He left

[WhatIsHappiness]

I've NC but I posted before about DH being confused, wanted a break, etc. This has been going on for 6 months, during my pregnancy, and last night he left us.
He said he needs space to think about what he wants but we are not getting divorced.

AIBU to tell him that I don't want him back? He made it clear that he doesn't want to separate so what is the bloody point of having a break? I still can't understand how someone could simply leave his DC (newborn and one in junior school) just like that!

What, do you really believe that you could ever trust him to be a loyal and dependable partner ever again after this?

He expected you to sit silently while he went off on a sex jolly for a few weeks then he probably expected after he was bored he could walk back into his family and just say the time away showed me how much I love you and the kids.

You ruined his plans and now he is panicking!

Don't ever ever give him another chance to treat you this badly ever again.

See his behaviour not his words.

whatis - I had an early start this morning for work and hoped that the thread would have some good positive vibes and it has. it will be up and down that's for sure but you just have to take it as it comes now and keep your focus on the important things - yourself and your children.

I don't buy all the midlife crisis BS meaning you have to run off and sleep around. Everyone has an age when they realise that there are more years behind them than in front. its horrible and you realise the fragility of life. but what you also realise is how truly lucky you are to have certain people in your life and that that is what matters - not the numbers on a card. and sure we all do some things that are a bit crazy but nothing that hurts other people. that's not a midlife crisis its a midlife selfish.

keep talking to those around you in real life and hopefully next week you can get some decent legal advice. but be prepared - he hasn't gone through the unkempt/hangdog phase or the "you are bonkers" phase yet as per the script. and he will but you will be ready for it.

Screwing with your spouses's emotions whilst she's pregnant because you're 'not sure what you want', then ditching her a newborn and child, then fabricating these actions as 'we' decided to take a break (and no, you don't 'take a break' from your family, you leave them by doing that, confusing the fuck out of any child old enough to remember), then expecting you to bear all that alone without saying anything to anyone, then further expecting one's family to sit by the sidelines whilst you leave and screw around and the icing on the cherry, expecting that family to accept you back when you please with nary a quibble is just that.

It's not a 'mid-life crisis', it's a dickheaded, douchebag, selfish, wanker thing to do.

You take him back and he'll see it as a carte blanche to behave how he likes, after all, the way he sees it, he has a lot of making up to do seeing other people and doing as he pleases since, in his opinion, he missed out on life.

My brother came round and we were talking about the fact that it will never be the same again! This has changed our lives forever.

I don't know what the future holds but I will make sure my children are happy. I've seen so many strong single mums out there and they are all nailing this parenting malarkey. This week was difficult, emotional and stressful, but eldest got to school and activities on time everyday, baby had milk whenever needed (basically all day and most of the night) and we managed.

Maybe one day (distant future), we could be together again,

That's the thin edge of the wedge, next you'll be imagining some happy ending, which will never happen in real life :(

My ex told a friend, very indignantly..."It was typical of Juells to go off half-cocked! She only had to be patient and I'd have got over the infatuation."

Women, they be crazy.

@Juells Come on, I can't believe you didn't wait for him?! 😂😂😂

No patience, I'm a fool to myself

His family has actually told me that I was too patient and should have said something to them months ago, instead of waiting this long! We can never be perfect! Lol

He's a cock. Don't envision a future with him, because it'll be shit since he believes he's entitled to do whatever the fuck he wants because he lost out. Diddums.

Don't fall for his promises.

Just remember how quickly he jettisoned the lot of you. 15 years and he ditched it in months.

Happiness glad to read all the updates and that you have so much support.

Was just talking to the friend I mentioned upthread. She has just found out that her xDH will not be moving in with OW because she "doesn't take commitment seriously" (O the irony) and the general impression is she dumped him. Maybe once she realised his wife had no interest in having him back and was filing for divorce his value went down in the OWs eyes.

Bottom line now he had neither his wife or OW.

Movablefeast serves the bastard right!

The total delusional disconnect of this man. After telling her he hadn't loved her for a long time while the OW was the love of his life and they were destined to be together he was shocked when she filed for divorce.

One time (separated and seeing OW) he told my friend with a very face that he was hurt she didn't "fight for him" !!! So narcisscistic.

He might be having a breakdown. Things get to much and we don't know how to process it all....

sort your money out, see a lawyer. I don't know that many single parents nailing it. I think it looks incredibly hard.

He's not having a breakdown, He's been very cheerful for the past six months, looking after himself and buying new clothes. Not the signs of a breakdown.

Hi OP - I know it probably doesn't help much, but I just wanted to let you know that I think you are amazing. You have grown yourself the most impressive, swinging pair of ladyballs ever, and their jingling can be heard in Australia - while his can be heard shrivelling and desiccating from misuse. Once again, as I stated before, I am so very proud of you. You are being the best mum you can be - and the best human. You are being a wonderful example to your kids and to others who will no doubt go through this after you. It is after all, a song that has been sung before, isn't it? I'm so sorry that someone as excellent as you is going through this, and your previously awesome man has become a shitty little cliche as he has aged. You deserve the very best of the very best and I have no doubt that as time wounds all heels, you will find it. x

Everything absolutely everyone has said!

I wouldn't block him for the texts. If he writes anything rude, unreasonable, untrue or whatever, it is evidence showing his character and treatment of you and this will potentially be useful.

Keep a diary of everything you are doing as a parent and everything he is making crazy f-ing difficult, interrupting your children's lives. Feeding interrupted and baby trouble sleeping, demanding you express milk when that doesn't work for you and therefore asking for a situation that is not best for the baby, leaving your older child without an explanation and confused, all the irresponsible and thoughtless/harmful things he is doing. Note it all and keep whatever evidence you have.

Don't do anything that could be called unreasonable, impetuous or unpleasant, because he can use that against you. So the alarm on the house for safety idea yes, changing locks not so much. Don't contact his family. Don't write things on social media.

Write down everything you recall about the flirty texts you saw, dates, what they said, who she is, all supportive of you.

Even better re contact with him, if he admits to bad behaviour especially re OW or deserting/lying, he has just made a case against himself, so keep this and I wouldn't be afraid to let a written exchange go this way to be honest! If he admits to his character and any of the many things he has done, you have proof and a stronger position.

So sorry to see what you are going through OP. A friend is currently having similar - DH of 10+ years moping around for months because "having children is boring/he thinks he might be depressed" (but refuses to seek help and can happily manage a weekend away with OW, while she's a SAHM). He moved out to "find himself" and then got cross when she sought legal advice to put financial arrangements in place, saying he'd probably have decided to move back in a few months once he'd had his fun . He is a twat of the highest order like your husband and you are being absolutely amazing! Don't let him continue to call the shots about all your lives, and let him deal with the consequences of his selfishness.
and for you

Good morning!

I still can't believe how common this whole break/OW script is. They all sound so similar and lacking creativity!

Thank you for all the messages and support. Guess what? I will survive!

Morning lovely!

Hope you and the baby had a restful night.

Yes to what @LuMarie said. If you can keep cool and keep a record of things then I think that’s what I would try to do.

@sierra, what a bellend your friend’s ex is. Imagine her needing money for, you know, food and bills . They honestly think, if they just saunter off, they can magically cancel out their responsibilities and their children no longer require any money to live on. Fuckwits all.

What a shit. I detest the way he is trying to rework this to you. Ffs does he think you're stupid?

Does your son know what the situation is now? It would be a shame if he inadvertently heard on the grapevine now family/friends know.

I too think you’re being amazing OP! Bet he is reeling now the reality of family saying ‘you WHAT????? You left your wife child and NEW-BORN BABY???!?’ Starts to sink in.

It is so manipulative to try and get you to keep it ‘private’ because what he really wants to say is:

‘I know I’m behaving like a grade-one asshole, but my public persona is vair, vair important to me and if people know how much I’m treating you like shit they might actually have to KNOW I’m an asshole which would be, like, awkward for me. So could you just suck up and absorb all the pain and hurt and not make any moves to protect yourself or move on as obviously my freedom’n’feelz are much more important than your LIFE?’

What a dick.

and all important breastfeeding fuel for you.

I mean, just imagine the reverse, your friend pops in a few weeks after having a baby and you’re all ‘haright, Mary, you’re looking very well, how was the new house move, gosh that new mortgage must be stressful, but most importantly, HOW IS THE GORGEOUS NEW BABY??!!’

Mary: ‘Aw, thanks Julie hun. Eh... yeah I think the house is fine, thanks, a lot of work for Colin unpacking and that, plus he’s quite busy with the baby. Who I think is fine btw, but not actually sure cos I left them all the other day, you know how it goes.’

Julie: ‘....sorry, did you just say you... you LEFT THEM?’

Mary: ‘Aye, well it was all quite stressful there, and anyway I just had this feeling that I needed to be, you know, FREE, and Nigel - you know my new sexy bez from Work who really understands me - thought it’d be better if I just made a clean break. And I really want to give him the ride, so, y’know...’

Julie: ‘but what about your older child???’

Mary: ‘Um... I dunno really, haven’t really chatted much. But I REALLY don’t want Colin to let me down so I’ve told him he has to make something good up and cover me. You know, because he has a responsibility to the kids not to fuck them up.’

Julie:

I mean CAN YOU IMAGINE a woman doing this?!?!

Sorry just popping back to say I’m sure some women have done similar but surely rarely compared to all these illustrations of men doing it fairly routinely?!?!