He left

[WhatIsHappiness]

I've NC but I posted before about DH being confused, wanted a break, etc. This has been going on for 6 months, during my pregnancy, and last night he left us.
He said he needs space to think about what he wants but we are not getting divorced.

AIBU to tell him that I don't want him back? He made it clear that he doesn't want to separate so what is the bloody point of having a break? I still can't understand how someone could simply leave his DC (newborn and one in junior school) just like that!

expatinscotland
My aim was to say to OP that it isn't always other women that cause changes in care about appearance, to say that perhaps he isn't with this other women.
I explained about my son to show that men can act ridiculously and start to care what they look like for reasons not concerning other women.
Maybe I'm too hopeful that the OP husband isn't with this other woman and he is in fact having an early mid life crisis.

;My aim was to say to OP that it isn't always other women that cause changes in care about appearance, to say that perhaps he isn't with this other women.'

Have you just not bothered to read the thread? She has already stated, many times, that he has become close to another woman, he told her in the past he wanted to 'take a break' to see other women, then he admitted he had fallen for this 'best friend' from work and wanted to try life with her. Hello?!

expatinscotland
You are getting what I said wrong. I'm all for shouting from the rooftops any thing OP want to shout.
I'll help shout.
I'm not telling her what to do or say.

I made an innocuos remark that the phone calls might also get her some support.
There seemed to be little mention of any family coming over to comfort and help, which is what we would hope to happen with a newborn in the mix.

As I say, a lot of posts flooded in very quickly when this thread was first posted and many have crossed, got out of the order they were posted in, and lots was said all at once by loads of people.
I'm always hopeful that families can eventually stay together. Perhaps not in some cases.

I missed the bit about him def being with this woman.
What a shame he's so selfish and short sighted.

'I'm always hopeful that families can eventually stay together. Perhaps not in some cases.'

Yeah, we know. It's patently clear from your posts that you're all about people putting up with someone who treats them with utter disregard and disrespect, minimise the appalling treatment meted out by their spouses, screw around with their kids' lives as they come and go in the interest of 'families staying together'.

This person ditched his family. He put his spouse through months of emotional turmoil, in which she, whilst pregnant, made a one-sided attempt to 'keep the family together', but he left. Permitting such behaviour means a dysfunctional family stays together.

Can't imagine anyone actually encourages that.

It's always good to read the entire thread. He admitted to his cousin that he had fallen for the woman at work. Also that he wanted to try life with her.

His behaviour is not to be tolerated. It is just so harsh on the OP and children.
I've been married thirty years, I've patience of a saint. I've never been a pushover and I expected high standards from my husband.
I wouldn't put up with this in my marriage.
It is just so sad that so many families split up nowadays and so many people are hurt.

expatinscotland ^ Yeah, we know. It's patently clear from your posts that you're all about people putting up with someone who treats them with utter disregard and disrespect, minimise the appalling treatment meted out by their spouses, screw around with their kids' lives as they come and go in the interest of 'families staying together'.*

Well not me or my opinion at all. Working things out as a family to become a stable unit is what I mean.
Your description sounds awful, who would advocate that scenario.

@expatinscotland you have got it spot on!

@melonscoffer I also believe that families should stay together. For the past 6 months, that's exactly what I have tried to do, to keep my family together for the sake of the children. I understand what you said about midlife crisis and change in behaviour. I believe his behaviour changed because of midlife crisis and also because he started getting attention from other women, he admitted himself. I'm not sure which one started first but I gave him enough time to sort himself out, stop talking to this female friend and focus on his family. After over 6 months of being so understanding and patient, like a fool, he still needed a break and left us!

In short, this is what happened, as summarised by @expatinscotland:

The OP's husband is the one who started all this, if you read her OP and second post again, he got close to another woman, started waffling about leaving the OP who was pregnant at the time, bragged to the OP that he is attractive to other women and can get them, left her and their two children including one who is a newborn, announced to her that hey, he wasn't leaving her, they were just 'taking a break' so he could date other people.

whatishappiness

How are you feeling this evening?
Although you have had a run up to this happening it must be an awful shock.
I, and I am sure many mumsnet posters are thinking of you this evening.

@melonscoffer I'm shocked, upset, devastated and heartbroken. I still can't believe he had the "guts" to leave his family, just like that.
However I need to keep it together for the sake of my children. I don't want this to affect the emotional wellbeing of our eldest DC or my milk supply for the baby.

I still can't believe he had the "guts" to leave his family, just like that.

It's not guts, it's a serious lack of cojones. It's cowardliness and an inability to maintain his responsibilities.

Agree with what @sussex just said. You are the strong one op. He is just a ridiculous and weak little man. He should be disgusted at himself. You sound fab.

OP you sound amazing.
I'm another survivor of twatty exh. Went away when dd2 was 3 weeks old to "figure out what he wanted" & it turned out it was a dirty weekend with OW.
Took 3 more months to get him out. Mixture of not knowing/disbelief and the worst Christmas ever.
3 years on our little family of 3 are doing amazingly.
Dd1 (7 now) does find it tough from time to time without daddy & wishes he would still live with us for a couple of days after they stay with him - but bounces back well.
Dd2 is a mummy's girl- but she's never known any different.
Focus on you and the children. My mantra and response to everything he said was "You chose this"

whatishappiness.
What a downright pig he is . Milk supply for your newborn, he must know it might affect the feeding of his own child.
muddlingalongalone has posted great advice.
We're all here for you.

WhatIsHappiness you’re amazing! Keep doing what you’re doing.

‘The darkest hour is just before the dawn’

whatis - you are in shock. you are in mourning for the relationship that you once had and it is like a death - just horrible and gut wrenching and always there in your mind.

but, going out there getting stuck in and finding out all the information that you need, getting the support of family and friends. that is a really strong and positive thing to do.

look at it from his point of view. in his mind up until now this has all been about what HE wants, what HE needs and how HE feels. he has made up a whole narrative about this with plenty of examples as he sees it to "justify" what he has done. But and heres the rub, you just wouldn't come quietly would you. you wouldn't just agree with everything he said, play the pick me dance, tell him your life had ended. and suddenly its not all about him. the made up narrative has been blown out of the water and he can see his life for what it is - sad. He has risked everything and lost and at the moment is probably feeling total disbelief. OP write lists of what you need to do, get out and about with your kids, speak to as many people for support as you can. you will get through this with dignity intact. he wont.

02.15 am whatishappiness
Maybe you're awake with your baby? If so then hi,
hope you're having a slightly better night.
Wishing you a calm weekend.

@Muddlingalongalone what's wrong with men and why do they change after having a baby? Only now I'm realising how common it is for them to use the same script and decide to leave us out of the blue! Ridiculous! I'm sorry you also had to go through this.

@SussexMedley @RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb That's a better way of putting it! It's not a bravery act, it's actually being a coward!

@melonscoffer Hello!
I still can't believe he's not here. It's actually very hard looking at the empty pillow beside me. Luckily I've got a beautiful baby to keep me company when my other DC is sleeping, at school, etc.

@mummymeister Before starting this thread, I was starting to believe it was my fault that he left us, and I couldn't understand how I "drove him away". I'm not saying we were a perfect couple and never any problems, but everyone (including me) thought of us like a great couple that loved each other, etc.

Shame his "sharp tongue burst my bubble" and now I can see what's truly going on! I've lost count how many times I listened to this song:

I'm still awake since last feed. Even the baby is getting more sleep than me!

I’m up with baby too. Keeping you company 😁