AIBU Friend brought own food to dinner party?

[mmmgoats]

I have a newish friend. Met through a local exercise class. There's a group of us and we meet up for the class every week then go for coffee and lunch afterwards. Had a bit of a bad year last year and been isolating myself a bit, the class is the one thing I've made a real effort to go to and DH has been encouraging me to try and develop these friendships as it's been a huge help to me.

Recently I had a kind of informal dinner party, more of a gathering, with some of the friends from the class. This friend, we'll call her Jane, was on holiday. It was a girls night and I cooked dinner with starters and dessert, nothing fancy, we had wine and it was a lot of fun.

I had some family drama recently about a holiday in-laws issue, and had been messaging some of these friends about it (also posted on mumsnet, some of you might remember). Anyway Jane had missed some of the messages and suggested another catch up was in order to hear about it in full, and because she had missed the first get together.

I obliged last night. Did a Turkish theme, had falafel as a starter, moussaka as a main and plenty of wine. Anyway I had already messaged on the group what I was planning as I know Turkish food isn't for everyone. No problem, everyone looking forward to it.

Friends arrived, wine poured, sat down for starters. Jane looks over the food and then laughed and said oh I'm glad I brought this just incase! And goes to her bag and pulls out a lunchbox with a panini type sandwich, a dairy lea lunchable and some crisps. Which she proceeds to eat while the rest of us have what I've served.

We awkwardly acknowledged it - I apologised and asked if she didn't like Turkish food or was allergic to something, and should I get her something else, but she said no she just didn't fancy Turkish tonight now.

I know it's stupid but I feel really embarrassed like I've made a bit of a faux pas somehow! It was all a bit awkward as we had our meals and she ate her little home packed meal, occasionally making comments like 'I'm cutting down anyway, so the moussaka would be too rich for me!' with a little laugh.

A few of the others have messaged me separately today to say how odd her behaviour was - we were going to make the get together a regular thing and take it turns from now on but now we're not sure? Should we do it and suggest Jane goes first at hosting? I'm wondering if she has eating issues, but don't want to harass her about it.

AIBU in just thinking it's a bit of an odd thing to do??

Much to my, and those like me, chagrin.

It's nice that you all feel comfortable talking about her behind her back, how special would she feel about that! And that you have all decided not to make get togethers a thing now...lovely!! It sounds like you don't even like her that much.

She wasn't sure if she would like what you were cooking and instead of making a huge fuss, she made accommodations. What's odd? I have to take back up food for my dd to most places as we are not sure if she will eat what is being offered. She has particular sensory issues around food. It's nice to that some would consider excluding her because of it.

But just to rock up with a lunchbox is weird is it? or is it that she felt comfortable enough in op's and others company that she felt she could do it, instead of sit there, not eating or eating something she didn't want/like?

Carry on with your dinner party (ies) and accept if she wants to bring her own.Make enough for all though (leftovers aren't a bad thing) rather than putting her on the spot if one day she turns up without her own, or decides to try something.
The more comfortable she feels the more likely she'll at some point unveil the real reason to you all, but she doesn't have to and others could make the issue worse if they badger her about it.

Whatever her reasons were the decent Thing would have been to let the OP know beforehand. What she did was so rude but more so weird. I couldn't do with these odd ways of hers and would actually cool this friendship. Yes actually I would!

I wouldn’t have a problem with someone bringing their own food (even if it was crap like a lunchable) if I knew in advance. Not being told is rude however. What if more than one person did this, 2, 3, half the guest list? It is not always possible to freeze and reheat food so it would have to be binned. Waste of food and money.

Maybe have a Dairylea and wine evening next time. Cabbage with Dairylea triangles inpaled all over it?

@different, oh come on! If you have sensory issues surrounding food you let your host know that you’ll be bringing your own and tell her not to take offence. It’s about good social interaction and I hope you’re teaching your daughter that part of dealing with her issues will be to ensure that others understand.

You so have to have another dinner at someone else's you can have bets on what she brings and update us here.

How very odd.

This has been a most excellent thread for proving how far Mumsnetters will bend over backwards to excuse socially inept behaviour. Very entertaining!

differentnameforthis, I agree with Strongmummy. The problem here is not that 'Jane' couldn't or wouldn't eat what was put in front of her, it's that she had suggested that everybody should get together over dinner, knew roughly what the menu would be and said absolutely nothing to prepare the hostess for the fact that she would be bringing her own food. She could at the very least have made some sort of explanation at the time.

As for As an aside, I would not have eaten what you had on offer to be fair, because I don't like it. what's that got to do with anything? OP had told the group she was planning to cook Turkish food. The grown up thing for someone unfortunate enough not to like Turkish food would be to say so at that point and either offer to bring her own food or ask (diffidently) if the menu could be tweaked to ensure they had something to eat on the night.

I'm reminded of the time my parents invited a couple round for a meal. The husband was not known for his social graces. My mum asked him if he would like some broccoli and he laughed and said 'No, it's horrible!'

I would have said something stronger at the time. Her behaviour was incredibly rude. How old is she? 8? Just eat what is put in front of you ffs

Lethaldrizzle, to be fair, not everybody can do that if they have a medically diagnosed allergy or intolerance or a sensory issue or some other major temporary or permanent problem with food. However, adult people with these problems should be aware that this needs to be communicated to other people as otherwise it just looks rude.

She was incredibly rude, shes an adult and shouldnt have behaved like that.
If she has an eating disorder or problem with certain foods then she should have contacted you and beforehand and asked if she could come later after dinner or if you could do something else for her.
But to look at the dinner a laugh- what an utter cow.I would'nt be bothering with her again.

If she had issues with your food, she should have contacted you to see if she could bring some food, as she would prefer to, and to allow you to accommodate her.

@ThePeasantsAreAtTheGates Friends have dropped her due to her food issues????? Are you serious?!? Wow! They sound shallow as hell! As if! I have a friend with eating issues and it's something we joke about! Christ almighty

Very odd behaviour. Could be explained by health issues, food intolerances, or eating disorder, yes - but why on earth would she not have said something beforehand?

If you really like her and want to continue these get-togethers, then I think that it would be interesting to get her to host next time to see what she considers IS acceptable food for a get-together!! You might all get beans on toast and tinned macaroni pudding, but at least you'd have an idea!

I really don't understand why she asked the OP to host another one. Why not suggest a different sort of get together?

Some people have anxiety issues/ sensory issues with food. It may have been her way of trying NOT to make a fuss?

I'm in the 'deliberate PITA behaviour camp' because Jane was the one who pushed for the dinner party to take place - people with food issues and manners don't instigate meals with friends; they are more likely to suggest meetups that don't involve a meal because of all the hassle it is for them. Then Jane was informed what the food would be, and everyone was given the opportunity to say if it wasn't their thing, or if they had any allergies or major dislikes. Jane said nothing.
She waited till the food was served, sneered at it and then produced her own picnic, with no warning and no explanation.
This is someone who needs to be the centre of attention and enjoys making other people feel uncomfortable. (Like poor OP, who is anxious that her cooking wasn't good enough, and that perhaps the friendship group should stop doing dinner events because maybe they are difficult for Jane...)

I'm with SGB. Like I said upthread, I have a child who has ARFID. It's a total pain in the arse and we don't eat out much because of it. If we go to someone else's house and food is involved, I make it very clear (with profuse apologies) that he shouldn't be catered for and I will either feed him beforehand or bring something appropriate. I won't spring it on the host at the last minute and I always make it clear it is absolutely our problem; and not the host's.

Falafel isn't Turkish.

Re the packed lunch; as much as I might roll my eyes I would prefer that someone did this rather than pick through and dissect the food I had made.

Well, maybe she is trying to get over her issues with food, whatever they may be, and feels comfortable enough in this group to try but bottled out at the last minute, so ate her own.

Maybe that's an enormous step for her.

Maybe another dinner party - perhaps with food she's more familiar with - will take another step forward. I don't mean deliberately find out what food she'd like, but that one day things might come together for her; the right people - you lot!; the right place - one of your homes; the right food......

You like her. Let her be, and you may find that you have helped someone you like get over wht might be a massive problem. Would that be worth it?

I mean obviously what she did was incredibly odd and rude. To me it does sound like there's something up with her rather than just being deliberately rude. No idea what though - eating disorder? Social issues?

Personally I would probably just let it go. It doesn't sound like it's personal to you - just her eccentricity.

It is odd I wouldn't do it but anyone with food issues/fussiness/intolenaces will tell you there will always be some sneery person who goes in about eating anything making you feel like a tit.

I would love to bring my own food any dinner party gives me anxiety because I know I'm going to have to force myself to eat as much as I can then sit awkwardly with the rest. It's worse when people try to cater for me by getting a list of what i'll eat it's so embarrassing I would much rather just sort myself out than cringe dictating what someone makes.