Saddened about DH’s response about downsizing

[Vanessatiger]

Basically I haven’t slept well for nearly four years, with two under 4. I manage our quite big house, making sure all my husband’s shirts are ironed (by the housekeeper), beer in the fridge every evening before he comes home.

He’s currently in a different continent to sort out his mother’s will and other legalities (she passed 4 months ago and lived in a different continent). He called me on facetime, we talked a bit and then I said I’m not happy in this big house taking care of the children and then you’re not home. I said I wanted to downsize (something he’s heard before). I said he should support me. He loves this house and wouldn’t consider moving.
Then he told me we can talk seriously when he comes back then I can go and have the life that I want. Basically he thinks we should break up if I am not happy with the way that we live.
I guess I am not.
He assigned me a chaffeur but I told him I don’t want that, so will get rid of him. He thinks there’s little work for me to do since we have a housekeeper cleaning etc. but i think managing people is a full time work per se. I’d like to move to a two beds where I can clean myself. He wouldn’t have it.

I’m utterly unhappy, what should I do?

If you are living as an expat then it can be hard. I am, although I look after my family by myself.

You need to stop taking all the help your family has for granted and use it. Manage your household as if it was a full time job. Because everyone has to do some kind of work.

I have no idea why you are sleep deprived - it's not from over work. Use the help you have.

Join groups. Take up hobbies. Get fit. Spend time with your children 'making memories' if that's what you are in to. Don't nag your husband over FacetTime - so unproductive.

Have you considered volunteering? Do anything to build your own life. Use the support you have to allow you to take trips back home to your family - even having something to look forward to can make a difference to our moods and attitude. Or travel nearby. Become independent.

The size of your house is not the problem. It's your attitude. This is an opportunity, not a prison sentence.

OP, you've had unsympathetic posts due to the title of your thread and your initial post. Your issue isn't really about downsizing. It's much more than that. Are you saying that you would prefer to return to live in the UK / your home country?

sounds awful

I grew up as the child of an expat family with gardener / housekeeper etc. Did my mother mope around telling people to iron shirts? She did not. She got a full time job and joined about 3 different clubs and set up an expat network to help newbies meet people and learn their way about town.

Maybe these aren't all options for OP, so I can see how she would be bored and miserable if she has literally nothing to do except manage her housekeeper. But she didn't say she was lonely or miserable or bored. She said she struggled with the workload and wants to move to a smaller house she can clean herself.

OP it sounds like you don't really know what your problem is - but it seems clear that it's not really the size of your house. Is it homesickness or boredom or loneliness? Once you've identified what's really eating you you can try and have that discussion with your DH (but not when he's dealing with the loss of his mother and the management of her estate FGS). If he is really unable to understand your unhappiness (once you yourself know what it is about) or compromise on what you want, you may well be better off separating.

Why assume the problem is not the size of the house? It’s a bog standard expat life issue.

In this day and age you don't have to be held hostage by your husband in an enormous gilded cage with staff, looking forlornly out of the window.
With wealth comes options.

Will your chauffeur drive you to the airport? Fly home and see your family if that's what you're missing.
What will buying a small house achieve?

It sounds as though you have a busy social life where you are- meeting up with friends or your husband for lunch most days.

Also, it would really fuck me off if my husband "assigned" me any domestic staff... I would want to be part of choosing them if I had to have them

Op are u in the middle east?

The demographic here is mostly British women sooo youre most likely going to get a few raised eyebrows. The life style youre complainng off is something most of us could only dream off. Sounds like you are perhaps having marital issues as if your husband could just mention seperating and not taking on your concerns sounds slightly worrying. He has had a major traumatic event losing his mother so talking in person at a later time night be better.
You do need to busy your time more with things that will give you some meaning, work if you can if not volunteer with some charities. Get some more skills college, or olnline courses. Start a business from home if you can. Once you start working youl soon appreciate your housekeeper and chauffeur.

You didn't really call your husband when he was away dealing with his mother's estate and tell him you wanted to live in a two bed and do your own cleaning did you?

No one is that self absorbed.

I think your DH needs to hire a more professional and better housecleaner who you don't have to 'manage'. Sort out the Nanny situation so you have sleep. Be involved in hiring a chauffeur who you like (you need one if you can't drive yourself so would be more debilitating not to have one. And hire a chef.

Then FaceTime your friends and family and arrange frequent trips to them and them to you

Choose an online study group or hobby and immerse yourself in that. You may find it provides the stimulation you are missing.

Volunteer if you are in a developing country to make others lives better.

Embrace the expat life in the developing country you are currently in. Or leave and move back to your home country.

There are a lot of very insensitive posts. Just because some women dream of being relieved of cleaning their own home does not mean all women do.

Where will your stepchildren stay then? When they come and visit? In a Wendy house in the garden?

I can't imagine what it must be like to not be allowed a driving license or to get a job. I couldn't have made the decision to move to somewhere like that and give up the proximity to friends and family.

I think I'd have to start drawing up a list of options with pros and cons to each.

Ok, the clarification that you’re in Saudi/similar helps put your issues in context - you really should have given that as essential background in your first post and you would have probably found more sympathetic ears. Dh and I discussed the employment possibilities (for him) out there but came to the conclusion that for the wife, unless you want a life of vacuous shopping (which believe it or no lots of us don’t!) it’s not exactly a fulfilling existence.

I don't think the issue is the house I think it's your independence

Tbh, OP, I wouldn't swap my two bed rented house near family and friends for the life you are describing.

Would your husband consider moving back, or allow you to take the children if you decided you couldn't cope with the ex-pat life?

And cuttingthegrass’ advice is spot on.

It really isn’t. Having «staff» (strangers in your personal domestic sphere) is a significant cause of MH issues.

Aha. It's not about the stress of managing the staff, it's about being bored, lonely, isolated and frustrated. That I understand.

DH and I effectively gave up career potential, and moved from a 3 bed house with garden to a 2 bed flat and less promising jobs, but we're very close to friends and family. No staff, but a 2 bed flat is very easy to maintain. We are both much happier now.

I have a friend about to do similar, she's walking away from her marriage and her stellar career, and moving into a modest flat but she'll have friends and family minutes away.

I know next nothing about whatever country you're in, is it possible that you're just not going to be happy there whatever? Could you spend extended periods in your country of origin without splitting up with your DH? Could you both re-locate somewhere you could have more freedom?

A lot of insensitive posts

It's pretty insensitive to bleat on about managing staff being "full time work" and being tired with 2 children when you have a housekeeper, cleaner and nanny. Come on!
Your days are mainly spent meeting for coffees with friends, lunches, going to classes.

The grass isn't greener on the other side.

Why don't you take the kids and go home for a few months to visit.

Your marriage is dead if your husband is unwilling to move from one expat temporary home to another.

I assume you don't own the house?

It’s not insensitive to complain about it - it’s a vile lifestyle. And the OP had it wished upon her.