AIBU Friend brought own food to dinner party?

[mmmgoats]

I have a newish friend. Met through a local exercise class. There's a group of us and we meet up for the class every week then go for coffee and lunch afterwards. Had a bit of a bad year last year and been isolating myself a bit, the class is the one thing I've made a real effort to go to and DH has been encouraging me to try and develop these friendships as it's been a huge help to me.

Recently I had a kind of informal dinner party, more of a gathering, with some of the friends from the class. This friend, we'll call her Jane, was on holiday. It was a girls night and I cooked dinner with starters and dessert, nothing fancy, we had wine and it was a lot of fun.

I had some family drama recently about a holiday in-laws issue, and had been messaging some of these friends about it (also posted on mumsnet, some of you might remember). Anyway Jane had missed some of the messages and suggested another catch up was in order to hear about it in full, and because she had missed the first get together.

I obliged last night. Did a Turkish theme, had falafel as a starter, moussaka as a main and plenty of wine. Anyway I had already messaged on the group what I was planning as I know Turkish food isn't for everyone. No problem, everyone looking forward to it.

Friends arrived, wine poured, sat down for starters. Jane looks over the food and then laughed and said oh I'm glad I brought this just incase! And goes to her bag and pulls out a lunchbox with a panini type sandwich, a dairy lea lunchable and some crisps. Which she proceeds to eat while the rest of us have what I've served.

We awkwardly acknowledged it - I apologised and asked if she didn't like Turkish food or was allergic to something, and should I get her something else, but she said no she just didn't fancy Turkish tonight now.

I know it's stupid but I feel really embarrassed like I've made a bit of a faux pas somehow! It was all a bit awkward as we had our meals and she ate her little home packed meal, occasionally making comments like 'I'm cutting down anyway, so the moussaka would be too rich for me!' with a little laugh.

A few of the others have messaged me separately today to say how odd her behaviour was - we were going to make the get together a regular thing and take it turns from now on but now we're not sure? Should we do it and suggest Jane goes first at hosting? I'm wondering if she has eating issues, but don't want to harass her about it.

AIBU in just thinking it's a bit of an odd thing to do??

She either has a food issue or she’s just fucking rude. Reminds me of a friend I used to have who used to wail ‘but is it free range and organic?’ when she came to my house for dinner or when we went out for lunch together. It turns out she was a total douche bag and the food thing was the early warning signs...

I once dated a guy who never ate at other people's houses. He did eat at restaurants though. So I found it really rude towards his friends, it was like he doubted their food quality.. Some people are just very weird.

It was odd, but a lot of people are a little bit odd

Just accept it as her "thing"

Some people do have issues with food. I've had friends who had a very limited diet. She was probably scared there would be nothingto eat, so bought her own. If she is really nice in every other way. I would just let this go and accept that this is just what she does.

If she does have an issue she is probably embarrassed about it and tries to minimize it by having her own food

Of course it's bloody unusual. No matter what weird shit someone does, someone will try to convince you it's normal. It's not normal to bring a packed lunch to someone's dinner party, not even remotely.

Absolutely this ^

Personally, if I had food issues I wouldn’t be the one to suggest another group meal at someone else’s house. And I certainly wouldn't be rude enough to randomly whip out a bloody packed lunch fit for a 6 year old when the food was served!

She was rude and should have mentioned that she was planning on bringing her own food.

I actually don't like eating at people's houses. I do it, because it's polite but I'd rather not. It's my issue, not theirs.

DD has sensory issues with food, she's mostly grown out of it now. If she's going to someone's house, she'll warn their parents in advance, "I don't like chips." Not hard.

Mmmmm I could really go a dairylea lunchable now!

I've got some Lunchables in the fridge, I quite fancy one now lol.

It could be anything - she might be lactose intolerant for instance but not want to share her medical issues. The only thing for which she can be criticised is not telling you in advance that she would BYO so that you didn't over-cater.

She may have had a gastric band or sleeve. Lots don’t want to share this info and eating is hard. The extra stress of others not knowing is also a factor. But sounds like she wanted to be with you all and whether diet or other issues she has tried to fit in. Relax if she had not gone you would be thinking she did not like you v

I’m sorry you felt uncomfortable & embarassed, despite my own issues, I’d probably feel the same.

I’m currently on a very restricted diet due to a few health issues. It’s about an inch from being ‘food free’ to most people’s way of thinking. The difference is I would have just said upfront that I’d love to come for the evening, but given my pain in the backside restrictions, I’d just bring my own dinner if that was ok...

Her rudeness really was a) not telling you in advance and b) making negative comments about the food you served.

However, she clearly has issues of some kind (whether that’s the food itself or just eating food someone else has prepared) & I wouldn’t make anything of it. Just carry on with your plans and she will fit in around you. Keep doing meals at each other’s houses if you all enjoyed it, she’ll bring her pack up or join in - one person either way makes sod all difference If you go to a restaurant it’s her choice whether to come or not. You can’t accommodate the unknown so either she adapts, declines or explains - the onus is on her, not everyone else.

One of my best mates eats like a toddler. Sounds like Jane is similar.

She wouldn't bring a lunchable to my house, but I know her plenty well enough not to waste my time cooking something tasty like moussaka, and just get the chicken fucking nuggets out.

Major red flag for disordered eating. Do you know anything about her general mental health? I would keep an eye on her in the next few weeks - she might need some support.

I would definitely message/speak with her and so you were a bit hurt by her bringing her own food and make a point of asking if I offended her in some way or does she have a problem with my cooking. That should have her feeling rather embarrassed and guilty and she may explain.

Yes, it's odd, but, in the nicest why possible, so what? The main thing is that you sound like a really good host and you shouldn't take it personally. If the rest of the group had a great time and seem to really enjoy a dinner party, and Jane seems happy bringing her own food for whatever reason , I wouldn't change anything for the next one! If it ain't broke ....

I suffer from anxiety and OCD and a major presentation of this is phobias eating food, as I am very particular about hygiene, bacteria and a fear of getting sick.
I would prefer not to eat the food at all rather than count down the hours till I'm in the clear from food poisoning afterwards.
Don't take it personally, maybe she has a similar issue but still wanted to take part in the evening.

She should have told you and you could have put something to her liking on the table. I am thinking she has issues with food and dealt with it in the wrong way.

My grandma once brought a packed lunch to a Christmas buffet I'd put on. She'd heard me chatting about it and didn't think it sounded like her sort of thing. my mum was furious but I just kind of found it funny. People are odd sometimes!!

Very rude, you just don't do that.

Is that you Jackie? Horrible grandma at it again?

Yes, definitely rude, especially looking at what others are eating and saying it's "too rich for me". I find that so passive aggressive and selfrighteous. I think it implies the other person is overindulging.

So odd for a grown adult to rock up to a dinner party with a lunchbox of food, never mind food suitable for a small kid

It’s not you, it’s her!

What's strikes me as most unusual is that none of you questioned her as to why she brought her own food.

I dont think my friends and I could have held that in.

Mind you thats probably because I know people who bring their own strange tubs of food round due to being on some wierd diet or other but she was having panini and dairy lee so i would be dying to know why

My husband's father and his young 2nd wife once came to my home for dinner. I was serving a slow cooked lamb stew as they said they liked lamb stew. There was also a soup starter and cheese as they avoid carbs. I had checked before if this was ok. Yes they said.

They then came and ate their own white bread/cheese slice sandwiches instead of the meal I had prepared. I personally thought bread was carbs but according to them white bread isn't.

But they are very weird about food and I was expecting some madness.

Some people are just odd about food for a variety of reasons. I just wish they would share how they feel and then you would plan accordingly.