AIBU Friend brought own food to dinner party?

[mmmgoats]

I have a newish friend. Met through a local exercise class. There's a group of us and we meet up for the class every week then go for coffee and lunch afterwards. Had a bit of a bad year last year and been isolating myself a bit, the class is the one thing I've made a real effort to go to and DH has been encouraging me to try and develop these friendships as it's been a huge help to me.

Recently I had a kind of informal dinner party, more of a gathering, with some of the friends from the class. This friend, we'll call her Jane, was on holiday. It was a girls night and I cooked dinner with starters and dessert, nothing fancy, we had wine and it was a lot of fun.

I had some family drama recently about a holiday in-laws issue, and had been messaging some of these friends about it (also posted on mumsnet, some of you might remember). Anyway Jane had missed some of the messages and suggested another catch up was in order to hear about it in full, and because she had missed the first get together.

I obliged last night. Did a Turkish theme, had falafel as a starter, moussaka as a main and plenty of wine. Anyway I had already messaged on the group what I was planning as I know Turkish food isn't for everyone. No problem, everyone looking forward to it.

Friends arrived, wine poured, sat down for starters. Jane looks over the food and then laughed and said oh I'm glad I brought this just incase! And goes to her bag and pulls out a lunchbox with a panini type sandwich, a dairy lea lunchable and some crisps. Which she proceeds to eat while the rest of us have what I've served.

We awkwardly acknowledged it - I apologised and asked if she didn't like Turkish food or was allergic to something, and should I get her something else, but she said no she just didn't fancy Turkish tonight now.

I know it's stupid but I feel really embarrassed like I've made a bit of a faux pas somehow! It was all a bit awkward as we had our meals and she ate her little home packed meal, occasionally making comments like 'I'm cutting down anyway, so the moussaka would be too rich for me!' with a little laugh.

A few of the others have messaged me separately today to say how odd her behaviour was - we were going to make the get together a regular thing and take it turns from now on but now we're not sure? Should we do it and suggest Jane goes first at hosting? I'm wondering if she has eating issues, but don't want to harass her about it.

AIBU in just thinking it's a bit of an odd thing to do??

Yes I know, sad isn't it? Even her in-laws take issue with her eating habits. Her FIL called her 'an embarrassment'. I just accept her for who she is, but she is now largely excluded by others from social occasions that involve food. It just annoys some people, just like many posters on here are annoyed with the OP's friend.

I actually wouldn’t mind if a friend did this. However, I’d expect to be told before hand that’s what she was going to do.

For me the odd thing is to not inform the host and turn up with a packed lunch.

Otherwise if that’s what it takes for them to be happy and join us I’d let her get on with it.

I'd just leave her to it and whoever is host g confirm if she'd like some food or bri going her own. She may have some issues with food. It wouldn't bother me

On a slightly different note, neither falafel and moussaka are Turkish!!

I think rude OP, perhaps extremely fussy? I have a colleague who will only eat chicken nuggets, she came to my house for a dinner party and ate chicken nuggets!

I’m with SGB absolutely.

I suspect the fact that OP feels vulnerable and is in a “trying to make new friends and keep everyone happy” mode (and is probably projecting this) is part of the dynamic.

Jane has cottoned onto this and is one of those types who passive aggressively enjoys getting others to feel uncomfortable/ run round after her.

Incidentally. I’ve socialised with people like this before, and often they seem to very quickly remember their manners if it’s a situation where they know the host is, say, definitely going to call them out/exclude them , or if it’s a man doing the cooking.

Alleged food issues aside, the “comments” sound like a calculated performance designed to make the OP feel shit, when she’s trying to find support.

If someone wanted to bring their own food then fine, I'd rather they enjoyed their food. However, it should have been mentioned before to save the host buying more food than they would have for less people. And making strange or unkind comments about the hosts food is just rude.
I have coeliac disease and usually take my own food to avoid getting poorly unless I'm at my mums. However, I explain this to the host beforehand and explain it to the guests on the night so i don't get questioned about it.
When I had my eating disorder I was never rude about what others were eating. I don't recall anyone from my suppprt groups being rude about food either. Eating disorders don't make people rude. Being rude makes people rude!

As has been pointed out several times moussaka not restricted to Greece, but Turkey as well. Same with falafel.

Cancel the cheque.

Falafel is (probably) Egyptian and is most definitely Arab, not bloody Greek!!!! 🤣🤣

Have you asked her?

'Hi friend. Everything ok? I noticed you brought your own food the other night. Hope it wasn't my cooking!'

Oh give it a rest about where the food comes from. It has nothing to do with the thread and keeps derailing it.

Sorry but you have no place feeling embarrassed, this was just plain and simply RUDE

All these posters who can't be arsed to actually read the fucking thread, but go to the trouble of commenting just to correct the OP about moussaka being Greek. Knobs.

Of course YANBU, OP - bizarre behaviour.

Okay, I think 'Jane' maybe is a wee bit unusual, but unless it caused enormous ructions, I think I'd maybe just see it as a wee quirk and not let it get in the way of what sounds like a formative friendship group - you're all still just getting to know each other, and perhaps she does have certain food-related issues (allergies, sensitivities, phobias etc) which she's not yet comfortable enough to talk about in a group chat.

I have friends with eating disorders who acknowledge they have disorders, and would far rather quietly accommodate themselves than turn a social occasion into a counselling free-for-all.

TBH, there are times when I wish bringing your own food was acceptable - I'm just a common-or-garden veggie, in that I don't eat meat or fish (literally everything else, I'm not fussy at all!), but that's sometimes enough to send people into an existential panic about having me over to eat.

If one of my friends did this we would pull her leg endlessly. She wouldn’t live it down

Obviously not if an eating disorder though

Why is this a problem? You asked her to come, you had food, she didn't want that food and she ate something else. She is a good friend and clearly feels confident enough with you to do this, and everyone has had something to eat. It doesn't have to become a big issue as no one has suffered any kind of deprivation.

The polite thing to do is try everything and get chips on the way home

I think it's a little bit odd to be honest, especially if discussions were had about food prior to the evening. If I knew I was going somewhere but didn't fancy what was on the menu I would just go, try a couple of mouthfuls and say I wasn't hungry I dont think it needs raised with her but I do think getting her to host next time is a good idea... I also think you should reciprocate and take your own packed lunch along
Just kidding - don't do that, it's odd, haha!

Yes it is odd. But definitely her issue and probably hugely embarrassing for her. Don’t let it put you off being her friend.

Personally I have digestive issues and am a very fussy eater and rather than providing friends with an updated list of everything I don’t eat when they cook for me- I’ll bring along something to share that I know I can eat. I used to eat everything and am embarrassed about being so fussy - but it is what it is.

I have to say, SGB does raise a valid point. DS has HFA and food issues and we usually try to avoid food meetups but I do warn people off them and apologise in advance and tell them I'll either feed him beforehand or if it's okay to supply his food. As I've already mentioned, I have lactose intolerance but I'm also sure to mention this to the host if accepting such an invitation. I can take lactose digesting tablets, but unfortunately they don't completely erase my symptoms which are very unpleasant so I avoid lactose as much as possible.

Katherine2626 Are you serious?!?? I mean, seriously, are you truly serious? How about you plan a dinner party, invite me, and I turn up with my own meal and proceed to eat it out of a tupperware container while you are dishing out your courses and I will make petty jibes about what you are dishing out. Tell me then you wouldn't feel even slightly offended at my rudeness.

Sometimes I think people see the OP posts in abstract terms and simply cannot put themselves in the picture. That, or as I said before, they were raised in a barn with no idea how to socialise or co-exist in society.

Hello, sorry I didn't realise the thread was still going!

In answer to a PP, we did address it and question it at the time - as I asked whether she disliked Turkish food/was allergic etc. It was all a bit awkward and we dropped it because we didn't want to make a scene or make her feel uncomfortable.

The laughter and comments, I think, were probably a defence mechanism as she obviously realised we found it a bit odd.

And to those who have said I am horrible for leaving her out of future meet ups or cancelling them - won't be doing that at all and that was never the intention, I was just wondering whether we should change the meet ups. Ie not dinner or food focused.

I've since messaged the group and said that although it was great fun and I loved hosting maybe we could start taking it in turns and each bring a dish so it's a bit more chilled. Has had a positive reception so far, so hopefully this won't be an issue either for future hosts or Jane!

And yes, I if I do suspect she has some kind of issues, I will look at reaching out to her although that's probably a whole other thread as I have no idea the best way to do this without making her feel uncomfortable or embarrassed.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to post helpful responses or perspectives - much appreciated :)

This is really embarrassing but here goes...

I am a 35 year old woman with a phobia of 95% of fruit and vegetables. It’s extremely embarrassing, I hate eating at other people’s houses so much because I really don’t want to put anyone out, and I really don’t want to have to admit this to people. Maybe she has similar issues.

Given what she chose to eat I'd be stunned if there wasn't a food related issue. I'm glad you are finding a way around it. The food you made sounds lovely 😋

YABU to call falafel and moussaka Turkish but sounds an amazing menu and Jane definitely seemed rude, so overall YANBU