Saddened about DH’s response about downsizing

[Vanessatiger]

Basically I haven’t slept well for nearly four years, with two under 4. I manage our quite big house, making sure all my husband’s shirts are ironed (by the housekeeper), beer in the fridge every evening before he comes home.

He’s currently in a different continent to sort out his mother’s will and other legalities (she passed 4 months ago and lived in a different continent). He called me on facetime, we talked a bit and then I said I’m not happy in this big house taking care of the children and then you’re not home. I said I wanted to downsize (something he’s heard before). I said he should support me. He loves this house and wouldn’t consider moving.
Then he told me we can talk seriously when he comes back then I can go and have the life that I want. Basically he thinks we should break up if I am not happy with the way that we live.
I guess I am not.
He assigned me a chaffeur but I told him I don’t want that, so will get rid of him. He thinks there’s little work for me to do since we have a housekeeper cleaning etc. but i think managing people is a full time work per se. I’d like to move to a two beds where I can clean myself. He wouldn’t have it.

I’m utterly unhappy, what should I do?

I don't want to generalise but it seems that a lot of expat wives have "projects" or hobbies, or put great focus on going to the gym or maintaining fitness or studying.
I can understand that because you do need to feel you have drive, be occupied and have something that's for you. You need an identity and a place to be "you" away from just the home.

I also think you want to be appreciated. You're frustrated that you can't be appreciated at home- all chores are done, the children are looked after. I would think seriously about not employing a nanny if you want to care for your children yourself.

All that said, you can't make any of those changes until you are on top of your anxiety, panic attacks and chronic insomnia. I know there's often not a magic cure but you don't mention seeking any help or treatment? It must impact your life enormously and may perhaps be making you see things through a depressed fog.