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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is it cruel to send the DC for 6 weeks in the Summer hols to the holidays club

966 replies

whatwouldbe · 06/06/2018 05:37

I am unable to get any annual leave over the summer which means DC will have to spend the entire summer school hols (6 weeks) in a holiday club. 8:30 - 17:30.

it wasn't planned like that, I was hoping to get 1 weeks off in between but could not.

Several friends and my mum told me that this is cruel. That the DC need a break and downtime. I have no friends who could have the DC for a few days and no family to help (my mum is ill and cannot physically do it).

DC dad cannot have them either (long backstory).

working from home is not an option in my line of work.

It is not a choice for me. I really wanted to spend a few days with them at home. It's not only shit for them, it's alse shit for me. all friends have nice holidays planned and we cannot even have some chilled days at home. but there is nothing I can do.

please tell me you have done it too and that it is ok. I feel really awful after DM and some friends made these remarks.

OP posts:
Alienspaceship · 06/06/2018 05:39

They need in a break in the same way adults do. Those are long days too. The thing is, at holiday clubs they don’t have any time to just chill and relax. Being surrounded by other children is stressful and tiring. What about a week of unpaid parental leave?

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 06/06/2018 05:41

You’re working to keep a roof over their heads. They are being cared for. Have your DM or your friends offered to have them? No? Then they can bugger off with their unhelpful remarks. If you can’t get time off, what else are you to do?

Original poster
whatwouldbe · 06/06/2018 05:43

What about a week of unpaid parental leave?

I cannot get AL due to business need. so I won't get unpaid leave either. I couldn't afford it anyways.

OP posts:
SandysMam · 06/06/2018 05:43

By law you can take up to 4 Weeks a year unpaid paternal leave. I don’t know your financial situation but do all you can to try to take a week or 2 of this over the summer. It is not fair on your kids to do 6 whole Weeks of holiday club and your employer cannot be so unreasonable they can’t see this.

SandysMam · 06/06/2018 05:43

Sorry cross post.

ipswichwitch · 06/06/2018 05:45

If your DM and friends feel so strongly that it’s “cruel” then you should thank them for offering to have your DC for the holidays! I see your DM is ill but what the hell does she expect you to do? You need to work, you cannot get time off.

Frankly I’d be telling them if they’ve got nothing constructive to say then they should shut the hell up. The DC will be fine in holiday club. Ours do a minimum of 4, usually 5 weeks over the summer, and sometimes all of half term. It’s not as heavy going as school, they’ll be doing lots of fun stuff and you’ll have weekends to chill.

Original poster
whatwouldbe · 06/06/2018 05:45

thanks. I know the law about unpaid parental leave but I cannot afford any.

and timing needs to be approved by work. It's due to a business need why I cannot get annual leave.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 06/06/2018 05:45

If you're unable to get the time off you have no choice. Those remarks are really unhelpful.

Alienspaceship · 06/06/2018 05:46

But if you’re sending your children to a holiday club for 6 weeks that’s incredibly expensive - you might be able afford unpaid leave.
You asked if it’s cruel - yes it is, and worth taking a financial hit to give them a week off. And a week isn’t much for them!

somewhereovertherain · 06/06/2018 05:47

Why is it the businesses fault? We don’t allow time off in the holidays as it’s our busiest time.

Can’t your DM or DF have them for a week. We used to send ours to both sets of GP for a week or two during the summer holidays. The GP loved it as much as our DC.

BrutusMcDogface · 06/06/2018 05:48

Obvious and daft question but where is their father?

It's not ideal but if you have no choice, you have no choice! You have to pay the bills. Just make sure weekends are nice, chilled family time. Flowers

MsChanandlerBoing · 06/06/2018 05:48

Sorry I don’t know what holiday club is but it’s something you’re having to do because you don’t have another choice. You can’t get time off work - the other option would be to quit your job and be at home with them but not be able to feed or house them Hmm

Any friends or family who are criticising you without offering to help you can take a long walk off a short pier.

MothershipG · 06/06/2018 05:48

It may not be ideal but it can't be helped so there is really no point beating yourself up over it. Holiday camps are fun, your DC will be fine. Can you book the October half term off and spend that with them?

ipswichwitch · 06/06/2018 05:48

Are there any days over summer where you could maybe finish early? We can take out holiday allowance in hours or use any time owing to take an hours of two here and there which gives a few shorter days in holiday club.

TheIsland · 06/06/2018 05:50

I imagine it would be very expensive - could you hire a student to “nanny” them? I did this whilst at uni. It gives children more downtime, space to see friends, chill at home, new experiences of visiting someone else etc.

Original poster
whatwouldbe · 06/06/2018 05:51

I am earning more than what I pay in childcare and I get the TC childcare element too. I am much better off working than taking unpaid leave which I could not afford at all. but for the 3rd time - I have annual leave left but I cannot take it over the summer school hols hasn't been approved by management. They need me in work. I will get a few days off in September but that is after the school hols unfortunately.

thanks for the poster who were reassuring.

OP posts:
Stillwishihadabs · 06/06/2018 05:56

It's not ideal, how old are the dcs ? Very different if 5 and 6 than if 9 and 11. If the later I would explain the situation to them and let them decide what they want to do at the weekends. If younger I might think about getting a student/au pair type arrangement so they can spend sometime at home.

CountFosco · 06/06/2018 05:56

So no-one will help but they are criticising you for providing your children with safe childcare over the holidays? Tell them to go fuck themselves (or maybe a pointed 'well, can you have them for a day or so over the holidays to help me because work is being a shit about it?').

I have a friend whose DH can't help with any childcare, she's in a similar position where the kids are in a lot of wrap around care and holiday clubs. Personally I have utter admiration for women who are raising their children alone, it's hard enough as a couple but to do it completely alone must be utterly exhausting and lack of support from friends and family must make it even harder.

It's one summer holiday, it's not ideal but it will not kill them. Book half term and all of Christmas off if you can and have chill out time then. Book them into different holiday clubs over the holiday to mix things up a bit.

TipseyTorvey · 06/06/2018 05:57

Guilt is what you feel when there's nothing you can do. You're doing the only thing you can to ensure you keep your job so they have a home and food and the things they need. As pp have said those people critising need to offer an alternative or belt up. In the 70s there was no holiday clubs and my single mother left me home alone for much of the time. Summer club sounds way better, mine are in for 4 weeks by the way so no much less than yours. They have a lovely time and I send them in with a book in their bag so if they want to they can go and sit in a corner alone for a bit. Don't stress yourself!

Original poster
whatwouldbe · 06/06/2018 05:57

Dad cannot have them. doesn't really matter why as it won't change facts.

Nanny is out of question. too expensive and I wouldn't trust a student with the DC (one has pretty complex special needs which the holiday club can cope with).

good idea. I might see if I can finish some Fridays early so we can have some longish weekends Smile

OP posts:
Helloitsmemargaret · 06/06/2018 05:57

Could you find a childminder for some of it? That way they'll be in more of a home environment and can relax a bit more?

TheMasterNotMargarita · 06/06/2018 05:58

Easy for others to judge from the outside.
It isn't ideal but you do what you have to do.
Just keep the weekends low key and let them veg out then. You will all survive.
It isn't cruel, many people are in the same position. Cruel is purposefully harming your children. They'll be at holiday club ffs not a hot housing summer school!

OuaisMaisBon · 06/06/2018 06:00

Maybe just work towards being able to take time off for their next half-term and plan something great for then, so you all have something to look forward to? In the meantime, they'll be well occupied for the 6 weeks in summer and hopefully, you can just spend relaxing week-ends with them, so you all recover from your busy weeks? You have no choice, they will understand this, and as others have said, your friends and family are being most unsupportive in the circumstances, unless they are offering to step up and take care of the children for you for some of the time, so ignore them!

CountFosco · 06/06/2018 06:01

Obvious and daft question but where is their father?

He could be any of the following: dead, in prison, travelling for work (e.g. a soldier on tour), a deadbeat. Does it really matter?

TenuedeNimes · 06/06/2018 06:03

I agree it’s not ideal but what else are you meant to do? Supportive people who saw a problem would offer you a potential solution.

‘Cruelty’ looks a lot different to having to go to organised activities where they will have food, drinks and good care Confused

I do think that sometimes as a mother you can’t do right for doing wrong. If you were unable to find a job these people would doubtless have a list of reasons why staying home with your kids all summer was cruel to them too!

You can’t be in two places at once, so.....

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