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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to attend daughters wedding

189 replies

Miamihighsky · 06/06/2018 13:17

From the post title it may seem like I'm a terrible mother but please allow me to explain.

My DD is getting married later this year. This is her 4th marriage and she's in her late 30s. Her second exH unfortunately died. She cheated on her first and 3rd exH. My daughter doesn't seem to care much about marriage.

My main problem is that the man she is marrying was a man that he had an affair with while being married to her exH3. ExH3 was a great man. He really looked after DD during the mourning of her exH. He has been a great father to the kids and they were devastated when they found out about the divorce. ExH3 is now looking after their kids because DD just doesn't care. She's recently had her 6th child with her fiance and the whole thing is a bit of a mess. She only really ended the relationship after she found out that she was pregnant with the om's child so the whole thing is a bit rushed.

I don't get on with her fiance at all. He's 23 years old and is too immature to be a husband and a father. It has got to stage where I am now having to look after her older DCs as they don't want to live with her. She seems not to care at all. She just wants ' a new start'. She's planning to move away and leave me looking after the DC permanently. They aren't a problem and exH3 takes care of them in the weekends and is a big help however when will this all stop? This marriage will not last and she will then meet another man and marriage number 5. She should've never had a child with him so early. She's only thinking about herself and nobody else.

She has recently invited me to her wedding including her DC who have refused to go. I am also planning on missing it. I know it will most likely break my DDs heart that me or her kids can't go however I've had enough. I just don't approve of the marriage. Some of my friends have told me that should just go to the wedding because she my DD however I've already been to 3, I think that's enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Miamihighsky · 06/06/2018 13:42

Sammyham

Good point. All of the family including my self have been constantly pandering to her needs so she seems to not think what she's doing is wrong.

She has no plan to take her DC back. She moving away and living in a smaller house. My DGrandC are the main priority here. She's giving her children up for another man, I just don't understand. The reason I'm planning on not going is if I do go I'm accepting this marriage and her behaviour.

OP posts:
Dobbythesockelf · 06/06/2018 13:44

Does she know her kids don't want to go? I think that says a lot tbh and if they live with you then I would be putting them first if I were you. You have been to 3 weddings of hers after all.

Loonoon · 06/06/2018 13:45

I would go. As you say this one could be the keeper. You can be a better Mum than she is.

sockunicorn · 06/06/2018 13:46

@miamihighsky

personally i would go. i personally believe my role as a mother is to support my kids no matter how much i disagree with their choices. Warn her of your feelings before she does it, go for the day, smile, say the right things and leave. Job done. That way IF it ever works out, it can never be thrown back at you. I wouldnt force the DC to go though. Also, the DC will always feel a bond to her and may (at some point in the future) come round to her and leave you. This way you've kept things amicable and she can never "punish" you later on.

Original poster
Miamihighsky · 06/06/2018 13:47

LoniceraJaponica

I might have to buy a new outfit as I've run out of hats .

In all seriousness, the marriage won't really mean anything to me. It's now become a sad moment for me. Seeing my daughter marry a new man it's a mess.

OP posts:
PieAndPumpkins · 06/06/2018 13:48

You're not at all wrong to not want to go to the wedding. This is far far more than a case of 4th marriage. First and foremost, she's abandoned her children. What a selfish, self centered bitch, I would not be supporting, and therefore condoning her behavior for the sake of a party and a piece of paper. Stand up for your grand babies and teach her where her priorities should lie.

diddl · 06/06/2018 13:48

Sounds as if she needs counselling.

I think that sometimes you have to do what feels right to you & not what others think you should.

Do you really think that she will care?

Perhaps only about how it looks to others?

She has affairs/kids with seemingly no thought.

Italiangreyhound · 06/06/2018 13:49

I'm really sorry this sounds very hard on the kids and on you. Do what is right for you and support your grandkids.

Thanks
juneau · 06/06/2018 13:49

YANBU OP. She sounds utterly feckless and self-centred. You're doing plenty for her by raising her older DC, who she plans to abandon. That alone would make me want to cut her off tbh. She doesn't deserve 'a fresh start' when she has six DC by various different men - she should grow up, look after her DC and stop being so irresponsible. All those saying 'She's your DD, you should go' wouldn't be so understanding if you were describing a man behaving like that.

diddl · 06/06/2018 13:50

" She's giving her children up for another man,"

I had missed that.

I couldn't condone that at all.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 06/06/2018 13:50

I’d have to go, I couldn’t not.

Unless the fact that I went distressed the gc.

OurMiracle1106 · 06/06/2018 13:50

miami I grew up without a father (mine died when I was 15months old) my mum never repartnered. Granted I’m married and divorced (he turned to cocaine after my FIL died and became violent and I couldn’t stay)

Please don’t blame yourself for all of your DDs actions.

It may be the loss of her exh2 that hasn’t helped her mind set.

CristalTipps · 06/06/2018 13:51

You can be a better Mum than she is.

Well, it sounds like she already is! She's mothering five of her grandchildren. I don't see why she should baby the woman who has caused all the mess.

Bekabeech · 06/06/2018 13:52

Personally I'd go, probably. It's one day, and you can leave early if necessary. I would also encourage the DC to suck it up and go, but not pressurise them.
You do tend to make it sound like 3 failed marriages, but the end of 2 can't really be blamed on your DD. Also however much DH3 seemed great to you, maybe he just wasn't that great as a husband or that good a match for your DD.
If you and the DC don't go you will be forcing her further into the hands of her new husband, which if you don't trust him could be dangerous for her.

It does sound as if she is damaged, but you can't say thats just from growing up without a father figure (I didn't really have one and turned out nothing like your DD). But there could be something in the past that you don't even know about that contributed to this, and she does seem lacking in self-esteem.

welshmist · 06/06/2018 13:53

You are a star granny, look after the children. I cannot see a marriage between a woman in her late 30`s and a 23 year old being an easy road for your daughter. You will be there for down the road I am sure.

PieAndPumpkins · 06/06/2018 13:54

Her relationships or who's fault it was it utterly irrelevant. she is ABANDONING HER CHILDREN!! Why would anyone condone that?!

Zaphodsotherhead · 06/06/2018 13:56

I'd go to the wedding but distance myself from DD. However, when this marriage breaks down because he cheats on her with the 22 year old from Accounts, she is going to want (and need) your support. So maybe don't burn all the bridges, just yet.

milliemolliemou · 06/06/2018 13:56

Another for not going. Fourth marriage, this to a 23 year old man for whom she's abandoning 5 children? who don't want to go to their mum's newest wedding? I would think it a problem to go - you don't feel like it, everyone's always gone along with her and she needs it pointed out not everyone agrees with her approach to life, and by not going you can support her children through what will be a difficult time for them.

greendale17 · 06/06/2018 13:58

I wouldn’t go either OP

Blimey I wouldn't go either. So she's marrying the bloke she had an affair and she's had his child despite not wanting to care for her other 5 children. Its not really something I would want to be involved in as its highly unlikely to last.

^Your daughter really is a disgrace. I wouldn’t want nothing more to do with her.

Jonbb · 06/06/2018 13:59

She does realise she doesn't have to marry every man she shags, doesn't she? Seriously though, I wouldn't go either, for so many of the reasons you've outlined. At some point she needs to understand people do not appreciate her behaviour. Leaving the children in the way she has will ensure the children are unsettled and probably suffer self-esteem issues in the future too. If they are old enough to decide they don't want to go, then that's fine.

Billben · 06/06/2018 13:59

Sorry, but I wouldn’t go either. Daughter or no daughter, she is abandoning her children for her latest squeeze. And for her heart breaking if you don’t go, her heart should be breaking for being a shit mother and messing up her children’s life.

Sashkin · 06/06/2018 14:02

I wouldn’t go because I wouldn’t want my grandchildren to think I was condoning her abandonment of them.

Really, I think child abandonment should have some sort of legal consequences. I would certainly include feckless fathers in with that. But I just cannot imagine how you can walk away from your own children.

AbsolutelyBeginning · 06/06/2018 14:02

A part of me does want to go as there is always that tiny chance that this marriage could actually work. I don't want to be regretting that I didn't go to my own DDs wedding

I WOULD go if it were me.

Of course you are concerned and disappointed and may well be proved right that this marriage won't go the distance any more than the others did.

The thing is, there isn't really a downside to going is there? Just a little time and a little effort on your part.

There is a BIG downside to not going though, wouldn't you say?

You say you feel her childhood may have contributed to her behaviour? In that case, you should cut her some slack. Would she be willing to go into any kind of therapy, do you think? Could she have BPD or something?

In the meantime, I would go. She may be in chaos with regards to her romantic relationships, but you still have a mother/daughter relationship and if you want to maintain that. I think you need to be seen to be supporting her if you can manage to.

When she is married (again!) you can maybe bring up therapy and suchlike with her. Tell her it will help with her new relationship if nothing else. If you don't go to the wedding, you may miss out on the chance to help her.

I know this doesn't seem fair as you have been landed with a lot to cope with as a result of your daughter's behaviour, but there must be some reason behind her behaviour and it may be time to get to the bottom of it once and for all.

BarbarianMum · 06/06/2018 14:03

I wouldn't support either of my children if they ditched their kids for "a fresh start". That's a shitty thing to do.

Sashkin · 06/06/2018 14:06

Absolutely we cross-posted, but it is the message that going would send to the grandchildren that would stop me going.

If there were no children, or if she wasn’t abandoning them, fine I’d suck it up and roll my eyes. But the children need somebody to stand up and say no, this is not ok and they don’t deserve this.