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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to attend daughters wedding

189 replies

Miamihighsky · 06/06/2018 13:17

From the post title it may seem like I'm a terrible mother but please allow me to explain.

My DD is getting married later this year. This is her 4th marriage and she's in her late 30s. Her second exH unfortunately died. She cheated on her first and 3rd exH. My daughter doesn't seem to care much about marriage.

My main problem is that the man she is marrying was a man that he had an affair with while being married to her exH3. ExH3 was a great man. He really looked after DD during the mourning of her exH. He has been a great father to the kids and they were devastated when they found out about the divorce. ExH3 is now looking after their kids because DD just doesn't care. She's recently had her 6th child with her fiance and the whole thing is a bit of a mess. She only really ended the relationship after she found out that she was pregnant with the om's child so the whole thing is a bit rushed.

I don't get on with her fiance at all. He's 23 years old and is too immature to be a husband and a father. It has got to stage where I am now having to look after her older DCs as they don't want to live with her. She seems not to care at all. She just wants ' a new start'. She's planning to move away and leave me looking after the DC permanently. They aren't a problem and exH3 takes care of them in the weekends and is a big help however when will this all stop? This marriage will not last and she will then meet another man and marriage number 5. She should've never had a child with him so early. She's only thinking about herself and nobody else.

She has recently invited me to her wedding including her DC who have refused to go. I am also planning on missing it. I know it will most likely break my DDs heart that me or her kids can't go however I've had enough. I just don't approve of the marriage. Some of my friends have told me that should just go to the wedding because she my DD however I've already been to 3, I think that's enough.

OP posts:
FatherMackenzie · 06/06/2018 19:31

Do not force them to go. Christ.

@lacey, are you the op’s daughter?

Branleuse · 06/06/2018 19:32

Id go, but i would be low key about it and possibly not stay for the party

fuzzyfozzy · 06/06/2018 19:34

Lacey that's so goady it's 😂

fuzzyfozzy · 06/06/2018 19:36

She needs a serious discussion to understand that being a Mum is putting the children first, they want and deserve a forever home and family.
With her or you
But yes I'd get legal advice for security and I'd get money for their care

Whattheactualfuckmate · 06/06/2018 19:36

lacey 😂😂😂

Timeisslipingaway · 06/06/2018 19:41

Laceystace, force them to go to the wedding of the mother that abandoned them! Great advice, Hmm idiot

Laceystace · 06/06/2018 19:52

Didn't know only certain opinion where allowed non this thread. There are two sides to every story we ate hearing this from the mother who clearly has ill feelings of her DD if the Dd was so bad why hasn't the social been involved. I don't think you should try and take custody of her DCs if my mum did they that I would break my heart. go to the wedding it's your own daughter! take the kids with you, I believe she does love the children as the OP has said.

The kids at this moment need to stay at the OPs house I can imagine that was a hard decision for her. It's like a young woman giving her child up for adoption it breaks my heart. Maybe I'm too empathetic.

Whocansay · 06/06/2018 20:03

Laceystance why would SS be involved when people are already caring for the children? The DD herself isn't doing it, she's just letting others do it for her. She knows she's failed the children she already has and so has made a replacement.

The kids don't want to go to the wedding. They've been abandoned by their mother, FFS!

clairedelalune · 06/06/2018 20:04

Her abandoning of the children is a significant trauma for them; the impact and effects will be life long on them.
Personally I would not go to the wedding but it's one day. The focus needs to be on the future and the children's well being. Please contact social care for help and support as well as legalising the situation. You could be entitled to a fostering allowance.
Am sorry but in my opinion when you become a parent your life changesyou have to prioritize your children and yes that means giving up your desires if necessary.

Motoko · 06/06/2018 20:06

She wants them to go they go they need to show her some respect.

Show her some respect? To the mother that has abandoned them and is now playing happy families with her 6th child and new squeeze?

She doesn't want them, they cramp her style because she has to put them first.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/06/2018 20:08

Miami as far as your DD coming over, please don't put DGC in the position of having to confront their mother with their views. If they want to, that's fine. But don't allow your DD to force them to 'talk to her' or allow her to create some sort of emotional blackmail scene in front of them. Your job is to protect them. They've given you their views, you've communicated them to your DD as their 'go between' and that's all there is to it. You can tell DD that you will relay her feelings about their decision, but that the final decision is theirs and both of you need to respect it.

And as far as PP's saying to urge/force the DC to go, that's ridiculous. The children are entitled to their feelings.

Laceystace · 06/06/2018 20:16

They are pre teens they don't exactly know what they want. She didn't abandon bet DCs she left them in a place she knew was safe for them to live as she didn't feel strong enough to look after them. She needs counseling, help and money.

Why are you taking money to look after your own grandchildren OP. like I said before you're doing an amazing job but it's your duty as a grandmother. you don't do something expecting something else in return. The main focus needs to be to sort out the relationship between your DD and the Dcs. Make sure they at respecting her as the mother. When it comes to older family members especially mothers respect shouldn't be something that comes and goes as the kids feel like it.

GreasyFryUp · 06/06/2018 20:23

OP, I really hope you can have the talk you need to have with your DD. Just goes to show how hard it is to be a parent, both you and DD.

clairedelalune · 06/06/2018 20:24

It's not taking money. Child benefit is paid to the person with whom the child lives to benefit the child. I would imagine that taking in her grandchildren was not in the op's original plan; there are financial implications, possibly including giving up work.

FatherMackenzie · 06/06/2018 20:33

“Maybe I’m too empathetic”

🤣

Pmsl at this. Yes, very empathetic of you to tell the op to force the children to attend the wedding out of “respect”. Ha ha fucking ha. You are being quite ridiculous.

HeebieJeebies456 · 06/06/2018 20:36

She's an incredibly selfish person and a shit parent - and she shouldn't be having yet more dc.

I'm starting to think maybe I should go and try to persuade the DGCs to come as well
Why - so the fact that their own mother has willingly abandoned them for another man is well and truly properly rubbed in their faces? Hmm
Attending the wedding is condoning her behaviour and enabling her to carry on regardless.

Where is your anger op? why do you pussyfoot around her cleaning up her mess instead of showing her how angry and disappointed you are with her?

Ranting about how she is always having to put her kids first and not herself...........she doesn't think she could look after the kids be herself
Yet she keeps churning them out for every guy she shacks up with

She also said my opinion didn't matter because she was the mother and she knew what was best for her DCs.
She needs her head testing!
She doesn't give a shiny shit about the wellbeing of her dc, or the mental and emotional harm her actions are causing.
She is clearly not taking her parental responsibilities seriously, and she has zero respect for those looking after her dc and doing her job for her.
Is she paying maintenance to her ex and you for her dc or does she expect you to just suck that up too?

Aragog · 06/06/2018 20:39

she left them in a place she knew was safe for them to live as she didn't feel strong enough to look after them.

No. She left them in a safe place because she has chosen to put her own needs before her children's needs. She has chosen to put a young boyfriend's wants above the needs of her children's wants. She'd rather with her own children to be able to go off and have fun times with a man who is nearer her children's ages than her own. Sorry, but a good mum doesn't do that.

WitchesGlove · 06/06/2018 20:39

What is your relationship like with your DD generally?

Just be prepared that not going will probably damage it further and she may go NC.

A wedding is only one day after all! If you can’t go because of the practicalities of looking after the kids, then at least send a card.

On another note, who paid for all these weddings?

Aragog · 06/06/2018 20:40

Respect for your parent isn't guaranteed I'm afraid, not when the parent has shown them how unimportant they are to her.

BottleOfJameson · 06/06/2018 20:44

I think they lack of a father figure and the death of her second husband has played a massive role in this. Poor women hope she finds happiness.

How about some sympathy for the children who by the sound of it aren't being at all well looked after and have lost a father figure?

Aragog · 06/06/2018 20:49

“Maybe I’m too empathetic”

Where is the empathy for the two bereaved preteen children - puberty is a difficult time for any child AND they have lost their father, plus no longer spending as much time with their other father figure - who have been discarded by their mother?

PerspicaciaTick · 06/06/2018 21:06

I think the children need to be your priority at the moment.

Missingstreetlife · 06/06/2018 21:08

You should get guardianship for the children so you have means to act as parent, and they can't be taken from you without notice. Ssd may support.

Dragongirl10 · 06/06/2018 21:17

Op l am speechless at the selfish speech your DD has given you, its all me,me,me isn't it?

Why on earth did she have more than one child if she doesn't want to put herself out to parent properly, one should have been enough to show her she is not prepared to put her children first. She should have stopped then!

Good for you letting her know her behaviour is so damaging to them, please keep telling her it may prevent her having any more, and make her see it from their point of view.

I really feel for you, this must be heartbreaking.

Namechangedname · 06/06/2018 21:20

It's the fact she's abandoned her kids would be the reason I wouldn't go. The fact that she's been married (almost) four times, pales in comparison.

They need you more than she does. I really do feel for them. They didn't ask for this.