To not want to attend daughters wedding

[Miamihighsky]

From the post title it may seem like I'm a terrible mother but please allow me to explain.

My DD is getting married later this year. This is her 4th marriage and she's in her late 30s. Her second exH unfortunately died. She cheated on her first and 3rd exH. My daughter doesn't seem to care much about marriage.

My main problem is that the man she is marrying was a man that he had an affair with while being married to her exH3. ExH3 was a great man. He really looked after DD during the mourning of her exH. He has been a great father to the kids and they were devastated when they found out about the divorce. ExH3 is now looking after their kids because DD just doesn't care. She's recently had her 6th child with her fiance and the whole thing is a bit of a mess. She only really ended the relationship after she found out that she was pregnant with the om's child so the whole thing is a bit rushed.

I don't get on with her fiance at all. He's 23 years old and is too immature to be a husband and a father. It has got to stage where I am now having to look after her older DCs as they don't want to live with her. She seems not to care at all. She just wants ' a new start'. She's planning to move away and leave me looking after the DC permanently. They aren't a problem and exH3 takes care of them in the weekends and is a big help however when will this all stop? This marriage will not last and she will then meet another man and marriage number 5. She should've never had a child with him so early. She's only thinking about herself and nobody else.

She has recently invited me to her wedding including her DC who have refused to go. I am also planning on missing it. I know it will most likely break my DDs heart that me or her kids can't go however I've had enough. I just don't approve of the marriage. Some of my friends have told me that should just go to the wedding because she my DD however I've already been to 3, I think that's enough.

You've said that you've had enough which I think that's perfectly ok and that's your reason not to go. She's left her children in the care of other people and I'd say your DGC feel abandoned. She cannot expect you or your DGC to attend. Nearly 4 marriages and 6 children. Where will it end? Will you be left with even more of her children to take care of? You're a very good GP.

I'm starting to think maybe I should go and try to persuade the DGCs to come as well. Try and mend the break that has happened in the relationship between them. She does love them and has been giving me money ( even though I refused it at first) to help look after them. It's the fiance that's the main problem for me. If she was marrying again and the kids where happy then I would attend.

But they aren't, and that's hugely important.

If you decided you want to go that's one thing, but I don't think it's fair to persuade them to do anything. They are old enough to know what they want and as their mother has demonstrated that she doesn't really give a shiny shit about their best interests when they conflict with what she wants they have decided they don't want to go. You trying to persuade them when they have stated they don't want to go just suggests you're putting your DDs wants over their needs, just like she does.

Please put them first. They are really lucky to have a GM that has gone so above and beyond for them and it's just not worth damaging your relationship with them over this. They need that stability.

It isn't your job to 'mend' their relationship. It's hers. But instead of doing that she cares more about marrying someone a mere 6 years older than her eldest and having a new baby.

Never mind the wedding, does she pay you any child support?

Yanbu. What a mess. She has “no intention” of taking her dcs back? Fucking hell. That’s a disgrace.

As pp have said, I would leave it up to the DGC, who are mostly old enough to know what they want. If they wanted to go, I would accompany them, but since they don't seem to want to, I wouldn't push it. There's no way I would be going if it would upset DGC.

Oh sorry you’ve already said that she does pay you some support.

I would go i think, but not before making it explicitly clear - both to your DD and to your DGCs - that you do not approve of your DD's behaviour. I would make clear that while you are happy to provide a loving and stable home for the children, you cannot possibly pretend to be happy about the fact that the reason they came to be your responsibility in the first place was that their own mother chose to abandon them.

Whatshallidonowpeople
It's OP's business because she is raising this "woman's" children. And deserting her children isn't something one can just blame on their childhood - we don't get to blame our childhoods for acting like cunts.

OP you are an angel, and a wonderful grandmother and mother. No, you don't have to go to this wedding. Your daughter's behaviour with her children is outrageous and if you don't want to support it (and they don't) then don't!

I wouldn't go, mainly because of the way she's treat her children... choosing a man over them is not ok!

No I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t feed guilty. You’ve been to enough of her weddings!

That's a very difficult decision, so much pain has been caused to you, your grandkids, and ExH3. YANBU for not wanting to go or to in feeling conflicted in this mess.

As someone who was dragged to my serial cheater father's weddings...if the kids don't want to go, don't. I still remember the last wedding of his I went to, I was 17, it was the last time I saw a lot of the people...and I still have bad memories of those 36 hours trying to remind people my siblings and I exist (as an example: my brother has a lot of difficulties eating and it seemed no one thought to consider what he could eat so he was left all day with little to eat) and unable to shake the feeling that people were celebrating his years of adultery, that my mother had been shunned, that I was soon to be homeless (like your daughter, my father was selling the house I lived in to move in nearly a day away in a house too small and many there knew I couldn't live with my mother as that happened rather publically with police and things). It didn't mend anything between us, if anything it made things a lot worse. If one or more wants to go, I would make sure they were supported and a way to get out if something happened.

And, having seen both my parents happily have their 'fresh starts', yeah it stings and it sometimes doesn't matter what open lines you keep because they'll make it toxic, I don't think you can make people care and I wouldn't go if it hinges on the hope that she's going to change at some point. I know I'm biased, but she's long been old enough to know better and there are plenty of people with a range of mental health illnesses and horrific childhoods (which it doesn't really sound like the situation here) who manage not to abandon their kids and marriages for their own wants and plenty of assholes who see nothing wrong with it. I'm glad the OP's grandkids have her and others to help try to deal with the aftermath of all of this.

Hi lass, can I just say your awesome.

No, if the kids have stated they won't go then don't - they need the support from being abandoned.

Honest question though?

Are you being supported (child tax, family benefit/adoption etc) as that Money Is for the kids and hopefully goes to you to help fund their needs etc?

(I don't know how it works?)

Good luck to you and the kids

Yanbu op. I would be so ashamed she has the morals of a tramp. Sorry op to say that but shes disgraceful.

I wouldn't go.
I'm sorry, you must be an amazing grandmother but she should be putting her children first not men! This really winds me up when women do this. Do not have kids if you aren't prepared to look after them. She obviously has issues with being alone. When i first started reading i thought YABU but 100% now think you aren't.

The children need legal protection from this woman. In six months she may change her mind and say she wants them back before then changing it back again. I would save the money from a hat and see a solicitor with a view to gaining some legal rights over their well-being.

Poor you and poor children.

You said that because she grew up without a father, you take the blame for how she is. You absolutely shouldn't. This is not your fault and for what it's worth if you are looking after your grandchildren then you are a lovely selfless human being to give them stability and love. I'm 33 & I don't know my dad, my mum used to abuse me mentally and physically and I think I've grown up just fine, she needs to take responsibility for her life and not blame anyone else or make excuses for the choices she makes. You are not wrong at all. X

I think the children might find it pretty hard if you do not go

How come when they dont want to go either?

Wow, OP, thank goodness you were able to step up and do right by your GC.

I totally get how you feel about being seen to condone her new marriage and abandonment of her children. I think if you explain that they will need you around on the day of the wedding to support them, and give her your best wishes, hopefully she'll understand why you can't attend.

I'm quite shocked by her attitude, and it takes quite a lot to shock me. I'm so glad the children have you looking out for them.

She sounds like a bloody nightmare, and I don't blame you for not seeing this as a celebratory occasion

Don't go if you can't or don't want to. Don't equate going or not going as either approving or disapproving of the marriage, though. She's an adult and will do as she pleases.
I can't help but think her life wouldn't seem so chaotic if her second husband hadn't have died, how sad for her.
As for the abandoning her children for a man, if you weren't looking after them, what would she do? She would have no choice but to step up to her responsibilities, surely?

Any of your business what goes on between a married couple and I wonder what happened in her upbringing that made her like this?

How supportive! Of course it's her business when she's left looking after the children!

It's the fiance that's the main problem for me

What’s the problem with him? I think most people on here are coming from the position that your daughter’s behaviour is the problem so that’s a bit of a curveball. If you’re not going because you don’t like him and he knows that, you might want to consider the extreme likelihood that in a couple of years he may well have full custody of DGC6 with DD out of the picture....

My mums step sister was married 7 times. They are all redivorcing, marriaging, and the American section of the family is amazing.... exes meet with exes to drop kids off, parenting classes for divorced parents. So you had a baby young, without help, and she did too, and got married. It's no big deal to what anyone thinks other than her and the kids..... JaneyEJones said just go and smile and have a drink and go home.... You are a brilliant mum - and your daughter has gone through a lot with births, deaths and marriages. My super prim and proper aunt who wrote to me to tell me to get married (so easy to find a decent husband, novel idea of hers) she has 6 married off. My mother has none. In the past year she is at 50%........ Even the queen went to Charles's wedding.

How can your daughter be such a fool for romantic love?

What about taking them to the actual ceremony but leaving very shortly afterwards? I think that's what I would do.

A compromise, and then your DD and the children can't say they didn't attend the wedding.

It's not your job to judge her. It kind of is when you're left raising her 5 kids because of her feckless behaviour.

I don't blame you for not wanting to go. In not going, you're supporting your grandchildren.

What would your grandchildren like you to do? That's what I would do.