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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to attend daughters wedding

189 replies

Miamihighsky · 06/06/2018 13:17

From the post title it may seem like I'm a terrible mother but please allow me to explain.

My DD is getting married later this year. This is her 4th marriage and she's in her late 30s. Her second exH unfortunately died. She cheated on her first and 3rd exH. My daughter doesn't seem to care much about marriage.

My main problem is that the man she is marrying was a man that he had an affair with while being married to her exH3. ExH3 was a great man. He really looked after DD during the mourning of her exH. He has been a great father to the kids and they were devastated when they found out about the divorce. ExH3 is now looking after their kids because DD just doesn't care. She's recently had her 6th child with her fiance and the whole thing is a bit of a mess. She only really ended the relationship after she found out that she was pregnant with the om's child so the whole thing is a bit rushed.

I don't get on with her fiance at all. He's 23 years old and is too immature to be a husband and a father. It has got to stage where I am now having to look after her older DCs as they don't want to live with her. She seems not to care at all. She just wants ' a new start'. She's planning to move away and leave me looking after the DC permanently. They aren't a problem and exH3 takes care of them in the weekends and is a big help however when will this all stop? This marriage will not last and she will then meet another man and marriage number 5. She should've never had a child with him so early. She's only thinking about herself and nobody else.

She has recently invited me to her wedding including her DC who have refused to go. I am also planning on missing it. I know it will most likely break my DDs heart that me or her kids can't go however I've had enough. I just don't approve of the marriage. Some of my friends have told me that should just go to the wedding because she my DD however I've already been to 3, I think that's enough.

OP posts:
scrumpledpaper · 06/06/2018 21:31

Wow all I'm gonna say is @Miamihighsky thank god your grandchildren have you in their lives!!! 💐💐💐

Oddcat · 06/06/2018 21:40

You are a fantastic grandparent Op . I wouldn't go , I just couldn't sit through the ceremony listening to her make vows that mean nothing to her . I'd be interested in what vows she actually says- forsaking all others ? Does that include her children?

altiara · 06/06/2018 21:59

Can imagine the 23 year old fiancé definitely not wanting to parent a 17 year old and 2 preteens, but for DD to give up her DC for a fresh start, that is cruel. And yes I’d be judging. I’d also be thinking, soon she’ll be left with the baby and what’s going to happen then... she’s certainly not going to be in a position to take them back. I’d also be thinking of going to the wedding and telling everyone exactly why her own children aren’t there.

dontbesillyhenry · 06/06/2018 22:10

This sounds identical to a thread that was posted not long back

Jamiefraserskilt · 07/06/2018 07:58

You better get another room ready for when the sixth one comes your way!
Go or not go, it seems your daughter feels little responsibility for her kids beyond giving birth to them. We can only imagine the damage to their feelings when a bloke takes priority over the children. They are lucky to have you and dh3 who sounds like a good bloke.
Yes, she needs to be told how you and they feel about her plans. Face to face, calmly and personally. She needs to hear about their feelings about the whole thing. Not shouty just the truth. If they want to go after she has spoken to them, fine. If not then dont. You are in the queue for a one to one, too. Time for her to see the damage instead of everyone covering it up.

emmyrose2000 · 09/06/2018 08:25

I wouldn’t go because I wouldn’t want my grandchildren to think I was condoning her abandonment of them.

Exactly.

This selfish, self centred, disgrace of a "parent" needs her parental rights terminated so the grandchildren can be brought up in one stable environment (which seems to be with their grandmother), not being bounced around like ping pong balls whenever it suits their "mother".

WilyMinx · 09/06/2018 10:31

She sounds so self-centred that I really doubt it would break her heart if you didn't go. Don't feel pressured to attend if that's not what you want to do.

Bahhhhhumbug · 09/06/2018 11:26

Oh l would just go and smile and nod, smile and nod. It's not you that will look bad, but only if you don't go. She knows how you feel about it so just go and support her on the basis she's your dd. It won't make any difference in the long run, whether the marriage takes place or not or whether it lasts.
I have a saying that l do things against my better judgement sometimes on a 'never let it be said..' basis. Its the reason l still send my ex dil a Xmas/birthday card year on year and stick a tenner in it. Never had an acknowledgement let alone a thank you but l keep sending them as she is the mother of my DGCs and to annoy her.

Jaxhog · 10/06/2018 11:41

Firstly, don't blame yourself. It sounds like you did (and are doing) the best you can.

My second thought was, what the hell was she doing have 6 (six!) DCs that she can't look after!! They are HER responsibility as well as the exs who, by the way, sound very responsible. You've done your bit, and to expect you to bring up her children is beyond rea. Of course they have to come before her feelings. It's entirely selfish of her to think otherwise. (Thank god they have you in their lives.)

In your position, I can see why you wouldn't want to be at the wedding. But, if you do go and take her children with you, perhaps it will serve as a reminder to her of her responsibilities?

Jaxhog · 10/06/2018 11:42

Beyond reason

beanaseireann · 10/07/2018 20:54

She sounds like an entitled self centred b*tch, not like a loving mother at all.
Why did she have the children if she pawns them off on you and her ex husband/ partner?
Who is paying to support 6 children ???

Personally I would wash my hands of her and care for her children.

BigPinkBall · 10/07/2018 21:16

If I were you I’d go, she’s your daughter, you don’t need to agree with what she’s doing and she doesn’t need your permission, but I think it would be quite hurtful if your mother didn’t go to your wedding and you’ve obviously been there for her all through her marriages, children and divorces and bereavement. Let her know that you’ll be there for her again if it all goes wrong.

Babynut1 · 10/07/2018 22:04

I wouldn’t go in a million years, she’s a twat.
I would also tell her to make her bed and to not darken your door until she bloody grows the fuck up.

TeasndToast · 11/07/2018 13:08

I wouldn’t go because I wouldn’t want my grandchildren to think I was condoning her abandonment of them.

This. Their feelings appear to be the last thing on their mothers mind so how she feels about you attending her wedding should be last on yours.

I think it’s far more important to spend that day with the children, doing something special and making them feel like number one. Poor mites.

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