He left

[WhatIsHappiness]

I've NC but I posted before about DH being confused, wanted a break, etc. This has been going on for 6 months, during my pregnancy, and last night he left us.
He said he needs space to think about what he wants but we are not getting divorced.

AIBU to tell him that I don't want him back? He made it clear that he doesn't want to separate so what is the bloody point of having a break? I still can't understand how someone could simply leave his DC (newborn and one in junior school) just like that!

Although it was horrible that you had to go through pregnancy and birth with all that "should I go or should I stay" shit going on, in ways it did you a favour. If this had come out of the blue, wanting a bit of space mightn't have seemed more reasonable and you'd have agreed. But you've had months of it, and it hasn't improved, so now you know it will go on forever, as long as you pander to it. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

might have seemed more reasonable

I'm so sorry OP

Where and who is he going to live with now?
Would you take him back? If so then don't tell your child.
Do you think he will come back?
Maybe he'll be back in a few days time. You said you thought he would turn round and come back.
I would not tell your child about all this yet.
If you are prepared to have him back then keep things stable for the children while you find out detail and decide if this split is permanent.

Unfortunately looking after his appearance etc usually means another women.
Sometimes it is a strike for independence away from being just Daddy. Looking like one of the lads again.
How old is he?

Old enough to know you can't take a break from being a parent, unless you want your children in care.

It's funny his sad reaction! Precisely when you have woken up to his shenanigans and aren't playing along to his script. Right now in his playbook you should be wailing and gnashing your teeth fighting for him to pick you.

Ha fucking ha, good for you for seeing through the act OP.

Oh no, he's not happy that I told his family. I "thought" they knew LOL. Surprise surprise nobody had a clue. DH's sister called the other sister, she texted me and they are all shocked.

I'm now enjoying a little coffee break while he has the children. I put on a bright outfit, make up, etc.
When he came to get the children, he said:
"Why did you tell my sister? Why did you make it public? I thought we were going to deal with this privately?"
I explained very calmly that I thought they knew and that I didn't want the fact that he left home to interfere with DC's relationship with his family. He wasn't pleased, what a shame!

@melonscoffer we are both mid-30s. I am aware we got married young, just after we turned 20, but he can't suddenly tell me that. Actually it's one of the reasons that he needs a break now, he told me "we got married too young, we didn't have time to enjoy ourselves and go out with other people before we got married, etc."

Just to make it clear, it was his idea to get married when we did, I was happy to wait longer. I wasn't sure at the time, so I made sure it took us a while to have children. We had the eldest after being married for over 5 years and the baby after nearly 15 years. Surely he had enough time before children to see whether he really wanted to be married!!

God he’s a prat, isn’t he?

'When he came to get the children, he said:
"Why did you tell my sister? Why did you make it public? I thought we were going to deal with this privately?"
I explained very calmly that I thought they knew and that I didn't want the fact that he left home to interfere with DC's relationship with his family. He wasn't pleased, what a shame!'

Gawd, what a fucking wanker. He really knows how to square everything away in his mind to make him come off as the good guy, doesn't he? 'We' are on break, 'we' were going to deal with this privately.

You know what it means? It means, to him: What, I am fucking another woman, and like every other spoony it's someone I met at work. I want to see if the grass is greener, but that would make me an arsehole if I just jettisoned you and my kids . . . so what I'm going to do is spin this round in my head and turn it into a break that we mutually agreed on, but don't tell anyone in case I decide I prefer you to her.'

So in addition to ditching you all for his piece of arse, he's also wanting you to choke on it and deal with it all on your own so he doesn't look like a bad guy. Well he is. He's a dickhead.

'You don't control me and what I do. 'We' didn't agree anything, not a break, not 'dealing with things privately, nothing. YOU left to see if it things would fly with your other woman.'

He's been dicking you around for over 6 months. Read back your original OP and your first post after that.

He will tell you it was 'only' an emotional affair so you'll take him back because he's been caught out.

You're worth more than that.

'Actually it's one of the reasons that he needs a break now, he told me "we got married too young, we didn't have time to enjoy ourselves and go out with other people before we got married, etc." '

I'm still LOL @ 'needs a break so I can fuck other people', then come back to you if I find out it's not all it's cracked up to be. The man's a legend in his own mind.

Honestly- these men who do this must be thick as pig shit. You can’t go back in time and fuck around because you didn’t first time round. You fuckwit.

What does he think? He can just pretend his marriage and children never happened and he’ll suddenly have no responsibilities. Good luck with that numb nuts.

Oh my ex was always veeerry uncomfortable with the idea of me ever talking to anyone else about our relationship. He used to make me feel like it would be a betrayal and dishonest of me if I spoke to anyone about anything that happened. If I’d opened up to someone earlier then maybe it wouldn’t have taken me so long to realise what an abusive twat he was.

After we broke up he tried to caution me against telling anyone any details because ‘only you and I know what really happened’ and so anyone else’s opinion would be irrelevant. Luckily I ignored them and my friends and family all rallied around me to help. I did avoid telling his family anything but they clearly pieced it together on their own, and his sister sent me a huge box of chocolates and some wine with a note saying she couldn’t believe what had happened. Last I heard, they weren’t speaking...

He's going to beg and plead soon then come threats and general wankery.

Please see a solicitor ASAP to ensure you have custody nailed down and support from Mr Twatwaffle because it looks like his only concern is himself.

If you are sure that this is the end. This is early days and things might change.
If you are sure then;
Phone everyone in the family/friends and tell the truth about his abandonment, but, has it been mentioned that you should tell friends and family so that they can rally round and support you?

From some of OP posts it seems telling everyone is just to show what a shit he is.
If you have family who are likely to help and come and see you and your children then everyone will need to know.
If you don't have that sort of family then it is difficult to cope alone but not impossible.
Priority for phone calls would be the bank for half of any joint money and then a solicitor.

Actually you need more than half any joint money because there are three of you to feed and support.
Not sure you should take more than half though.
What is he doing about money for your and the childrens food/nappies this week?

'From some of OP posts it seems telling everyone is just to show what a shit he is.'

He is. And she said she had no one to talk to.

Minimising this person's actions isn't wise.

whatishappiness

Mid thirties, he is, as perhaps you and others have mentioned going back to his twenties to relive what he percieves he has missed.
Not necessarily another woman, although obviously it wouldn't be a surprise.

For example my son hasn't got another woman he's just acting like an idiot because he is free now.
My adult son is mid thirties and has decided that he's a teenager again and has started dressing like one and talking in a "down with the kids" type of accent.
He thinks he is taking the world by storm and that every Night Club is just waiting for his entrance. However it isn't because of another woman.
He split with his wife at Christmas, her choice, he wasn't acting like a teenager back then.
We later found that she was having an affair, he hasn't bothered to look for someone new yet.

melon, this man is not your son, and he has already admitted to the OP that he has got close to another woman, then to a family member that he wanted to try life with another woman. There's another woman on the scene in this instance.

The OP's husband is the one who started all this, if you read her OP and second post again, he got close to another woman, started waffling about leaving the OP who was pregnant at the time, bragged to the OP that he is attractive to other women and can get them, left her and their two children including one who is a newborn, announced to her that hey, he wasn't leaving her, they were just 'taking a break' so he could date other people.

If that's not being a shit, I'd hate to see what your definition of one is.

What age is your older child? I somehow got the idea he was only four or five, but it seems he's older from your last post?

expatinscotland The phone calls should tell what a shit he is but not be the only reason to tell people.
I am not minimising his actions, of course people should know what he has done.
My words meant that the phone calls should be more than just to tell the bad news and that in addition phoning people may get some support for OP.
I saw this post when it first came on, there's been a lot of traffic on here to read since then.

'expatinscotland The phone calls should tell what a shit he is but not be the only reason to tell people.'

The phone calls can be for whatever reason the OP wishes. She has the right to act however she pleases because her husband left her with two little kids to check out life with another woman. She doesn't have to cover for him or hide anything about his behaviour, nothing.

She said she needed support and she also wanted to pave the way for her children to have a relationship with them.

But it's beside the point, she doesn't owe this man anything. He's treated his family absolutely appallingly.

expatinscotland
He's a shit.
He's a shit.
Never did i say he wasn't .
I said that the phone calls shouldn'tjust be about telling people he's a shit but may garner some support.

I think I am trying to look at this in a kind way and suggest that he may not be with this other woman. As far as I am aware OP isn't definite on that being the case yet.

'I said that the phone calls shouldn'tjust be about telling people he's a shit but may garner some support.

I think I am trying to look at this in a kind way and suggest that he may not be with this other woman. As far as I am aware OP isn't definite on that being the case yet.'

They should be for WHATEVER reason the OP wants. It's her life and her relationship. He's the one who's morally bankrupt. If she wants to announce it on Twitter, there's not a jot morally wrong with that.

It's ridiculous to suggest the OP censor her own life and her reaction out of this out of some misplaced kindness when she's been dumped by her husband with two little kids after being dicked about for 6 months whilst she was pregnant whilst this guy got close to some gal at work.

And *please, RTFT, there is another woman. He has admitted it.