Saddened about DH’s response about downsizing

[Vanessatiger]

Basically I haven’t slept well for nearly four years, with two under 4. I manage our quite big house, making sure all my husband’s shirts are ironed (by the housekeeper), beer in the fridge every evening before he comes home.

He’s currently in a different continent to sort out his mother’s will and other legalities (she passed 4 months ago and lived in a different continent). He called me on facetime, we talked a bit and then I said I’m not happy in this big house taking care of the children and then you’re not home. I said I wanted to downsize (something he’s heard before). I said he should support me. He loves this house and wouldn’t consider moving.
Then he told me we can talk seriously when he comes back then I can go and have the life that I want. Basically he thinks we should break up if I am not happy with the way that we live.
I guess I am not.
He assigned me a chaffeur but I told him I don’t want that, so will get rid of him. He thinks there’s little work for me to do since we have a housekeeper cleaning etc. but i think managing people is a full time work per se. I’d like to move to a two beds where I can clean myself. He wouldn’t have it.

I’m utterly unhappy, what should I do?

Maybe it is not the right time to talk about these things when is Mom just passed 4 months ago. I think you should wait a bit. It can make him upset to bring this up in this time of life.

Some of the responses are a little rude. Money can allow choices but doesn't guarantee happiness...

If the op is genuine then there's a chance she is from a different culture and just because she's living a privelidged life doesn't mean she doesn't need support.

Simply stating get a job may not be so easy if there are cultural reasons why she can't.

That said I still stand by my original comment that such a heavy conversation was ill timed when he's probably grieving and stressed sorting out an estate on another continent.

Your first mistake is not having a chef

@Vanessatiger I don't think it's a fake post - I realised you either weren't British living in the UK or were an expat.

Honestly, expat life can be hard and isolating (and can often feel very false).

Hmm. Well making the huge jump to believing the thread - I think there are two problems here.

The first is that you don't seem to have much of a relationship or bond with your DH if you are both prepared to split up rather than reach a compromise on what house you live in. If brick and mortar are more important to either or both of you, there can't be much love and respect there.

Secondly, you are probably bored. You sound isolated with very little to do. So maybe think about actually doing something meaninful, yourself.

Surely a 2 bed with no staff or support in a developing country is really not going to be great? It sounds like that would be even more isolating.

I don’t like living here away from family and childhood friends

Well moving into a small house and doing your own cleaning isn't going to solve that problem is it? If this is the issue, this is what you need to address.

You sound bored and unfulfilled. Get a job, it will be the making of you!

Thanks for giving me perspective

Another calling swapsies?!!!!

FFS Typos akimbo...

Well moving into a small house and doing your own cleaning isn't going to solve that problem is it? If this is the issue, this is what you need to address.

It may do, if the two bedroom house is closer to family and friends and what would be achievable on a salary back in their home country without expat perks...

OP Do you have a work visa, can you even legally work in the country you are resident in?

I also think you should seriously consider whether it was fair to have this very serious conversation with your DH over FaceTime when he's in another county dealing with an estate following the recent loss of his mother...

No I can’t eve legally get a bank account or my own car!!

I don't think anyone would have considered it to be a fake thread if you had mentioned the homesickness in the first post. Instead you chose to whinge about having to stock a beer fridge and micromanage staff to iron shirts, its no wonder you got the replies you did .

I don't think anyone would have considered it to be a fake thread if you had mentioned the homesickness in the first post. Instead you chose to whinge about having to stock a beer fridge and micromanage staff to iron shirts, its no wonder you got the replies you did

Exactly!!!

I agree that supervising a housekeeper and chauffeur and looking after two children isn't full-time job

However, anyone can suffer from poor mental health/depression, including people who live in affluent and comfortable circumstances

OP - I think your timing is not good. If your husband has just lost his mother and is overseas sorting out her estate, this isn't the time to be having big discussions about the future of your relationship. Better to wait until he gets home, things settle down a bit and then you can talk face-to-face

It really is perfectly normal to dislike living in a large home that requires staff and to prefer a smaller home where you retain your privacy and personal space.

Men who are out at work all day often cannot understand why their wives dislike being assigned the role of manager of a 5* hotel.

I agree with Rabbits, I grew up as an expat and remember my parents talking about "trailing wives" and how sad and lonely many of them were away from family and friends and the wasted potential of one in particular who was an amazing musician, could have had a wonderful career and hated her cushy life abroad supporting her husband and managing domestic staff which she found really uncomfortable and difficult.

OP I think you really need to consider going back to work, whether paid or unpaid - do you have a career that you put on hold? Start a business? I know you do activities and meet friends, but can you not use the domestic support you have to throw yourself into something where you are valued for your skills and abilities, not just your husband's +1 and domestic manager. It's brilliant you are learning the local language, how is that going?

". I just think I don’t like living here away from family and childhood friends. "

How will downsizing & cleaning solve that?

Crikey are you in Saudi ?

Of course living in a gilded cage would be awful. Of course you would want to do the things women have always done - ie control their own domestic space....

I suggest reading some Ibsen.

If the OP is feeling homesick, having her space invaded by staff will just make that worse.

@Vanessatiger Well that's the job idea out of the window then isn't it?!

Ps. hopefully your husband has you on his joint bank account and you are not stuck there with access to money issues.

Honestly, I think I would make a list (I love lists), of the things that could make it better, then sort out which are achievable and then talk to your husband when he comes home face-to-face and work out a plan.

Does he know how miserable you are there?

I wouldn't want to live like that. Having a cleaner is one thing but not an army of staff always in your house and a husband that expects to be treated like he's in the VIP section of an exclusive club.

Can you not get a house manager to manage the staff?

And then when managing the house manager becomes too much, get a senior house manager to manage the house manager? Eventually, you’ll become CEO of the house!