a 3rd child because "she wants a family". So in their eyes a family of 3 or 4 aren't even a family, let alone a "proper family".

And my neighbour's daughter is quite openly miserable with a DH who couldn't care less about the kids and she can't deal with the children she has and still wants more. So don't listen to judgy comments that don't come from a sensible place.

[bringincrazyback]

She's BU. Families come in all flavours, it's the quality of the relationships within a family that make or break it, not how many constituent parts it has.

[Nala18]

I came from a single parent family, dad was never involved at all due to his own choice, mum was sahm till school started, but I had no siblings. Though loved that mum was all mine, I do wish and always have wished I had a sis or a bro especially now I'm older and would love to have someone to love as well as mum x

[Sammymommy]

I had a stay at home mother (who was depressed and ignoring me) and one sibling (drug user, older made my childhood hell). I'll take a not normal family everyday over that... Don't worry. Wathever you choose, your child can have a happy childhood ;) .