Saddened about DH’s response about downsizing

[Vanessatiger]

Basically I haven’t slept well for nearly four years, with two under 4. I manage our quite big house, making sure all my husband’s shirts are ironed (by the housekeeper), beer in the fridge every evening before he comes home.

He’s currently in a different continent to sort out his mother’s will and other legalities (she passed 4 months ago and lived in a different continent). He called me on facetime, we talked a bit and then I said I’m not happy in this big house taking care of the children and then you’re not home. I said I wanted to downsize (something he’s heard before). I said he should support me. He loves this house and wouldn’t consider moving.
Then he told me we can talk seriously when he comes back then I can go and have the life that I want. Basically he thinks we should break up if I am not happy with the way that we live.
I guess I am not.
He assigned me a chaffeur but I told him I don’t want that, so will get rid of him. He thinks there’s little work for me to do since we have a housekeeper cleaning etc. but i think managing people is a full time work per se. I’d like to move to a two beds where I can clean myself. He wouldn’t have it.

I’m utterly unhappy, what should I do?

Go out and get a job. You'd meet people, be happier and have some purpose in life. If you have all those domestic staff, with, presumably, experience and references, they should be able to run a household without being micromanaged. If not, change your staff.

Op, I have a solution. When I win the lottery I intend to employ a fuck load of staff and complain of the stress and here I am, sat in a small house that needs tidying.

I'm thinking we can come to an arrangement.

@Elementtree I'm creased!

I'm assuming you aren't British due to some of the language of your post, and potentially come from a background where domestic staff is normal.

I'd say your life is pretty isolating right now if all you feel you do is manage staff and look after your children, particularly if you do so on broken sleep.

There are some good self-help sleep websites available with a range of tips you may want to try. It's important to get outside and exercise (even lightly) each day and to keep to a routine at bedtime.

Maybe you could see if there is a local charity you could volunteer with, or a parenting group you could join in the local area? Do you have any hobbies?

A good housekeeper should need little management and should be perfectly capable of managing a cook/cleaner. There is nothing to stop you cooking, or cleaning, or gardening should you wish to. Or you could swap the chauffeur for a nanny and get a job, which will give you more options shoukd you split up.

When you speak to your dh maybe a bit more compromise? A slightly smaller house with less staff perhaps?

But mostly, get a job!

Utterly unhappy? I’m not sure you even know what unhappiness is tbh, diamond shoes are abut tight well 🤷🏻‍♀️

You have a house keeper and chaffeur and no doubt a nanny so what do you do all day? I have a novel idea how about you go out to work? could be your just lacking a role in life

Yes you are being unreasonable I wouldn’t leave my lovely house in a million years if dh wanted to downsize so he could clean himself 😂

Worth thinking about Elementree’s offer!

In the OP’s defence... we all have different lifestyles, I’m sure she has pressures that we might not appreciate.

Also having a chauffeur would be a big no no for me. Watch handmaids tale if you don’t believe me. It gives you NO privacy whatsoever. And I fooking love driving myself all over the place!

Ditto cleaner/nanny - I imagine OP would rather live a simpler life with more time with kids, less pressure and more privacy a.m. right OP?

Agree this isn’t the time to raise it though.

I think you need a hobby or a job. I also think you need to spend time in the real world and realise how the rest of us live.

Quick search shows the OP has been around for quite some time. I had a quick scan on some of them. I found them "interesting".

Your first mistake is not having a chef. I felt far less pressured when meals were dealt with. I'd also suggest getting a private masseuse each day (although I'm not sure of your budget as it sounds like you only have one housekeeper 😬) or at least every other day to unwind and reduce stress.
PLEASE tell me you have a couple in nannies at least... otherwise I have no idea how you COPE.

Is this a humble brag? 🤣

we all have different lifestyles, I’m sure she has pressures that we might not appreciate.

I really doubt she does have pressures, she might think so but how can someone who has a cleaner, housekeeper, nanny and chauffer be pressured. It doesn't sound like she has a jobs so she certainly could be lack purpose but that doesn't mean her life is difficult. No one is forcing her to be driven around, if she wants to cook, clean and drive herself nobody is stopping her.

If you are unhappy maybe you should talk seriously to your DH about living separately when he returns?

Do you think you would be happier in a smaller house without him?

2 beds isn't a lot for a family of 4.

You do sound spoiled, sorry. I expect this is a wind up but if not I'm confident that you would learn pretty fast that actually cleaning / ironing / driving etc is harder than managing others who do those things for you.

I think this is likely a fake post, however.

Moving to a smaller house and doing all the housework and ironing yourself won't make you happier believe me

How will that solve your sleep problems with your 2 young children anyway?

A chauffeur would be useful for me, please send him my way. It's almost impossible to find a parking space in our local Sainsbury's.

Op, I have a solution. When I win the lottery I intend to employ a fuck load of staff and complain of the stress and here I am, sat in a small house that needs tidying.

I'm thinking we can come to an arrangement.

Oh this is one of my great regrets in life that I didn't come up with this offer first!

I go to two playgroups per week. I meet up friends to have coffee twice a week. Lunch with my husband twice a week.
I’m learning the local language (we are expats in a developing country). I have loads of activities. I just think I don’t like living here away from family and childhood friends. It’s hard even if I have a seemingly “cushy” life.

I believe you. You would not be unusual where I live.

What I see here are women who feel like their only role is to accessorise their husbands.

They provide an image of a lifestyle for the husband: nice family, big house in the country, long hours at work, hobbies (esp. cycling/golf) taking up weekends, travel abroad for work at the drop of a hat, etc.

Except the man isn't living the home life, the woman is. He's got the instagram version of it.

Typically the woman feels that this isn't what she signed up for. She thought she was getting a partnership, that's how it started, but somehow it has morphed into her life being as an accessory. Typically she had a bright career in front of her at one time, is smart, can organise but now that's all used for serving a man.

To make it worse because you have all these nice things you feel guilty for complaining. You will be told you are ungrateful, like on here because so many people dream of those nice things but will never get them.

I know several who have divorced, live in a normal 3 bed semi and have a normal job with fewer nice things, and are happy, really happy, because they have their own life now. (All of them still have a cleaner though!)

You should definitely read The Happiness Trap

Interesting you’d think this is a fake post

I just think I don’t like living here away from family and childhood friends

This is probably the route of the problem, how long are you living there for, do you know?

Is there anything you can do where you would feel you may be contributing more - you said a developing country so there must be some good volunteering roles around? I find I can get down if I don't think I am contributing meaningfully.

Can you talk to your staff and explain they need to start to self manage themselves more and it shouldnt be down to you to micromanage them?

Hahaha hahahahaha hahahahahaha

I just think I don’t like living here away from family and childhood friends.

Then you need to seriously consider if you need to split up and move back to where your friends and family are. Moving into a smaller house and moaning about overseeing staff is not going to solve the problem of homesickness.