Saddened about DH’s response about downsizing

[Vanessatiger]

Basically I haven’t slept well for nearly four years, with two under 4. I manage our quite big house, making sure all my husband’s shirts are ironed (by the housekeeper), beer in the fridge every evening before he comes home.

He’s currently in a different continent to sort out his mother’s will and other legalities (she passed 4 months ago and lived in a different continent). He called me on facetime, we talked a bit and then I said I’m not happy in this big house taking care of the children and then you’re not home. I said I wanted to downsize (something he’s heard before). I said he should support me. He loves this house and wouldn’t consider moving.
Then he told me we can talk seriously when he comes back then I can go and have the life that I want. Basically he thinks we should break up if I am not happy with the way that we live.
I guess I am not.
He assigned me a chaffeur but I told him I don’t want that, so will get rid of him. He thinks there’s little work for me to do since we have a housekeeper cleaning etc. but i think managing people is a full time work per se. I’d like to move to a two beds where I can clean myself. He wouldn’t have it.

I’m utterly unhappy, what should I do?

OP, maybe think about getting a job outside the house? Because seriously, I think your life sounds awful and very empty. You need something that's going to help you find your self-esteem again, and I can't see how downsizing would actually help that.

Can the house be divided (mentally at least) into public/private areas? So your bedrooms, bathroom, a sitting/play room for you and the children and maybe a study for you would be "your" space - you clean it and the staff should not enter. That might give you a bit more privacy and a chance to relax.

And is it possible for you to work/volunteer where you are, even if only for 1 morning a week? I know you don't want to leave your children but I do think some independence from them/the house/the daily routine would be key to better self-esteem. Something that you don't need your husband's permission to do.

OP, I understand completely where you're coming from. Please don't worry about the responses on here. If you talk about housekeepers etc on MN you will get this kind of reaction and be called a troll because most people can't relate to it (which is understandable).

I have been where you are and it can feel very isolating and unreal. Of course you don't actually want to live in a 2 bed flat with 2 DC - what you are saying is that you want a more simple life - a life that you're in control of.

My husband is also extremely work driven and I'm having therapy at the moment which is helping me realise how I've become an accessory to him and his agenda over the years. Sounds like you're at a similar point?

I often don't sleep to well either in a large house when he's away and it's because of anxiety fuelled by loneliness. You can get very paranoid if you're not careful.

I think all you can do at present is find a few things that you really live to do and focus on that. Focus on the fact that you have all the time in the world to spend with your DC because many people don't have this opportunity. In other words, make a point of focusing on all the positives and make them count. Try and meet new people, read and value your health. This is what I do because I would hate to look back with regrets.

My DH is not an easy man, but he is good and he's fair. Can you say the same of yours? Do you feel loved? Is there any way of accessing therapy in the country your residing in.

It sounds like you're crying out for help. The housekeeper etc are not the issue at all here. Hopefully your DH can hear you. Therapy helped me in communicating how I felt to DH. I think you may need support because it's not easy.

What exactly does your husband bring to your life that you, as opposed to he, choose and wish for? It sounds like a very one sided relationship.

Vanessa your last post is more enlightening of your situation. I apologise for making glib comments, I really couldn't understand your issues.
I expect your dh doesn't either, he simply hears that you want to move or you complaining that you can't own a car and comes up with a solution (in his eyes) of a chauffeur. He's not getting it or he's unwilling to compromise?

He has said he will talk things through with you on his return. Now's the chance to be honest with him. Be honest with yourself too though.

Have you always felt like this or is your lifestyle something you both wanted and now something's changed for you?
If you felt coerced by him and forced into a life you didn't want then that's a reason to split in my mind. He has no respect for you. Is he forcing you to employ a nanny? I don't understand why you have one if you want to undertake all the childcare.

I still think you're confused about what you do want. A symptom of anxiety and depression can be a feeling of wanting to run away and not be around people, hence wanting to move to a small house and not have to deal with people.
You then say you feel isolated. You would be more isolated in a smaller house. You can't escape those mental health issues.

Do you have access to health care and are you receiving treatment for your anxiety/panic attacks? That would be a first step or perhaps counselling to unpick some of your feelings.

I spent 3 years in a flat overlooking a historic harbour, from the outside to others I had so much.

In reality to begin with I wasn't allowed out, (longest stint was almost 3 months indoors, without leaving the apartment) In the end 'outdoors' was so intimidating i CHOSE not to go out. I developed agoraphobia. I abused cannabis to help me sleep and avoid my abusive ex. I know of others who bought sleeping tablets from the pharmacy.

Ask any local who spectated the circus that was the bi-weekly hypermarket shop, with 2 trollies piled high and the Ex paying over thousands for sympathy and they would have thought I was mad. It's all relative.

My best friend when I was there was oxbridge educated, had everything I had and more in terms of lifestyle, car, credit card, cleaners etc. her H wasn't like mine either, much more supportive. Was she happy? NO. She wasn't happy there any more than I was. It's not about what you have, it's who you are and how cared for/valued/appreciated/fulfilled you are.

VanessaTiger Perhaps you should not have raised this when you did, after all, what can he do about it from where he is. He likely has a different perspective on life given that his mother has just died.

It's not to say you don't have a point, but you might very well be overreacting due to the powerlessness you feel. Kneejerk reaction, a rejection of strangers in your home, the responsibility that comes with them, the never being off-duty because of them, AND insomnia AND Kids to raise. I don't blame you, I know the desperation of an unfulfilled life, of being trapped.

Men are fixers, we voice our concerns, they think it's their job to do something about it and fix it, if it's emotional etc, many men can't compute, so they shut down - This is what I think your H has done, he's overwhelmed with the DM will thing and rightfully or wrongfully you have given him one more problem he can't just throw money at.

Let the dust settle, talk to us in the meantime, we can point you in the direction of a quieter place on here if you prefer to shed those who have no clue when it comes to support.

You can take off your busy weekly list “lunching with hubby”. Am sure when you seperate he won’t be doing that!!!!

OP, I've been an expat too (in an Asian country).

Without meaning to generalise (cue massive generalisation!), being an expat in a developing country often means having an extremely high salary, beyond the reach of most local people. This means living in a very luxurious way, often with staff, housekeepers, chauffeurs, nannies etc, to which you wouldn't normally be accustomed, and there is a definite culture of keeping up with the other expat Joneses.

Maybe that's why your DH doesn't want to give up the big house and staff? It's what's expected, by both expats and locals (provides employment) and his image would be affected if you were to "go local".

Anyhow he ought to respect your wishes and feelings if you are unhappy...otherwise what's the point of living that way? You need to talk to him properly, face to face.

I couldn't stick the expat life btw, it was far too artificial and all about status, which I didn't like.

Isn't there an expat community on here? You could try the Living Overseas topic to find some like minded people who would understand your situation better?

You have to take the Hague Convention in to consideration when giving advice to just leave. Normally you cannot remove children from their habitual country of residence.

It mostly sounds like you are lonely. It sounds like there is enough money for someone else to be managing everything for you if sitting at home managing things is making you miserable and you could go and do something else instead. Or does your DH not want you to do something else?

You just sound bored out of your nut OP get a job or a hobby

It sounds terribly lonely. I am sorry. Can you go back to your original country?

I get it OP. I’d hate your lifestyle.

But then I wouldn’t have agreed to live in the ME in the first place. I won’t even visit.

I think you need to work out what you really want in order of priority. Friends so you can get out more? More privacy? Staff that only come in for set limited hours maybe?

Aye right!!

You need something interesting to do for yourself. There’s some great on-line educational courses, lots of free ones to try out and maybe go for something more in-depth later. Or write a book/take up painting or sculpture or pottery or photography or a musical instrument.

You need to employ a P.A they will deal with your staff so you do not need the daily problem of communication with them.

Thank you for all the kind responses (I tend to ignore the nasty ones).
I do realise I sound pretty pathetic complaining about living in a big house with too many staff. I apologised to my DH for being insensitive. But at the same time he’s never really been any support to me, it always has to be me supporting him. :(
I feel neglected and lonely in this marriage and unfulfilled. I tried to talk to him but he’s quite unwilling to change. I think a divorce with two small children may be a bit drastic but I have thought about it often (3-4 times per week). I just wish it had the courage.

I think the Living Abroad section would be a good place for you to look to get some more support

I never posted when living abroad, nobody would have understood my issues, and from there I was powerless to do anything to improve things

Could you come home for a visit? get a break from your day to day and get some perspective? How long is your DH due to be away?

Ultimately you need to think that if there is no chance of the OH accommodating your issues, YOU will have to change the status quo, either by finding things to do that make life bearable or by getting legal advice and seeing what your options would be if you were to end the marriage.

Knowledge is power and if you know what all the scenarios entail, it may help you find the path that is right for you.

It sounds like you're unhappy and a bit lonely.

Do you have many friends? Do you stay in touch with your family? To me it seems you're trying to get your DH's attention.

Could you get a hobby, or get involved with charity work or something? I imagine that stuck in a big house just telling people to do this and that would be quite unfulfilling.

If you're feeling constantly listless and unmotivated maybe go and see your GP.

It sounds suffocating and lonely.
Could you enrol on an online course? Something you'll enjoy but that would also stretch you. For instance photography is always useful - perhaps you could aim to be at professional level by the time you come back.

I think charity too.
You’ve got nothing outside yourself.
I am serious about reading Ibsen btw

Are you in Jakarta?

@speakingwoman Please can you explain why reading Ibsen would help to me?

Cos the OP is living the life of an Ibsen character. Material comforts but no purpose.
She’s in a doll’s house.