Saddened about DH’s response about downsizing

[Vanessatiger]

Basically I haven’t slept well for nearly four years, with two under 4. I manage our quite big house, making sure all my husband’s shirts are ironed (by the housekeeper), beer in the fridge every evening before he comes home.

He’s currently in a different continent to sort out his mother’s will and other legalities (she passed 4 months ago and lived in a different continent). He called me on facetime, we talked a bit and then I said I’m not happy in this big house taking care of the children and then you’re not home. I said I wanted to downsize (something he’s heard before). I said he should support me. He loves this house and wouldn’t consider moving.
Then he told me we can talk seriously when he comes back then I can go and have the life that I want. Basically he thinks we should break up if I am not happy with the way that we live.
I guess I am not.
He assigned me a chaffeur but I told him I don’t want that, so will get rid of him. He thinks there’s little work for me to do since we have a housekeeper cleaning etc. but i think managing people is a full time work per se. I’d like to move to a two beds where I can clean myself. He wouldn’t have it.

I’m utterly unhappy, what should I do?

Poor OP. It sounds as if her DH is right and that they do not agree on their preferred lifestyle.

I've worked as a cleaner for a ruddy great house in this country. Perhaps that's skewing my perspective.
It had 7 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, ensuite bathrooms, it was huge. I cleaned it all in a 6 hour slot twice weekly. Then picked up my children went home and cleaned my own house.

If you don't like staff, don't have them. My point was, it's not a necessity like having HCPs or carers in would be.

I'm finding it hard to have much sympathy for a wife that knew what she was getting into when she moved in with a wealthy expat and now a few years down the line is feeling a bit bored and disillusioned.
Welcome to real life.
Everyone feels bored and fed up with their lives at times. The only difference with wealth is that you have the option and ability to change it.

It sounds like you need to move back home.
I admit if I win the lottery I will be hiring a full time cleaner (mines only weekly), housekeeper, chauffeur, chef and gardener. That's a given!
However, I do have empathy for you. To be honest you sound like you've been plonked into a lifestyle and now the novelty has warn off.
How will you manage when th children start full time education? Will they board?

OP setting aside the posts about your lifestyle, you’ve clearly said that being away from your friends and family is making you feel isolated. I think we can all understand that. Are your friends and family in the same country as you or another one? Your DH clearly doesn’t want to “downsize” but is that really the issue here? Would you be happier if you could visit your friends and family more frequently? Is it an option for you and your DH to invest in a second home in the same country/area as your friends and family to enable you to spend more time with them?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties

The only difference with wealth is that you have the option and ability to change it.

What options does the OP have? Put up or get out? Maybe if you'd married better you wouldn't have needed to clean someone else's house 12 hours a week.

I was a single mum at the time but yes I often dreamt about marrying a millionaire.

Maybe if you'd married better you wouldn't have needed to clean someone else's house 12 hours a week

Fucking hell, in that the 1940s calling?

And there we have it. You are projecting your own dream on someone else and are jealous.

The only difference with wealth is that you have the option and ability to change it.

Wealth? The OP can't even open her own bank account where she is living currently...

Fucking hell, in that the 1940s calling?

I was making a point. ILostItInTheEarlyNineties basically said the OP chose this life so she needs to suck it up.

I only dreamt about being a millionaire when I was on my knees scrubbing toilets.
I'd rather not be a wealthy expat with staff but it must have been something OP wanted/ agreed to?

Have your children got passports?If so go for a stay with your family and work out what you want to do.
See a solicitor while your there to see what your options are.

ILost even though she's surrounded by wealth and has what is perceived as a very privileged life, if she can't even have her own bank account and has to ask for money then she really doesn't have freedom and her 'wealth' is worth diddly squat.

I was making a point. ILostItInTheEarlyNineties basically said the OP chose this life so she needs to suck it up.

That's literally the exact opposite of what she said. She said that if you're wealthy, you have options to make changes to your life and to improve your happiness that you don't have if you're poor.

I think that's why it's not as easy to sympathise with OP as it is with some others. She obviously isn't happy and there may be good reasons for that - but when you're wealthy you do have significant more ability to make changes to your life than when you are poor. It would be mad to pretend that privilege doesn't exist.

No not Suck it up but change it.

Get rid of the staff and do it yourself, look after your own children or divorce the husband and make a new life with your divorce settlement, move back to your home country or have a good long think about if you would actually be happier doing those things.

Fair point Slutty.

Managing people is indeed a full time job. YANBU there OP

I manage people all day. Then I drive myself home cook dinner, get children to bed and iron shirts myself.

I just think I don’t like living here away from family and childhood friends

So that's the main problem. How long are you in that country for? Is there any chance you can come home?

If you don't like the staff, get rid of them. (I'd keep the cleaner.)

The sleep - time to sleep train your children. There are lots of books and websites to help you.

What's your relationship like with your husband? Can you talk to him? If not, then you need to decide what you want to do.

I wouldn't live in a country that didn't allow me the basic freedoms of my own bank account or driving license. Why on earth would you? Can you leave this country, I'm assuming you wouldn't have any immigration issues.

They are not her staff to get rid of. Her husband hired them. Does it really sound like the OP has much control over what goes on in her household? She doesn't even have a bank account let alone the funds to hire a shit hot lawyer to get her an amazing divorce settlement.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties basically said the OP chose this life so she needs to suck it up.

No, @Ilost meant that if you have money, you have choices and options.

Maybe if you'd married better you wouldn't have needed to clean someone else's house 12 hours a week.

@Akadas, don't be a bitch.

This has got to be a wind up.

You have a nanny, house keeper and turned down a chauffeur and you are still moaning

make a new life with your divorce settlement

Yeah, because in the Middle East the woman gets finances from her husband in a divorce; shit she probably wouldn't have access to her own children given how fucked up the laws are.

Noting that you said thanks for being given some perspective I would definitely cling on to that - losing sight of how V lucky you are is never good.

Well it all sounds a bit shit..I can imagine being away from family and friends is hard but if you are making new friends, which you seem to be. Hopefully that will improve.

Does your husband give you access to cash? Are your kids in childcare?

Personally if you have a housekeeper I dont see why youd need to do any organising. Just tell her once what you want done and when. Does she do the food shop or do you? Just bulk buy an absolute load of been and ask housekeeper to make sure the fridge is stocked with it.

Are you feeling unfufilled?