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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL’s hospital appointment vs DD’s play...

361 replies

dildial · 05/06/2018 23:22

My FIL has been experiencing some health problems recently and is currently undergoing lots of tests & having lots of appointments to try to get to the bottom of it. I’m a GP, and the only doctor among my in-laws’ children + spouses. Consequently, my MIL - who has been finding this very stressful - has been asking me to come to all FIL’s appointments so that I can help them understand what’s going on and what all the results mean.

I’m absolutely fine with this - I understand that hospitals can be very daunting places and that medical jargon can be confusing. It’s a 2 hour round trip to the hospital where FIL is being seen, but I can generally manage this, and as I work 3 days a week, MIL & FIL have been arranging the appointments on my days off.

The problem is that in 2 weeks, FIL has an important appointment with a specialist, that can’t be rearranged as he’s been waiting a few months to see him. MIL is very anxious that I come along to this appointment, but unfortunately it clashes with my 11 year old DD’s end of year 6 play, in which she has a pretty big part.

I honestly don’t know what to do for the best here. Should I upset my MIL by not going to FIL’s appointment, or upset my DD (and, let’s be honest, be really upset myself) by missing her big moment?

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/06/2018 23:25

Tough one. Is there scope for a compromise with you phoning in to the consultation? Or having a recording of it to discuss later? Or having the letter from the consultant at least?

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 05/06/2018 23:25

Surely they can manage without you for one appointment? You could send a list of questions for them to ask or ring ahead and ask if they can record the appointment for you to 'translate' later? You can't let your dd down!!

Fucksgiven · 05/06/2018 23:27

Could you go to appointment and dh go to ay,

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/06/2018 23:29

Be there for your daughter. You’ve done loads to support them and it must be taking a lot of time and energy away from your own immediate family.

MIL needs to understand that you work pt so you can be there for your DC. If the appointment had come through on one of your working days or you sprained your ankle they’d have to cope. Offer to send questions, as suggested, and a phone call afterwards to discuss it.

Most people don’t have a doctor in the family and manage! If she’s really freaking out could DH go along this time for moral support?

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/06/2018 23:31

Does MIL know about the play? I’d hope she’d understand you have lots of different responsibilities and your DC need you too.

madamginger · 05/06/2018 23:31

If your dd is anything like mine, who is also in year 6, she would be gutted if you missed her play. It’s her last big thing at primary school before she leaves and I think you would regret not going.
Surely the dr at the appointment can answer and explain anything your PIL are unsure of.

BlueJava · 05/06/2018 23:35

I think you have to go to your DD's play. Gently explain this to your PIL obviously but perhaps you could dial in to the appointment or if there is a total clash then perhaps you could ask the consultant for a 5 minute call afterwards just to summarise things? (I appreciate this may be difficult if it's NHS not private). Failing that ZigZag's point about making a list of questions is good.

Ohmydayslove · 05/06/2018 23:36

No see the play. Your mil is panicking quite understandably but either get your dh to go or another family member.

They don’t need a GP to every appointment.

As ops said write a list of questions? Get them to record the visit etc.

Explain to them they will understand

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 05/06/2018 23:38

I would go to the play. You have been very supportive so far. Would it be possible for them to give permission for you to contact the consultant for clarification if they/you are still confused? A list of questions and some written answers. Is there anyone else in the family with any degree/science background? Most families don't have a GP in the family to call upon. Maybe another family member can help them this time. You could ask the school whether there is a dress rehearsal to the school on a different day which you could attend, but it is not the same. Is it at the same time or could you be on the phone?

Original poster
dildial · 05/06/2018 23:39

MIL is a very anxious person generally - I think she thinks that if I'm not there, she'll miss some vital piece of information.

I think I'll have to offer her a list of questions to ask and go through all the results with her afterwards - it's really far more for her benefit than for FIL's!

OP posts:
Somersetter · 05/06/2018 23:41

Definitely go to the play. Surely your in-laws would understand?

Original poster
dildial · 05/06/2018 23:41

The appointment starts roughly 20 minutes before the play, so I'll probably be sitting down in a noisy school hall at that point.

OP posts:
MsChanandlerBoing · 05/06/2018 23:41

I’d call the specialist’s secretary to see if it can be rearranged within a reasonable timeframe. It’s unlikely but at least try, it’s not as if the play can be rearranged so then you’ve tried your best. If it’s not possible then explain to them, go to the play and then debrief with them - the list of questions idea is great.

Fluffyears · 05/06/2018 23:42

Write a list of questions get a dictaphone type of thing or ask them to record it on their mobile if they have a smart phone. My dad used to do this as he felt it hard to take in whilst he was at the appointment so he could replay the conversation.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 05/06/2018 23:43

Oh and ideally dh should go to the play too. Our dd was so pleased to see us all in the audience. You say among children and spouses so I am guessing that there are at least two other of dh siblings. They might actually want a chance to be involved but are deferring to MIL wishes to take you.

Aus84 · 05/06/2018 23:43

Go to the play. Your FIL has support. You need to be there for your DD on what is a big day for her. Your MIL can have the specialist give notes or a report and you can go over this with them when they get back.

Weezol · 05/06/2018 23:44

It's time for another family member to step up and take notes at this appointment that you can look at later. One of their adult children must be able to do this just as a one off.

CoffeeIsNotEnough · 05/06/2018 23:47

DD's play, without a doubt.
Can they not record the consultation on a phone?

snowsun · 05/06/2018 23:48

Write a letter to the consultant for fil to hand to him asking him to write down key facts for you to explain after. Or get another family member to go and take notes.

pallisers · 05/06/2018 23:48

I think you should go to the play. While I completely understand how helpful it is to have another medical person at an appointment, you really shouldn't be the only person who can do this.

One of the other children or spouses should be asked to accompany MIL and FIL. That person should be told to make notes - listen carefully and write everything down. Maybe ask a question or two (you might be able to prep them) but generally just be the note taker and hand-holder. Tell MIL that the note-taker will convey everything to you, so nothing will be missed and the consultant can take follow-up questions later or by email.

I recently went with a friend to an oncology appointment and took notes (she was getting news of a recurrance as it happened). I have no medical background but I take good notes. I wrote down everything that was said. I did ask a couple of clarifying questions but mostly just took notes, wrote them up and sent them to my friend. She used them to tell her family what the status was and to refer back when going through treatment.

HeddaGarbled · 05/06/2018 23:48

Definitely the play. If your MIL wants some support, anyone else in the family can go. The not-doctors can listen to the information given and ask the questions and then they can all discuss it with you later.

Returnofthesmileybar · 05/06/2018 23:49

List of questions or maybe they could record the appointment? (Is that allowed?) I'd be going to the play anyway no doubt about it

MsChanandlerBoing · 05/06/2018 23:50

Sorry just to add the rearranging appointment idea is only if it means that much to them for you to be there as you shouldn’t miss the play - I read it back and it seems as though I’m advising to unilaterally go around rearranging things like a crazy person Blush they should be the ones to do it anyway. I’m really bad at explaining sometimes sorry!

Inertia · 05/06/2018 23:55

Go to the play. Your daughter needs you, and presumably that's the only performance you can attend.

Another member of the family can go to FIL's appointment- perhaps with a list of questions provided by you?

Having you available to help out is doubtless helping to make a difficult process easier for your ILs, but that doesn't mean that all your other responsibilities can be dropped.

singadream · 05/06/2018 23:56

I think go to play. But is a very tough one. Can they try to rearrange?