To not want to attend daughters wedding

[Miamihighsky]

From the post title it may seem like I'm a terrible mother but please allow me to explain.

My DD is getting married later this year. This is her 4th marriage and she's in her late 30s. Her second exH unfortunately died. She cheated on her first and 3rd exH. My daughter doesn't seem to care much about marriage.

My main problem is that the man she is marrying was a man that he had an affair with while being married to her exH3. ExH3 was a great man. He really looked after DD during the mourning of her exH. He has been a great father to the kids and they were devastated when they found out about the divorce. ExH3 is now looking after their kids because DD just doesn't care. She's recently had her 6th child with her fiance and the whole thing is a bit of a mess. She only really ended the relationship after she found out that she was pregnant with the om's child so the whole thing is a bit rushed.

I don't get on with her fiance at all. He's 23 years old and is too immature to be a husband and a father. It has got to stage where I am now having to look after her older DCs as they don't want to live with her. She seems not to care at all. She just wants ' a new start'. She's planning to move away and leave me looking after the DC permanently. They aren't a problem and exH3 takes care of them in the weekends and is a big help however when will this all stop? This marriage will not last and she will then meet another man and marriage number 5. She should've never had a child with him so early. She's only thinking about herself and nobody else.

She has recently invited me to her wedding including her DC who have refused to go. I am also planning on missing it. I know it will most likely break my DDs heart that me or her kids can't go however I've had enough. I just don't approve of the marriage. Some of my friends have told me that should just go to the wedding because she my DD however I've already been to 3, I think that's enough.

Tell her that you can't attend this one, but you'll come to the next one.

That's what I was thinking! Liza Minnelli supposedly said that to Judy Garland before her fifth wedding.

OP, you sound like a fantastic grandmother. There are very few circumstances in which I would recommend that a parent skip their own child's wedding, but this is one of them. It sounds like she needs a wake-up call regarding the consequences of her behaviour.

i think going would condone her behaviour in dumpingher children-fine if its was mental problems and she ssought help-not to just go off with yet another man

I would not be going, your DGD’s/ DGS will need you love and support, the day of the wedding is going to be very difficult for them! They are the most important in all of this! How your daughter could cast aside her own children for a man that isn’t much older than her first child is frankly appalling!

Do you have any counselling or social work support for your DGC? Is your Youngest dgd safe? It all sounds incredibly toxic for all of your grandchildren! As much as I adore my children, in your shoes I could not allow my Grandchildren to think that I in any way support their Mothers behaviour, particularly her abandonment of them! They must feel incredibly hurt!

I honestly am shocked that anyone would consider condoning their child abandoning five children so she can start a ‘new family’ with a man almost young enough to be her child! That is incredibly narcissistic and cruel! Please do not go, teach your grandchildren that they are loved, that they have value and deserve to be put first! Their Mother has left them with a lifetime of low self esteem and emotional and psychological wounds to work through! Why should she get to pretend she is a good Mother and respectable wife? Why should her children be expected to play happy families, so she can have her ‘special day!’?

Op you sound like a lovely caring parent and grandparent.

But why have you not really taken her to task for this behaviour?

She may be an adult but those rights to live as she pleases without interference STOP when she is expecting YOU to look after her DC for ever Monday to Friday...
.Sod the weddingeither way that is small fry compared to her existing Dcs!

If she were my DD, l would get her somewhere she couldn't brush me off, and really let rip how awful her behavior is and how terribly she is hurting her DCs.....why are you not calling her out on this terrible cruel behavior?

I would shake her!

Of course you looking after Dcs is a great second solution for them, but how hurtful for them that it has come to that.

Take the money you will need all the help you can get, but tell her you will not be looking after any more Dcs she may have.

Good luck to you.

Is it that you see NOT going to wedding of a way of letting her know how you feel? I can really understand if this is the case but she is going to marry her fiancé anyway.

I think it is better to go than not go. The reasoning is you do seem conflicted and doubtful about whether you may regret not going so cut that out by just going.

Likewise, I don't see how you could regret going to the wedding as you know it would go ahead anyway.

I very much doubt this selfish bitch has a heart to break. She's abandoned her children and does not appear to give 2 shits. I couldn't condone that. Ever.

Be strong for your dgcs, as she can't be bothered. Let them see that you care about them.

If she asks why you aren't coming, just say not to worry , you'll come to the next one tell her you have to look after the dgcs.

This isn't your fault OP. She's an adult who is responsible for her own shitty behaviour.

I don't blame you. Marriage clearly means nothing to her. Her poor children have a terrible example of a mother.

I don't think you should go, your grandchildren don't want to be there and as seen as she is basically abandoning them I think you need to support them and their decision.

I actually feel really sad for your dd. She is still looking for her happy ending after a heartbreaking loss and it doesn’t sound like she’s found it yet. Of course she cannot leave her DC and of course this new man does not sound like ‘the one’. But you’re her mum. If you don’t attend she will most likely fall out with you which will make things even more turbulent for the dc. You need to support her in doing the right things in the future rather than berating her for the past. And she is having the baby regardless! Not attending the wedding won’t really change anything. Get a new hat and practise your best wry smile!

What a sad situation for you and your grandchildren.

I think your loyalty in this needs to be with your DGCs and possibly exH3 since you are co-parenting with him.

I would say to the DGC, especially the teenagers, that it is their mum and they should go, but if they don't want to them don't press them.

I am guessing for you to go you would need exH3 to look after the children so I would speak to him and get his view on the children not going to the wedding and whether he would look after them if you went.

That way at least you have the option to go. I think you need to be guided by the DGC. The twins are too young, but speak to the older children, say you are considering going and see what they want. If they say they do not want you to (they may see if as you picking her over them) then I would stay away as the DGC are the innocent party in this and need your protection.

If they do not mind you going then it is your choice. You could just go to the service as a show of support and then leave or you could choose to do something nice with the children. No-one would judge you either way.

She’ll never get the message if you attend this wedding. Leave her and groom no4 to it

If i were you I wouldn't go. She sounds completely screwed up to be honest. I know she's your daughter, but she sounds like she's dumping on you and her ex , and behaving with total selfishness.

I think 3 weddings would be my limit. Just say no and concentrate on the children.

No I wouldn't go. I certainly wouldn't try to persuade the DGC to go either. The eldest 3, those living with you, are quite old enough to know their own minds.

Honestly, I'd be focusing on getting legal guardianship of the 3 living with you. If the 17yo is turning 18 soon then go for it for the 12 & 13yo. You do not want your daughter wrenching them away from their new home on another whim.

The lack of a male figure in her young life is an excuse and you know it. She's gone astray and has 'the morals of an alley cat' as my aged aunt was fond of saying.

Put your DGC front and centre in your mind: what is best for them right now?

I have a pal - now in her 50s with a dysfunctional mum like this who is now mid sixties. The mum had her before she was 16 and wasn't a poster woman for getting her shit together with a young baby. And the rest which I won't share.
My pal is a lovely functional woman with a family of her own.

No I wouldn't go. I would explain the impact of her chaotic lifestyle on her children and on you. She needs to grow up and be responsible. Sounds like the wedding is more important that the marriage, commitment and her children"s emotional well-being

I wouldn’t attend any wedding after the 2nd

A bit of an update for you all. Thank you so much the responses have been great and so helpful

I phoned my DD to talk about the situation with the DGCs. She seems to believe that in the future her fiance will feel comfortable having them around and until then I will need to look after them. I asked her if she was sure this would be the case and she seemed to think that her fiance would change his mind. I told her that it wasn't good idea and that the DGCs needed a stable home to live in. I told her that instant prepared for my DGCs to be living in a messy marriage and house. She then told me that about how her relationship is stable, the kids weren't showing her fiance respect and that they don't want her to be happy with him. She also said my opinion didn't matter because she was the mother and she knew what was best for her DCs.

I then replied to her that if she really knew what was best for her DCs she wouldn't be getting married. This ended up leading into an argument in which she complained about how her DCs don't want her to be happy. Ranting about how she is always having to put her kids first and not herself. She seems to think her sending the DGCs to live with me was the best for them as she doesn't think she could look after the kids be herself. She thinks that deserve better than her. DD thinks she not good at being a parent and looking after teens is too hard for her. I told her we need to have sit-down abiut this situation and told her the DGCs didn't feel comfortable going to the wedding due to this situation. She was upset when she heard that and is planning on coming over later today or tomorrow.

DD really needs to hear how hurt the DGCs are as she seems to think that she has done nothing wrong in this situation. I also want to get this idea out of her head that she seems to think she wouldn't be able to look after her DCs alone. I want to make sure she knows that I am there for her.

I can't thank you all enough for the advice, especially the ones who have had similar situations, DN4GeekinDerby, lostinsinsunshine, your stories were really interesting.

She seems to believe that in the future her fiance will feel comfortable having them around and until then I will need to look after them. I asked her if she was sure this would be the case and she seemed to think that her fiance would change his mind

For me this is the crux of the situation - her partner does not accept her children and I think it's highly unlikely he will. Why would he? She has shown that they do not come as part of the package, and once they are married he will have little incentive to change his mind.

I am not sure if she genuinely thinks they deserve better or if this is her way of eschewing responsibility whilst removing herself of blame or guilt. Either way, they are incredibly lucky to have you and I am not sure that they should go back to her. Why should they ever trust in her or feel secure or loved by her again? She has demonstrated herself to be more interested in a man, and a pretty random man at that since this is the FOURTH time she will be getting married, than her own children.

I am very sorry for them, and I am very sorry for you. The best case scenario would be her calling off the wedding and putting her children first, and showing this fiance that they come as a package. If she can't do this (and I suspect she can't) then they are better off with you. She should really stop having children all over the place if she isn't prepared to actually commit herself to raising them though.

Good luck with the discussion OP, but I don't see a great way forward.

" She seems to believe that in the future her fiance will feel comfortable having them around and until then I will need to look after them."

That's just not good enough, is it?

" her DCs don't want her to be happy."

Sometimes you have to put your own life on hold for a while.

Hell no, no way would I go, and I certainly wouldn't try to persuade the children to go, when she's abandoned them!

Ranting about how she is always having to put her kids first and not herself.

Well, perhaps she should have thought of that before she started popping out children.

I'd be telling her that what she's doing to her children is disgusting and that she's unfit to be a mother. She should get her tubes tied, to avoid her having any more to fuck up.

Your poor grandchildren, thank goodness they have you and ex husband no.3.

Get legal protection for those children, she would be able to protect them from a shower of rain. She might get wet herself.

wouldn’t

She's abandoning her kids then putting the blame on them. She's putting herself before her child. Sorry OP but your DD sounds like a twat and I'd agree with Matilda and get legal protection for the children.

Your daughter should be ashamed of herself.

I'm really sorry you're going through this

I think you're being out of order. Well done for looking after the children however she's their mother. She wants them to go they go they need to show her some respect. She carried them and gave birth to them yet they don't want to celebrate her happiness. Force them to go OP.

I think they lack of a father figure and the death of her second husband has played a massive role in this. Poor women hope she finds happiness.