is it cruel to send the DC for 6 weeks in the Summer hols to the holidays club

[whatwouldbe]

I am unable to get any annual leave over the summer which means DC will have to spend the entire summer school hols (6 weeks) in a holiday club. 8:30 - 17:30.

it wasn't planned like that, I was hoping to get 1 weeks off in between but could not.

Several friends and my mum told me that this is cruel. That the DC need a break and downtime. I have no friends who could have the DC for a few days and no family to help (my mum is ill and cannot physically do it).

DC dad cannot have them either (long backstory).

working from home is not an option in my line of work.

It is not a choice for me. I really wanted to spend a few days with them at home. It's not only shit for them, it's alse shit for me. all friends have nice holidays planned and we cannot even have some chilled days at home. but there is nothing I can do.

please tell me you have done it too and that it is ok. I feel really awful after DM and some friends made these remarks.

I must be one heartless mother.

A holiday club where they can look after a child with specific needs for six weeks, whilst I (alone) put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads and I'm supposed to feel guilty about it?

As long as you and they enjoy the time you are together, I fail to understand what the problem is. Our holiday club is great. I'm lucky in that my job is more flexible than yours, but my daughter loves going all the time. We have to book our holiday around the activities she wants to do. When we had a stay cation last year, we hardly saw her for a complete week. She made new friends, and when she goes to secondary school, she'll know a couple in the school she's hoping to go to. Even in the second choice school she knows kids there too. She hates it more when we make her go to her grandparents and is always facetiming her friends.

If it's a good club, I don't understand the problem.

No, it's not cruel because you have no choice!

It would be potentially unkind to do it if you were lunching and having coffee all day every day, and actually could be with your DC instead; but you're not, you have no ability to take leave and no one else to look after them, so what else are you supposed to do?

Ignore the people being unkind to you - as they're not offering to find a way to make it different for your DC and have no understanding of your situation, they should all STFU and mind their own business.

I do like the idea of you maybe being able to extend your weekends, at least a couple of times, so you can have more relaxing time over the weekends and maybe even get away for a few mini-breaks though - hopefully work will be flexible about start/finish times for you.

You're doing a great job looking after them, honestly!

not cruel, mine will go to holiday club for 4 weeks... just make the weekends and evenings extra fun...

Hi op....love the way your friend and family say it's cruel,but don't offer an alternative,I expect a lot of kids will spend the summer in front of a screen,what you are offering is far superior to that...I'd love to be able to afford to send my kids to a summer scheme much better than kids on street corners ,or watching tv

OP, I second all the previous posters who've said it's rich for your family and 'friends' to criticise you without offering any practical help.

We'd all prefer to have a bit of downtime over the summer holidays but that is not possible for a lot of people. Your kids will be fine and it is certainly not cruel! I hope you enjoy your weekends with them 😊

Mine has aged out of our local holiday clubs, but has gone for most of the summer (and other holidays) since he left nursery. Theres always been plenty of time to relax, and options to do different things and he has been very happy there.
We don't have anyone to have him, and though I work from home he can't just hang around as I have work to do. So now we are sending him to PGL for a week, a couple of weeks of watersports training, a week of cricket club, and we've managed to take the other off. But it is really, really tough and I'd give anyone who criticises you the finger - you are amazing working ft with two kids, one with disabilities as a single parent.

my employer is generally ok. let's me take time off for hospital appointments with DC1 or nip out in a crisis. It's not easy to find an understanding boss if you have a child with complex SN and no support network. I lost jobs over it before. it's therefore not easy to just find a better job. better the devil you know. for me in my circumstances at least.

It's just a combination of things this year which let to the situation. It wasn't planned and hopefully, there won't be a repeat.

It's not cruel. I used to work holiday clubs and all of the kids always had a great time, some of them were there all day every day for the summer.

I would be pissed off at 'friends' and parents making comments but not actually offering to help out tbh.

I hated holiday clubs, but would've been fine with it if I had someone I knew there. I am an only child and my holiday club was held at a different school, and no people I knew attended. It was rubbish.

But you have to do what you have to do. They will be fine. They have each other.

People are crazy! Your kids get to go to somewhere designed to have fun with friends, they’re not being tortured or made to work up the chimneys.
I had a stay at home Mum. I spent the holidays bored, sick of having to spend time with my siblings and wishing I could see my friends. I’d have loved to have gone to a club, but we had to have family time.
All the research shows that kids who do nothing over over the holidays start the following year behind. Your kids will be active, stimulated and improving their social skills.

Your friends are just being unnecessarily nasty- are you sure they aren’t jealous of the fact that you are providing your children with a more fun holiday than theirs will have?

Oh c’mon they’ll be fine. I don’t understand the whole British attitude toward this. I was raised in Canada where you get two weeks’ annual leave and parents rarely take it during summer holidays. We all went to childcare or kids’ clubs and we all came out fine. If you have them home for a week and they’re complaining of being bored and missing their friends, then what?

What is the point of people telling you it is cruel. You have to earn a living, if you can't get annual leave during the summer, it's tough isn't it? Keeping a roof over your head and eating are the key priorities in life. Anyway I don't think it's cruel, they will be entertained, have fun, and still have the weekends with you.

People are really unhelpful, they wouldn't make those sort of comments to a father. Tell them to bog off.

You're not being cruel at all. Your employers are being unreasonable.

What would happen if your kids couldn't go to camp because of a sickness bug? I'd be tempted for them to "get" such a bug for one week. Better still, if you get paid sick leave, you should get the bug yourself (aka chucking a sickie)

DB and I spent many summer holidays at playschemes and holiday camps due to parents working and we’ve turned into perfectly well rounded people with fantastic relationships with our parents and I would absolutely kick the ass of anyone that said they were cruel for doing that. They were 2 parents doing the best they could for their kids and that is exactly what you are doing.

Is it ideal? No of course not, as I’m sure you’d love nothing more then to spend time with them over the summer but that’s life and life isn’t always ideal!

Could you try and find a Nanny or Child Minder who specialises in Special Needs children. I am sure there must be some. Does the disability your child have a support group or charity? They might be able to assist you with finding someone.

OP you're doing what you can do, I'm sure the DCs will enjoy holiday club, and who knows maybe you'll be too ill to go in for a couple of days.... (I wouldn't usually advocate that but two days isn't going to hurt and means a long weekend for you all). Ignore the comments from those around you offering criticism and no actual support.

And why are the employers being unreasonable? If they literally can’t give op the time off due to the work that needs to be done then what else are they meant to do? It’s shit but it happens.

And “chucking a sickie”? What a stupid attitude

In an ideal world they wouldn't have to spend the full 6 weeks at holiday club, but that's why you tried to get the annual leave.
You've been refused so there's nothing you can do about it, we'll short if quitting your job which isn't really a valid option, so these people telling you you're being cruel are just bloody ridiculous.

FWIW, there are many young children that are in private nursery and attend all year round ( my own DS included) and nobody is making claims of it being cruel how these little ones don't get 6 weeks off at summer.

If I was in this position I'd look into hiring a French au pair for the summer. The kids would get a chance to relax and home, have friends over etc. and have the opportunity to learn a new language into the bargain. I have no idea how much more this would cost though...

2 of my adult DCs have both worked for organisations that have residential holiday clubs during the holidays, some children are sent for the entire length of every holiday. Neither of them think it is good for the children involved or all the reasons already outlined by other posters. I think my eldest's comment sums it up: "Mum I want to send them all home to you for a cuddle"

I suggest you go back to the friends and the mum who are accusing you of cruelty and say yes you are aware of the fact that its not ideal.

Therefore you have decided the children will do shorter days and/or 3 or 4 day week at the club. You thank the friends and mum for offering to pick up the slack.

How old are your children? If they’re a bit older could a local teenager have them one day a week and supervise film and tablet chill days?

*@Lethaldrizzle
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It's not insensitive to say some parents do things differently. I just would not do a job that would not allow me to spend any time in the summer holidays with my kids. Sod that. I would change jobs.

Oh yeah and get one of those easy to find jobs that allows every school holiday off?

Are you a parent without any help from partner, family or friends?

It sounds like OP single handedly keeps a roof over their heads and food on the table.

It must be marvellous to live in such an easy world that you'd "just change jobs"!

Op, needs must and they will be fine! DC1 more than fine that additional needs are met. If you don't act like you feel you're in the wrong the DC will go happily without a thought. So you just smile and be happy and so will they.

Downtime? Easy, you ask the club to accommodate that, every child needs a "quiet" day for whatever reason, they will have quiet areas.

Friends over? Do that at the weekends, Friday night treat sleepover?

Friends and family telling you you're cruel? Bang out of order! I'd be putting them firmly in their place.

I don't understand why the cost for the holiday camp for two children will be significantly less than hiring a nanny for a week or two. Have you looked at the cost of a nanny or are you assuming it will be too expensive?

It is astonishing the number of posters who cannot read properly. OP cannot get time off work, paid or unpaid, she cannot afford a nanny, she has no family help and holiday club is the only option. How on earth is it helpful to tell her she shouldn't do it?!?

Cruel is being chained to a radiator with no food or water. Holiday club is not cruel. My son loved it (he's now a teen and is bored rigid in the holidays now he is too old for it). They do loads of different activities - indoors and outdoors - as well as have downtime for free play, watching films/relaxing etc. Even when I was on maternity leave he still went twice a week at his own (very enthusiastic) request. No wonder we are breeding a nation of snowflakes who have to be helicoptered over by mummy 24/7.

I also do not understand why holiday club is considered "exhausting". I am only judging my own children but that have so much energy, they are buzzing around like blue arsed flies all the time - they need to expend it. If we spend too much time in the house, they are practically climbing the walls.

My mum was (is) a medical professional and in the holidays we had to stay in our rooms and read or play very quietly while she ran her surgery downstairs. If she did home visits we went with her and had to stay in the car with a comic and a bottle of pop. We would much rather have been at a holiday club x 1000!!! Yet my mother looks down on me for using childcare and crows about never "farming out" her own children. Go figure.

OP, you sound amazing. I take my hat off to single parents - you are bringing up children, breadwinning, and showing them a great work ethic.

Of course you would like the chance to spend some time with your lovely children in the holidays and I feel for you that it hasn't worked out this summer. But it ISN'T cruel - don't listen to the Mothers Superior. What I would do is try and outsource as much as possible - have a cleaner, get shopping delivered, plan quick and easy meals etc. so that you can maximise time you have in the evenings and weekends with your children to do fun/relaxing stuff or just enjoy being together. I am a full time working mum and "making the time count" really works for us.

Guilt is like a big bag of rubbish - you can't transform it but you can choose to carry it around with you or you can just set it down and walk away from it. Use that emotional energy to give your children extra hugs and kisses instead!