Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to attend daughters wedding

189 replies

Miamihighsky · 06/06/2018 13:17

From the post title it may seem like I'm a terrible mother but please allow me to explain.

My DD is getting married later this year. This is her 4th marriage and she's in her late 30s. Her second exH unfortunately died. She cheated on her first and 3rd exH. My daughter doesn't seem to care much about marriage.

My main problem is that the man she is marrying was a man that he had an affair with while being married to her exH3. ExH3 was a great man. He really looked after DD during the mourning of her exH. He has been a great father to the kids and they were devastated when they found out about the divorce. ExH3 is now looking after their kids because DD just doesn't care. She's recently had her 6th child with her fiance and the whole thing is a bit of a mess. She only really ended the relationship after she found out that she was pregnant with the om's child so the whole thing is a bit rushed.

I don't get on with her fiance at all. He's 23 years old and is too immature to be a husband and a father. It has got to stage where I am now having to look after her older DCs as they don't want to live with her. She seems not to care at all. She just wants ' a new start'. She's planning to move away and leave me looking after the DC permanently. They aren't a problem and exH3 takes care of them in the weekends and is a big help however when will this all stop? This marriage will not last and she will then meet another man and marriage number 5. She should've never had a child with him so early. She's only thinking about herself and nobody else.

She has recently invited me to her wedding including her DC who have refused to go. I am also planning on missing it. I know it will most likely break my DDs heart that me or her kids can't go however I've had enough. I just don't approve of the marriage. Some of my friends have told me that should just go to the wedding because she my DD however I've already been to 3, I think that's enough.

OP posts:
Whatshallidonowpeople · 06/06/2018 13:19

It's up to you. It isnt really Any of your business what goes on between a married couple and I wonder what happened in her upbringing that made her like this?

BlueBug45 · 06/06/2018 13:20

As you have to look after the DC then you can't go. No need for any other excuse.

However you or their father need to contact her, and explain why her children can't or won't go unless they have done this already themselves.

BlueBug45 · 06/06/2018 13:21

@Whatshallidonowpeople some people are shits regardless of their parents. When you know whole families you realise this.

unicornfarts · 06/06/2018 13:22

yowser - take your point. I'm with you.

tenaciousD · 06/06/2018 13:22

I'd go. She's your daughter. A wedding isn't the time for you to score points.

Astella22 · 06/06/2018 13:24

I was all prepared to say YABU until I read the detail, I think after the first 3 you have every right to not go and given the fact that you don't get on with no.4 I would say YANBU to stay home.

Beaverhausen · 06/06/2018 13:25

Totally with you OP.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 06/06/2018 13:27

Just go. You're her mother, go to her wedding, say the right things, be supportive. Go home. Job done.

Miamihighsky · 06/06/2018 13:27

Whatshallidonowpeople

DD never knew her father as I had her when I was a teen, I found out he was married and didn't want him to have anything to do with the DD. I personally think this is the reason for her behavior. A lack of a father figure for her to grow up with. I take the blame for this.

After her first marriage from what I'm aware of DD hasn't been single for more than a year. I think she needs time to be single asked find herself however she just won't listen to me.

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 06/06/2018 13:28

I wouldn't go. She sounds like a spoiled brat and maybe not having her kids or mother there will make her realise that.

In this situation I'd say your allegiances lie with your grandkids as you havw become their guardian, legally and intentionally or not. If my own child walked away from their kids to play happy families with a new baby and partner I would definitely make my feelings be known and wouldn't support this at all.
She has shown no regard for anyone other than herself and has unfortunately brought a new baby in to this mess. If this marriage goes tits up will you end up caring for the newest addition also?

clippityclock · 06/06/2018 13:28

Blimey I wouldn't go either. So she's marrying the bloke she had an affair and she's had his child despite not wanting to care for her other 5 children. Its not really something I would want to be involved in as its highly unlikely to last.

Her poor kids.

Timeisslipingaway · 06/06/2018 13:28

Can I ask how old he other 5 DC are? How many of them are exH DC?
With regards to the wedding I would absolutely not be going if I were you.

sparklepops123 · 06/06/2018 13:29

Tell her you can’t go because your looking after her kids

chickenpox100 · 06/06/2018 13:30

I would go if you can bear to. She's still your daughter and any influence you have may help her in the future. But I agree that you've already done your bit.

Miamihighsky · 06/06/2018 13:30

A part of me does want to go as there is always that tiny chance that this marriage could actually work. I don't want to be regretting that I didn't go to my own DDs wedding.

I'm just confused.

OP posts:
Sammyham · 06/06/2018 13:32

Don't think you're wrong at all to not want to go.

As you've already said, seems a lot like she's constantly trying to hit the restart button by jumping in to these new relationships and forgetting her responsibilities, it kind of sounds like she could do with some therapy...

I'd talk to her and explain why you and her children won't be attending, even if it does break her heart it's the right thing to do, perhaps she needs a bit of a shock to the system and be told no so she realises this isn't normal behaviour

kissthealderman · 06/06/2018 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaneyEJones · 06/06/2018 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sue51 · 06/06/2018 13:35

The grandchildren must be your priority. I would go with their wishes.

zippey · 06/06/2018 13:37

The marriage won’t work if he’s only 23 and immature. You don’t need a crystal ball for this prediction.

Does she know her dad now?

She sounds lost and selfish, and yeah I’d probably say I have to look after kids.

thethoughtfox · 06/06/2018 13:38

Tell her her children are too hurt and distressed and don't want to go and as you have been their main care-giver, you have no choice but to stay with them and support them through this.

PinkHeart5914 · 06/06/2018 13:38

I’d go because she is my daughter but I wouldn’t really see the point, she’s been married 3 times the fucking vows don’t mean a thing to her clearly like this one will be any different.....

LoniceraJaponica · 06/06/2018 13:39

I would probably go, but wouldn't be buying a new outfit or a present. By the furth time around it doesn't feel special any more.

CristalTipps · 06/06/2018 13:41

I don't want to be regretting that I didn't go to my own DDs wedding.

You went to three of her weddings. That's more than most parents will ever have to do!

Do you ever tell her what's on your mind? Does she know that leaving 5 of her children with you and moving away may not be the best news you have ever had? If you're displeased, show it. I think you're more likely to regret attending this particular wedding than not attending...

JuicySwan · 06/06/2018 13:42

She sounds a rotten mother and a ghastly human being. I’d disown her.