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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to attend daughters wedding

189 replies

Miamihighsky · 06/06/2018 13:17

From the post title it may seem like I'm a terrible mother but please allow me to explain.

My DD is getting married later this year. This is her 4th marriage and she's in her late 30s. Her second exH unfortunately died. She cheated on her first and 3rd exH. My daughter doesn't seem to care much about marriage.

My main problem is that the man she is marrying was a man that he had an affair with while being married to her exH3. ExH3 was a great man. He really looked after DD during the mourning of her exH. He has been a great father to the kids and they were devastated when they found out about the divorce. ExH3 is now looking after their kids because DD just doesn't care. She's recently had her 6th child with her fiance and the whole thing is a bit of a mess. She only really ended the relationship after she found out that she was pregnant with the om's child so the whole thing is a bit rushed.

I don't get on with her fiance at all. He's 23 years old and is too immature to be a husband and a father. It has got to stage where I am now having to look after her older DCs as they don't want to live with her. She seems not to care at all. She just wants ' a new start'. She's planning to move away and leave me looking after the DC permanently. They aren't a problem and exH3 takes care of them in the weekends and is a big help however when will this all stop? This marriage will not last and she will then meet another man and marriage number 5. She should've never had a child with him so early. She's only thinking about herself and nobody else.

She has recently invited me to her wedding including her DC who have refused to go. I am also planning on missing it. I know it will most likely break my DDs heart that me or her kids can't go however I've had enough. I just don't approve of the marriage. Some of my friends have told me that should just go to the wedding because she my DD however I've already been to 3, I think that's enough.

OP posts:

eddielizzard · 06/06/2018 14:28

wow. you're nbu. i would struggle to go. instead i'd take the grandkids out for a treat. what a horrible situation.

BlackeyedSusan · 06/06/2018 14:34

I think the children might find it pretty hard if you do not go.

Dancingtothebeat · 06/06/2018 14:36

One thing I would say is do consider DGC6 in this. By the sounds of things it’s probably pretty much nailed on that at some point that child is going to be traumatically ditched by it’s mother too. You may well be wise to keep communication channels open for the sake of that child, with both parents.

Would the other DGC understand if you said you were attending only for the sake of that child?

I know it’s difficult but try not to draw a distinction between that child and the rest of the DC as it’s not that child’s fault and eventually they will suffer just as much as the rest of them.

Cornishclio · 06/06/2018 14:36

It not only sounds like she has trouble committing to marriage but also to her DC once they get past the baby stage. Much as I cannot imagine not going to my DDs wedding I can see why you would consider that this is a mistake and not feel like supporting it.

This is not your fault. Many kids grow up without a father figure, my own DH included and we have been married 36 years. His mother was a single parent and father left when he was a baby. He did not even meet him until his late teens and never had any input into his life.

I would have a frank conversation with your DD and ask her to hold off on this marriage until she is sure that her fiancé is the one. He is only 23 and if she is late 30s then there is substantial age gap but that is not the biggest issue. She has relationship problems with her DC which should take priority. I cannot believe she has walked away from 5 children. She needs to realise the damage she is doing to her DC.

squeaver · 06/06/2018 14:38

It might break her heart if her mother doesn't attend her fourth wedding, but it won't break her heart to permanently move away from her children.

There's no great psychological analysis to be done here, she's just a selfish bitch.

OP - you should be commended for all you've taken on and all you will be taking on. The same thing goes for her ex-husband.

Don't go to her wedding.

nolongerblue · 06/06/2018 14:39

When I read the title I was going to reply to lecture you on how painful it was when my dad, and hence my mum too, refused to go to my wedding.
But having read the post, hell, I wouldn't go to that wedding if I were you.
The children will probably see you as being supportive of them if you don't go, which is another reason not to, imo.

TimeToDash · 06/06/2018 14:41

I can see and understand why you want to boycott the wedding. But at the end of it all she's still your daughter. If it were me I'd go. At least she can't say at a later date that you weren't there for her even if you don't agree with what she's doing. She sounds like she needs to grow up! Poor kids, good job they have you.

Original poster

Miamihighsky · 06/06/2018 14:42

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel

I think you are right to give this wedding a miss, especially as her children don't want to go. Chances are it won't be the last one given her track record. In your position I would try to persuade her not have any more children as she really isn't a fit mother. Is exDH3 the biological father of all the children? If not, I wonder if you should consider legal guardianship or adoption of your grandchildren. I mean, is DH3 likely to get fed up looking after the DCs if they are not biologically his, especially if he meets someone new?

I don't think adoption would be an option for him. He's happy to look after the kids in the weekend.

Right now I need to know what DD wants for her DCs. They need a stable home, I am fine looking after them until they are ready to go on with their lives. I don't want my DGCs behind passed around from house to house as that was DDs plan at the start. She wanted me, DS and the God parents to look after the DGCs, I thought it would be better for them to have a house where they would just permanently stay and took on that responsibility. I don't think DD wants her DCs back in her life. It's makes me sick really.

OP posts:

PixelAteMe · 06/06/2018 14:43

I wouldn’t go. I couldn’t condone my DD abandoning five children for someone so young and immature that she is heading for yet another failed marriage, particularly as her affair and pregnancy with this fiancé led to the breakdown of her relationship with husband 3, who you say is a decent man.

I feel sorry for all the children involved, and for you OP. It must be very hard to watch your daughter behaving like this. Thank goodness you are there for the DC.

I don’t know if your DD has always been irresponsible, but she is obviously deeply flawed if she can step away from her children as easily as she leaves her marriages. Maybe therapy could help her, but first she would have to admit that she has a problem and that her behaviour isn’t normal or acceptable.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 06/06/2018 14:47

Miamihighsky thank goodness your DGC have you in their lives and yes I agree they need a stable home, not to be passed from pillar to post and if DH3 is happy to have them at the weekend to give you a break then that sounds like the best solution for now.

midnightmisssuki · 06/06/2018 14:48

@Whatshallidonoepeople nice bit ofnoarent blaming there could it be the daughter is just a spoilt brat who doesn’t care about her own children perhaps? Or must we always heap blame on the parents or the upbringing?

OP - I understand and i wouldnt go myself. It’s a hard decision, good luck.

user546425732 · 06/06/2018 14:51

personally i would go. i personally believe my role as a mother is to support my kids no matter how much i disagree with their choices.

^ This. I can understand why you are conflicted about going though.

melonscoffer · 06/06/2018 14:53

What are your thoughts on your daughter moving away and taking the youngest child with her?
This baby will need protecting from consequences of this marriage breaking down. Your daughter will be alone again with your young grandchild.

incywincybitofa · 06/06/2018 14:54

Are the twins going to be at the wedding?
I don't think you should go to the wedding but I do think you need to be firming up the children arrangements for the children in the middle
GC1 @17 can more or less choose
DT GC @5 are with their dad in a stable living environment?
The ones in the middle are in a very vulnerable place because in theory she could remove them from your care, without notice and if things got nasty it sounds like she is heartless enough to do that.

PooFlower · 06/06/2018 14:57

@whatshallidonowpeople
You really shouldn't be so judgemental.

OP when I read your op I thought about my dd. She is only a teenager at the moment but I can see her needing a lot of support in adulthood. She is a lovely kind girl but she doesn't think things through properly and we have a lot of drama with her. We are awaiting adhd assessment for her.
I personally would still go to the wedding. Although I do understand how hard it is having a child who can seem like their own worst enemy at times.

AnotherDayAnotherName745 · 06/06/2018 14:58

Do you ever tell her what's on your mind? Does she know that leaving 5 of her children with you and moving away may not be the best news you have ever had? If you're displeased, show it.
Be careful though, she may repeat to the DCs whatever you say - might be best to put the emphasis on how much they love and want her around rather than indicating that you're not completely happy to have them. It'd be awful if they felt as if the 2 of you were fighting because neither wanted them :-(.

Bluelady · 06/06/2018 15:00

I wouldn't go to the wedding. I don't believe in supporting my child unconditionally regardless of their choices.

bigKiteFlying · 06/06/2018 15:03

She wanted me, DS and the God parents to look after the DGCs, I thought it would be better for them to have a house where they would just permanently stay and took on that responsibility. I don't think DD wants her DCs back in her life. It's makes me sick really.

If you haven't already got it I'd look into legal guardianship of the older three .

I'm not sure what I would do about the wedding TBH - is she likely to cut contact if you don't go or just be a bit disappointed? - but can see why you're not keen.

Original poster

Miamihighsky · 06/06/2018 15:04

incywincybitofa

In the beginning DD wanted them to be bridesmaid. I told her it wouldn't be a good idea and I doubt exH1 would be OK with it. She does want them to attend. She's invited most of the family. From what I'm aware of the only people who aren't happy to attend are her DCs and me.

I'm starting to think maybe I should go and try to persuade the DGCs to come as well. Try and mend the break that has happened in the relationship between them. She does love them and has been giving me money ( even though I refused it at first) to help look after them. It's the fiance that's the main problem for me. If she was marrying again and the kids where happy then I would attend.

OP posts:

Angie169 · 06/06/2018 15:06

I would go to the wedding but take a back seat when it comes to the wedding / party / arrangements / whole mother of the bride thing .
Go as a guest but nothing more than that.
Two reasons for this,
1, this may just be the one marriage that works . ( though tbh I doubt it will )
2, in years to come regardless as to if the marriage works , you do not what her to be able to throw the fact that you did not go so do not love her / support her etc .
This is very obviously not the case but things can get said in anger.

AnotherDayAnotherName745 · 06/06/2018 15:10

I think I'd go, I know how you feel, but if this marriage lasts a few years you don't want a difficult atmosphere for years because you made a stand.
I also think that tho her DCs don't want to go, they might be persuaded if you go, and even if you all make excuses and only stay a short while, they'll probably feel better about doing that afterwards, than being angry and skipping the whole thing.
Life goes on, and family is family - this stupid wedding only bothers you because you love all of them (except the groom..!) - if it was me I'd feel more sad not going, even if I thought the wedding was a stupid idea.

diddl · 06/06/2018 15:12

" I am now having to look after her older DCs as they don't want to live with her. "

How has this come about?

She might love them but she seems to only consider herself.

How does loving them square with moving away & leaving them?

nellieellie · 06/06/2018 15:12

No one knows what goes on in a marriage it’s true, but her reaction to the DCs is just not on. I would say, given she’s dumped the DCs on you without any thought, it IS your business who she marries if this marriage means she leaves her kids with you. Your decision. If you think you might regret not going, I’d say go. Keep a low profile, go to ceremony then slink off. If you really can’t, then that’s fine too. Sorry. Must be horrid.

Fruitcorner123 · 06/06/2018 15:12

. I would also encourage the DC to suck it up and go

I disagree entirely with this. I think it's easy to say don't go but I can see why it's hard for you to do. However I would under no circumstances force the DCs to go. They are sure they don't want to please don't make them go.

Why not speak to them and if they genuinely don't mind then go. If it would hurt them then don't go and let DD know you are not going and why. Presumably they will be with exH3 on the day.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 06/06/2018 15:14

I would do whatever would benefit my grandchildren the most

This is absolutely the right thing here. ^

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