AIBU Friend brought own food to dinner party?

[mmmgoats]

I have a newish friend. Met through a local exercise class. There's a group of us and we meet up for the class every week then go for coffee and lunch afterwards. Had a bit of a bad year last year and been isolating myself a bit, the class is the one thing I've made a real effort to go to and DH has been encouraging me to try and develop these friendships as it's been a huge help to me.

Recently I had a kind of informal dinner party, more of a gathering, with some of the friends from the class. This friend, we'll call her Jane, was on holiday. It was a girls night and I cooked dinner with starters and dessert, nothing fancy, we had wine and it was a lot of fun.

I had some family drama recently about a holiday in-laws issue, and had been messaging some of these friends about it (also posted on mumsnet, some of you might remember). Anyway Jane had missed some of the messages and suggested another catch up was in order to hear about it in full, and because she had missed the first get together.

I obliged last night. Did a Turkish theme, had falafel as a starter, moussaka as a main and plenty of wine. Anyway I had already messaged on the group what I was planning as I know Turkish food isn't for everyone. No problem, everyone looking forward to it.

Friends arrived, wine poured, sat down for starters. Jane looks over the food and then laughed and said oh I'm glad I brought this just incase! And goes to her bag and pulls out a lunchbox with a panini type sandwich, a dairy lea lunchable and some crisps. Which she proceeds to eat while the rest of us have what I've served.

We awkwardly acknowledged it - I apologised and asked if she didn't like Turkish food or was allergic to something, and should I get her something else, but she said no she just didn't fancy Turkish tonight now.

I know it's stupid but I feel really embarrassed like I've made a bit of a faux pas somehow! It was all a bit awkward as we had our meals and she ate her little home packed meal, occasionally making comments like 'I'm cutting down anyway, so the moussaka would be too rich for me!' with a little laugh.

A few of the others have messaged me separately today to say how odd her behaviour was - we were going to make the get together a regular thing and take it turns from now on but now we're not sure? Should we do it and suggest Jane goes first at hosting? I'm wondering if she has eating issues, but don't want to harass her about it.

AIBU in just thinking it's a bit of an odd thing to do??

It's definitely a bit odd, but who isn't? It wouldn't put me off her if she's nice. I'd probably ask her about it.

I like the bring a dish idea for the next one.

I think you handled it perfectly by not making an issue of it at the dinner. I suspect she didn't mean to come across as rude or ungrateful, but as has been previously mentioned, has a food related issue.

In your position I'd also have been initially upset, but if she is completely fine otherwise, and there was no ill intention meant, I'd let it slide. In future when having a dinner party I'd just message her beforehand and ask if she was happy to eat what I was cooking, would like me to buy something else for her, or would prefer to bring her own.

So it’s a bit weird but everyone has their quirks. None of us would have any friends is people weren’t willing to put up with some weirdness in others! At least she didn’t pick at your food with a cats bum face or say unkind things about.

And at least she didn’t dissect your meal afterwards with the rest of the group and then post about on the internet. I mean, that would be really rude, what kind of friend would do a thing like that?

Way to ruin the vibe of a nice dinner party.

As many others have said, it's not you, it's her - but see how she has made you feel (however unintentionally) awkward and embarrassed for opening your home and going to all that effort for everyone.

And now the prospect of joint dinner parties is looking less likely because one person isn't able, or willing, to properly join in.

Tantric - to be fair, these are new friends. Old friends, you'd probably know about their weird idiosyncrasies, or would at least feel able to question them as to why plastic cheese was a preferable alternative to a lovely dinner.

How very bizarre.
Of course it's rude.
OP: I'm making a meal of XYZ, all good?
Everyone:yep
All sit at table, LunchableLucy gets out her kit. WTAF? I have no idea how you got through that without saying anything.
If she was particular she could easily have either messaged you directly or not come at all or eaten beforehand. That is what a normal socially aware person would do. Not turn up with a kids snack and make a show of it.

She's the one who made the faux pas! Very weird.

Sounds like she has issues around food but is embarrassed to share them. I'd chalk it up to human oddity and if she's nice in other ways let it go!

TBH the behaviour is unusual, however food is a deeply personal thing and some people have sensory issues, food traumas, etc... so it sounds like she may have an underlying cause that unfortunately came acrosss as socially odd but it can't be helped. I would say talk to her about it xx

I’ve had serious food intolerances throughout my life.
The world has had an opinion on them.
If you like her, try to go with it.
Yes, she should have perhaps talked to you first. Sure.
She didn’t, clearly.
Every time I go out, I have to do this/justify this. It is very wearing.

Massively rude and graceless of her. I wouldn't bother to cook for her again.

Food intolerance / anxiety is one thing. Being ungracious is another. I suffer from anxiety and have certain foibles, but explain them to people as I understand basic manners. It’s really no excuse and I’m slightly insulted that you think it would be. Having a mental health issue doesn’t automatically make you a social incompetent !

Can we take a moment to discuss the PP upthread with the shopping list of things they won't eat, including non-sea fish, before saying they will bring their own salmon...

Op, I have a relative like this. It's an eating disorder and general health anxiety about being poisoned by people with poor hygiene

She even did it at my wedding, but didn't say anything in advance so we had paid £100 for a meal to be served to her

Well yes, she was rude, not you. But as you like her and says she's lovely to chat with, don't worry about it. Friendship is like all the other relationships - you overlook things because the rest is worth it.

Don't draw attention to it, don't contact her, just leave it. If dinner parties become a regular thing she will probably tell one of the group what the problem is assuming this is what she does every time. You could be her confidante so don't muck it up by pushing her now.

She'll say when she's ready.

Her issue not yours! Don't worry about it.

My guess is she's pregnant! I had to bring cheese biscuits and sandwiches with me when I had lunch at BIL's house just to make sure I had a constant supply to combat the nausea. (I still ate their food though..)

She probably has an eating disorder.

Maybe she is a really picky eater and only eats processed food. It seems odd and a little immature.

Maybe she doesn’t like what you had prepared and didn’t want to offend/upset you by saying so if you are quite new friends. I don’t think the ‘it would be too rich’ is a dig as such, probably just her way of trying to make light of her eating a pack up, that just didn’t come across very well.

I think that poster said she only eats saltwater fish tenbob

It sounds like an anxiety issue to me, rather than a food issue. Either way, I think you were a very gracious host not to bring it up, and you sound like a lovely friend.

I’m desperate to know more about the BYO salmon - which is only a saltwater fish for part of its life, anyway...

This could easily be me. I'm going on a week's course this week with only four other people and I'm already stressing about food. I'm gluten intolerant and don't really do carbs. I'll be bringing my own food to last me the week

I find it especially rude, because it was Jane who asked OP to host another dinner party, as she's missed the first one.

Then she was asked if the menu was ok and didn't say she couldn't eat it.

She gave OP no warning that she'd be bringing her own food.

She can't be lactose or gluten intolerant, with a panini, Dairylea lunchables and crisps.

She obviously has issues about food of some sort, but why then ask someone to host a fucking dinner party?

YNBU

She may be a very fussy eater or have an eating disorder. I had an ED several years ago and it controlled me in similar ways.

Jane is weird.

I hear the posters who are saying she’s maybe X, Y or Z, but she sounds passive aggressive/attention seeking/controlling.

If she was just dropping in informally/in a last minute way and you were the one driving the get together, then maybe she was just about acting appropriately.

But your other friends were right to call her on it - it was very disrespectful to you as a hostess.

Fussy eaters generally aren’t worth the social effort. I absolutely do not mean people who have genuine allergies/religious dietary requirements (in general I find they tend to have practical solutions, communicate well, and aren’t PITAs)

But some people use food as a social control mechanism - it’s attention seeking.

Oh dear Blue, you have no idea.

Because this shouts eating disorder to me. As one who has an eating disorder, I recognise the unbelievably inappropriate social behaviour.