Saddened about DH’s response about downsizing

[Vanessatiger]

Basically I haven’t slept well for nearly four years, with two under 4. I manage our quite big house, making sure all my husband’s shirts are ironed (by the housekeeper), beer in the fridge every evening before he comes home.

He’s currently in a different continent to sort out his mother’s will and other legalities (she passed 4 months ago and lived in a different continent). He called me on facetime, we talked a bit and then I said I’m not happy in this big house taking care of the children and then you’re not home. I said I wanted to downsize (something he’s heard before). I said he should support me. He loves this house and wouldn’t consider moving.
Then he told me we can talk seriously when he comes back then I can go and have the life that I want. Basically he thinks we should break up if I am not happy with the way that we live.
I guess I am not.
He assigned me a chaffeur but I told him I don’t want that, so will get rid of him. He thinks there’s little work for me to do since we have a housekeeper cleaning etc. but i think managing people is a full time work per se. I’d like to move to a two beds where I can clean myself. He wouldn’t have it.

I’m utterly unhappy, what should I do?

I don't know Yes maybe OP is in an unhappy relationship with a husband that controls her emotionally and financially.
I don't quite grasp why a bank account isn't possible.

elephantscanring

ILost said "I'm finding it hard to have much sympathy for a wife that knew what she was getting into when she moved in with a wealthy expat"

How is that not saying the OP chose her life? And how is that different to me saying ILost chose hers?

OP hasn't actually confirmed she's in the Middle East and in any case as she's an expat her divorce would be handled in her country of origin

Get a divorce and go back to enjoying your independence.

when you're wealthy you do have significant more ability to make changes to your life than when you are poor

In this instance OP's options are all pretty shit. Carry on or end marriage. And even with ending the marriage, how? With no access to money, barred from getting a job, possibly not allowed to move back home unless she lives her kids behind. In the country she lives in we have no idea if she would be entitled to any marital assets or if her "D"H would be forced to pay maintenance. In this context, her wealth is worth naff all to her.

Even without the practicalities, walking away from someone you love because your/their lifestyle makes you unhappy isn't easy.

as she's an expat her divorce would be handled in her country of origin

I didn't know that - and I'm surprised. My comment about leaving the kids behind stands though.

But my aunt and her husband lived in a myriad of developing countries for his work and the whole live-in driver and live-in housekeeper was part of the deal. My aunt loved it.

I would hate it.

I don't think your husband is the issue but your lifestyle.

I don't have a cleaner for the reason that I hate managing people. I hate delegating. I hate having someone cleaning 'around' me or my having to coordinate 'leaving the house' so a cleaner can come in. I would never do well with a child-minder/ au pair for the same reasons.

It's not them.
It's me.

I only want family in my home.
I want to do it myself- I have Little Red Hen-itis and I have no problem with this.

How long will you be living in the country you're in right now?
Do you think a few weeks visiting friends and family at 'home' with the kids (without DH) will help?
It sounds like you're tired (I well understand this), you're bored (this too is understandable), and lonely. Down-sizing isn't the answer.
But I think setting a goal with your DH towards have a less nomadic life might be the solution.

Excuse my language outburst but.....

How the fuckity fuck is she lucky if she has no autonomy?

Oops! I deleted the first part of my thread! It doesn't matter. The crux of my point is in the remaining part.

Excuse my typos!

as she's an expat her divorce would be handled in her country of origin

No it wouldn't. A man is free to get a divorce in the Middle East (as the example) regardless of what country of origin he is from, many expats do this as it's more favourable for them to do so.

Very few countries in the world don't allow women to open their own bank accounts, I'd be very surprised that a woman would be given a fair divorce in a country that doesn't allow her to do so.

I have so many teacher friends that move to the Middle East. For the first two years they post frequent pictures of the weather forecast and themselves hanging out by the pool. They live like Kings. By the third year most have moved home because they can no longer just ignore the oppression of women and disregard for human rights (stoning, FFS?).

I would say give DH some time to grieve, but you may need to consider moving back home. Perhaps it was grief but if not and you both do discuss breaking up so easily, it just doesn't seem like it's a strong enough relationship for you to continue this way without you mh being affected. Sorry.

The crux of it seems to be that OP needs to articulate why and if she is genuinely unhappy. All that's really been said is that she finds it full time work to manage a housekeeper and doesn't want a chauffeur.

And then left the thread leaving everyone to speculate.

And then left the thread leaving everyone to speculate.

She also said (in subsequent posts) that she didn't like living away from family and friends and that she isn't allowed to get a job or have a bank account. That isn't speculation, that is what her posts say.

If you have a really good housekeeper she will be able to manage the other staff and ensure there are beers in the fridge for when your husband comes home. You can then spend the entire day doing whatever your little heart desires. I suggest you get a really good housekeeper or allow your current housekeeper to do what you need her to do. As an aside - as a full time working mother I managed to do most of the decision making, housekeeping, shopping, washing, ironing, tidying, childcare, chauffeuring around, decorating, banking, accounting etc. with help from my husband and (believe it or not) no staff to help me, plus of course also managing to do my full time job and some additional study and to get promoted. And there are many many other women like me. I think perhaps you need to do a little more and then you would be happier. Not necessarily housework, but something interesting (and hopefully useful) to keep yourself busy. You might find it makes you happier.

Your dh is bereaved and you are worried about moving house? Sorry but that's sounding a tad selfish to me. Can you not give a few months?

Soon we'll find out that your Lamborghini doesn't have cup-holders.

No it wouldn't. A man is free to get a divorce in the Middle East (as the example) regardless of what country of origin he is from, many expats do this as it's more favourable for them to do so.

Apologies, I expressed myself badly. I meant that if OP is instigating a divorce she's not likely to choose to do so in a country which would be unfavourable to her when she could instigate proceedings in her country of origin (assuming it would be in her interests to do so).

Given that OP's husband left his kids from his previous relationship and doesn't see them any more I don't think he would fight her for custody over these ones! So she could probably leave with the kids and start over if she wanted to.

There's a lot of speculation on this thread - we don't know which county OP is in or that she has no access to money. Everyone seems to be assuming Middle East but I wouldn't call most ME countries 'developing' as OP does. We don't know that she doesn't have free access to her husband's bank account, or a bank account in her country of origin. Her husband sounds like a bit of an arse though.

That fact she cant drive or doesnt have a bank account does not mean other women in this country arent able to access these things. Perhaps because of her legal status (ops probably on a spousal visa) which may limit what benefits she can get.

God there are some awfully rude people here at times!

Never heard of the expression Golden Cage?

I have lived in one (agreed more of a cage than the aviary the OP lives in) but the damage that life did to me is still present somehow.

Kate Spade took her life this week. A woman with a family, freedom, money, all the success she worked so hard to achieve, but it wasn't enough to bring her contentment.

You might not understand what it's like to live the life the OP lives, but this is a lonely woman who is struggling and needs to feel she matters.

Get the nanny to work a nighshift so you can sleep well.

This is a definite first world problem.

Thanks Hissy.
I’m indeed unhappy and I hate to express it to my husband. I have low self esteem.

You’re right, my life is unfulfilled.
I take care of the children at night, but I have insomnia problems. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. I don’t want so many people around me. If we still stayed in this big house and got rid of all the staff, I wouldn’t be able to clean it properly the way my husband would like it.

My husband is used to being treated like a VIP, even by his mum (dad from Middle East, mum from Italy). I feel isolated and not being able to achieve my potentials (Oxbridge educated if it means anyth). Or maybe a mid-life crisis?

I love my children dearly, I’d rather not have anyone taking care of them.

You current lifestyle doesn't sound like something I'd want, but then neither does a 2-bed house for a family of four doing all your own cleaning just for the sake of something to do (it's fine, of course, but seems like an overcorrection).

You need to let your husband return, settle in, then tell him exactly how unhappy you are. Write it down now so you don't forget (maybe nothing about his response, because he's far away and grieving).

You are married to the wrong man.