To not want to attend daughters wedding

[Miamihighsky]

From the post title it may seem like I'm a terrible mother but please allow me to explain.

My DD is getting married later this year. This is her 4th marriage and she's in her late 30s. Her second exH unfortunately died. She cheated on her first and 3rd exH. My daughter doesn't seem to care much about marriage.

My main problem is that the man she is marrying was a man that he had an affair with while being married to her exH3. ExH3 was a great man. He really looked after DD during the mourning of her exH. He has been a great father to the kids and they were devastated when they found out about the divorce. ExH3 is now looking after their kids because DD just doesn't care. She's recently had her 6th child with her fiance and the whole thing is a bit of a mess. She only really ended the relationship after she found out that she was pregnant with the om's child so the whole thing is a bit rushed.

I don't get on with her fiance at all. He's 23 years old and is too immature to be a husband and a father. It has got to stage where I am now having to look after her older DCs as they don't want to live with her. She seems not to care at all. She just wants ' a new start'. She's planning to move away and leave me looking after the DC permanently. They aren't a problem and exH3 takes care of them in the weekends and is a big help however when will this all stop? This marriage will not last and she will then meet another man and marriage number 5. She should've never had a child with him so early. She's only thinking about herself and nobody else.

She has recently invited me to her wedding including her DC who have refused to go. I am also planning on missing it. I know it will most likely break my DDs heart that me or her kids can't go however I've had enough. I just don't approve of the marriage. Some of my friends have told me that should just go to the wedding because she my DD however I've already been to 3, I think that's enough.

I think the best thing you can do, in the circumstances, is to keep the channels of communication open and try to be a force of love and good influence in her life. In practical terms, being judgemental (however justified you are in so doing) is unlikely to achieve your aim of ensuring that your grandchildren have an advocate and a voice with her. You are basically forced to become a diplomat here - always strategic, always tactical, biting your tongue and trying to have a positive impact wherever you can. It's hard work.

It's not your fault that she is like this. At some point, we all have to take grown up responsibility for grown up actions. Having a rough ride early on can be a mitigating factor, but never an excuse.

Poor, poor kids. They're the real losers in all this.

I wouldn't go either.

I dont understand anyone willing to abandon their chidlren for a new relationship. I wouldnt go OP. A wedding is meant to be a celebration, a happy occasion. If you go this would all be fake, whats the point, especially if her own children dont want to go. What age are they?

nope I wouldn’t go.

Focus on your grandkids rather than being part of her show. She sounds like she needs help

YANBU if you don't go to the wedding

I wouldn’t go, this isn’t your fault.
I had no father figure growing up and I’m still happily on my first narriage.
She’s abandoning 5 children. She already has!
If the children are old enough to know the wedding is happening then you can’t keave her behind to go. They need you as the date will be the concreting if their bother abandoning them.
The ex-DH3 sounds lovely being a father to children not biologically his.

Don’t understand all the posters telling you it’s your fault and to get your grown adult daughter counselling! Good luck with your new role with tor grandchildren, they are the ones who will need counselling and move and support, not your DD

Dont blame the lack of a father figure. Ive been married thirty years soon. To a man I met at school.
I've never set eyes on my Father. He moved to other side of the world when I was 4 weeks old and my sister was 8yrs old. Left us, his wife (our mother) his home and his parents. Just upped and disappeared.
It's made me value marriage more.

it will most likely break my DDs heart that me or her kids can't go

I'd say she won't give two shits!

However...I'd go to the wedding myself, but allow the children to tell her that they don't want to go. If neither you nor the children go she could decide you're turning them against her, and take them back in a fit of pique, then drop them again. All very upsetting and de-stabilising for children. Be prepared for her to want the children back in a couple of years if this marriage doesn't work out :( It might be useful to get some kind of proper agreement in place for you to be their guardian. You should be getting child support from her as well.

Wow Whatshalli uncalled for! This is a grown adult woman, who is capable of making her own wrong choices. I agree with you op, it sounds like yet another wrong choice, who is caring for her kids when shes out getting husbands. It seems like she is addicted to marriage.

Tell her that you can't attend this one, but you'll come to the next one.

There is almost no chance that this relationship is going to last due to the age gap and the fact that they are both capable of cheating. The DCs need to be most important people here for you, because they clearly are not her priority.

If nobody has told her how bad her choices have been, it’s important that you show your disapproval in the strongest possible way.Tell her that you won’t attend.

If it’s difficult to tell her face to face, you could write her a letter explaining how you feel. She needs to know that you will always love her but you don’t like her because she is abandoning her children.

I would do whatever would benefit my grandchildren the most. They're the important ones here. If they don't want to go, I'd stay home to support them. If they do (even one of them) I'd go to support that child(ren).

Your DD does have a right to make her own decisions. But that doesn't mean that you have to support, or even appear to approve of, those decisions simply because she is your child. IF, as you hope, this marriage works and magically 'changes' your DD, then she will also understand why you have made the decisions that you have made.

I am in a similar situation like you looking after DGC.
I think if this happened to me I would be guided by what the DGC feel.
They must be traumatised by what has happened to them.
If they might see their DGM and mother substitute attending their mother’s wedding then no way I would go.

I know someone who did this minus the kids. Ironically she’s now had a baby with her partner who refuses to become husband no 6 and won’t marry her. She’s changed her name to his but everyone knows. The fifth wedding was embarrassing because she was overly emoting and the groom’s side (who was marrying for the first time) were behaving like it was a normal platform but the bride’s side looked like they were bored waiting for a train.

In your shoes I would go purely because you have a grandchild from the two of them and they may at some point in the future want to see something which assures them their entire family didn’t see their parents as a bit of a joke.

Tell her that you can't attend this one, but you'll come to the next one.

@FleurDuMal wins!

And frankly, it seems to me that her decision to abandon her children, whilst hard on them and on you, is the best decision she's made so far! At least they'll be raised in a loving and stable environment. With love, support, and counseling (if needed) you'll all get through this and they'll be fine adults.

I know it will most likely break my DDs heart Why risk that.
It's not your job to judge her.

I think you are right to give this wedding a miss, especially as her children don't want to go. Chances are it won't be the last one given her track record. In your position I would try to persuade her not have any more children as she really isn't a fit mother. Is exDH3 the biological father of all the children? If not, I wonder if you should consider legal guardianship or adoption of your grandchildren. I mean, is DH3 likely to get fed up looking after the DCs if they are not biologically his, especially if he meets someone new?

You sum it up when you express disappointment that your DD is giving up on her DC for an immature and inappropriate man. You did not give up on her and remain a support to her. Please explain to her that you are caring for and providing stability that her DC need. Focus on them, that is the right thing to do.

I wouldn’t go because I wouldn’t want my grandchildren to think I was condoning her abandonment of them.

^This completely

I wouldn't go. Why subject yourself to this kind of abuse? And yes, this is emotionally abusive towards you. (And the children of course, but definitely to you too, OP.)

I'd look at getting custody turned over to you for the kids then break ties with her. Get yourself financially stable and supported with benefits too. Ugh, this is rough.

www.care2.com/greenliving/mental-illness-divorce-what-you-need-to-know.html

A multinational study of mental disorders, marriage and divorce published in 2011 found that a sample of 18 mental disorders all increased the likelihood of divorce — ranging from a 20 percent increase to an 80 percent increase in the divorce rate

Elsewhere, researchers have shown a strong link between personality disorders and elevated divorce rates, with antisocial personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder having the highest rates.

Doesn’t matter how many times you marry if you’re still fully committed to and caring for your DC. She is not.

Part of attending the wedding service is promising to support the new couple etc and you don’t, for the simple reason that they are happy at the expense of your DGC. For that reason I would not be going.

For the poster who asked My DD has 6 DC. She's living with her youngest DD. 2 DCs (twins 5) live with ExH3 permanently. 3 live with me me. 2 (13/11) are from ExH2 so their only father figure is exH3 who they stay at in the weekends. One is from exH1 who lives in Australia. DS1 (17) spends the summer/winter/Spring over there. He also stays at ExH3 during weekends. So they end up seeing their ex step-dad more than they see their own mother. She seems to not care about them at all.

I'm planning on meeting her or even giving her a call later to talk about the DgrandC situation as this just can't go on. The DgrandC don't want her to marry her fiance, they don't want anything to do with him. So she has a choice between her DCs or her Fiance.

I wouldn't go.
No way.