Saddened about DH’s response about downsizing

[Vanessatiger]

Basically I haven’t slept well for nearly four years, with two under 4. I manage our quite big house, making sure all my husband’s shirts are ironed (by the housekeeper), beer in the fridge every evening before he comes home.

He’s currently in a different continent to sort out his mother’s will and other legalities (she passed 4 months ago and lived in a different continent). He called me on facetime, we talked a bit and then I said I’m not happy in this big house taking care of the children and then you’re not home. I said I wanted to downsize (something he’s heard before). I said he should support me. He loves this house and wouldn’t consider moving.
Then he told me we can talk seriously when he comes back then I can go and have the life that I want. Basically he thinks we should break up if I am not happy with the way that we live.
I guess I am not.
He assigned me a chaffeur but I told him I don’t want that, so will get rid of him. He thinks there’s little work for me to do since we have a housekeeper cleaning etc. but i think managing people is a full time work per se. I’d like to move to a two beds where I can clean myself. He wouldn’t have it.

I’m utterly unhappy, what should I do?

It was insensitive to bring up stuff like moving house when he's on another continent sorting out his mothers will while grieving.

Why don't you get a job? Even volunteer work? You will be less isolated and if you earn will have some of your own money to save.

Ok then

No concept of reality whatsoever. You other threads are indicative of a very judgmental attitude.

First world problem.

Her husband has left her alone for months in a situation she hates. I can’t believe how insensitive some posters are being.

hang on, I need to find my violin.....

People are mean.

I have no experience of this kind of life, yet if I use my skills of EMPATHY I can maybe see how lonely and unfulfilling it could be. You have a house full of people, but not one of them is friend or family. Constantly having to be on duty. A husband who dismisses your unhappiness. "If you're not happy then you know where the door is..."

If you were one of the poor middle class on here some might think that was controlling/abusive.

Why don't you get a job?

@autumndreaming Perhaps RTFT - it's illegal for the OP to work in the country she is living in.

Having staff is a significant cause of mental health issues

Oh leave off. You could go and relax in the West wing while someone else is cleaning your East wing and looking after your children.

Are you making these mental health statistics up?
The Queen must be heading for a breakdown then.

It takes a special kind of person to complain about having staff. Know your audience OP!

You clearly know absolutely nothing about expatriation issues and the huge MH challenges they present, in particular to spouses/children. Get informed before being so ignorant and spiteful.

@Vanessatiger I have a severely disabled child and for a short period had people in the home providing 12 hours care. I hated it. We needed the support but I found it very intrusive and difficult to have other people in our home. So I understand that.

I think the problem is probably where you live. You sound very isolated. It’s all very well your husband having his high flying career but you sound as if you have little to fill your time with purpose (& if you are in Saudi -no wonder you hate it).

Can you find a way to fill your time with meaning and purpose. I see you are studying? Can you add something else? Volunteering? Painting (I am hopeless at art but find painting very relaxing)? Getting fit? Starting a business? Even if you have to do it all online? Learning to code?

Something that will take you out of your gilded cage and give you the purpose you want.

I initially guffawed at your opening post, but honestly I get it. It does sound miserable, but I would look at how to change it, without walking out (which is the other option) because that won’t be an easy option. Being financially secure does buy you time to try things & look at building something positive into your life. It does give you options.

Indeed, devilishpyjamas. When my sister’s DH was terminally ill she had people (HCPs, SS, relatives) showing up night and day with no notice. The invasion of her personal space was worse than everything else.

Why are you not getting enough sleep? Sorting that out could be a big help to you.
Is it simply that your children wake you in the night?
Or you just don't seem to sleep? If so, it might be caused by tension in your relationship, or depression, or something else so it would be a good idea to see a doctor about it.

Just seen from OP's previous posts that her husband moved abroad away from his sons from a previous relationship and has decided to split his will unequally so his newer kids get more of a share than his older ones.

OP maybe the issue is that your DH is a shit? I thought originally that maybe he had been dismissive of you because you were talking to him at such an insensitive time but it actually seems like he might just be a bully when he doesn't get his own way. Any man who would move away from and partially disinherit his kids from a previous relationship isn't decent. If it's the case that he's always difficult when he doesn't get his own way I can see how that would be very isolating.

If you do end up separating, given his previous form I would take legal advice about how you best protect the interests of your children.

I'm still not seeing the invasion of personal space when we're talking about an expat living in a huge house with a housekeeper. It's such a minor inconvenience.

That can't compare to having lots of care professionals and relatives in and out at all hours tending to a chronically ill family member.

Having a nanny is a choice. OP could look after her own children and in fact that might give her the purpose and fulfillment she craves.

Do you think you're muddling your issues here a little? Surely the thing that's actually making you unhappy is that you're away from home, friends and family, you're lonely. Add to that the country you're in (from your posts I'm guessing female = 2nd class citizen so work isn't an option and most women are supposed to do lunch, supervise the nanny and enjoy the wealth) so your life is actually quite boring.

If I'm wrong I apologise, but I would look at if it's the house, the lifestyle or the loneliness that is the actual problem and make plans to fix it - then discuss it with your DH face to face when he's home.

Perhaps look for a new housekeeper, one that will take a bit more of the stress from you as clearly the one you have isn't pulling her weight

ILostIt - we’ve already established that you haven’t got a clue about this issue.

I'm still not seeing the invasion of personal space when we're talking about an expat living in a huge house with a housekeeper. It's such a minor inconvenience.

Yeah, you clearly don't get it then. A home is a home, and some people don't find they like people in their home. It's really simple. And, no, it's not minor when it happens that way.

Having a nanny is a choice. Yep, because the OP got a lot of choice regarding the chauffer by the sounds of it.

Apologies for spelling

I'm sorry but it's the HouseKeeper's fault that OP isn't happy? Is that what people are saying here?

He (dh) thinks we should break up if I'm not happy..I'm guess I'm not
Perhaps focus on that.

Hello,

We can see there's been a spate of troll hunting on this thread so we've had a good look backstage and are posting to say that we can't see any major cause for concern here. (as far as we can ever tell).

Yes, the OP's lifestyle is certainly a little different to most but she's said she's not in the UK and we've no reason to doubt that. We'd therefore be grateful if everyone could lay off with the troll hunting.

Ha Racecar best x-post ever

@Vanessatiger which country are you in?
I can’t eve legally get a bank account or my own car