FIL’s hospital appointment vs DD’s play...

[dildial]

My FIL has been experiencing some health problems recently and is currently undergoing lots of tests & having lots of appointments to try to get to the bottom of it. I’m a GP, and the only doctor among my in-laws’ children + spouses. Consequently, my MIL - who has been finding this very stressful - has been asking me to come to all FIL’s appointments so that I can help them understand what’s going on and what all the results mean.

I’m absolutely fine with this - I understand that hospitals can be very daunting places and that medical jargon can be confusing. It’s a 2 hour round trip to the hospital where FIL is being seen, but I can generally manage this, and as I work 3 days a week, MIL & FIL have been arranging the appointments on my days off.

The problem is that in 2 weeks, FIL has an important appointment with a specialist, that can’t be rearranged as he’s been waiting a few months to see him. MIL is very anxious that I come along to this appointment, but unfortunately it clashes with my 11 year old DD’s end of year 6 play, in which she has a pretty big part.

I honestly don’t know what to do for the best here. Should I upset my MIL by not going to FIL’s appointment, or upset my DD (and, let’s be honest, be really upset myself) by missing her big moment?

What about her recording their appointment, you listening and then translating/ calling the consultant afterwards?

You said your husband can’t take time off at short notice because of the profession he’s in, but haven’t you had quite a lot of notice of both play and appointment?

Has OP said actually said anywhere that they’ve had a lot of notice of the play, or are people making the assumption?

My own experience of busy specialists (me and DS2) is that you can wait months for the appointment and then when you finally get it, it will be in a few weeks’ time.

We had with DS2’s specialist consults and then with his surgery - months of waiting and then ten days’ notice of the op. Only a tiny bit awkward with work, that one.

I can't believe people are saying that you owe your husbands parents priority over your own child.
Surely they can manage this themselves, they are adults!

You've done so much, must you ALWAYS put them first? When is it ok to have your life back? When do YOU, and more importantly, in this instance, your Daughter, get to be first?

I am equally disturbed that grandparents seem ok taking mums attention from granddaughters play. No "clap extra loud for us, we look forward to seeing the video it will cheer us up" or "of course you need to be there for her, wewouldnt dream of asking, wish her luck"?
No? Just justifying that adults deserve your attention more than your minor child....nice🙄😒

You go to the play. You tell MIL to explain to the consultant that they usually have you with them to help them understand what is being said but that you are unavailable this time and so would he/she please go slowly and allow them to ask questions if they feel swamped with information. Maybe the consultant could also jot down the basics for them to pass on to you.
You have been amazing to give up a lot of your precious days off to help them. Do not feel guilty about missing one appointment. It isn't as though you have to be there because they don't speak the language.

If you were not a GP she would have to cope just like everybody else - go to your daughters play (tbh Im surprised they have not said that to you)

"Theres way to many soft people in this world and i generally believe they are made that way from their parents babying them as kids."

Perhaps that's what happened to MIL then?

Others have probably already covered my view. The fact that you're a GP is kind of a red herring, really. The specialist should be relating information in a user-friendly manner that the lay person can understand. It shouldn't need another medic in the room to translate. I appreciate that this is your mil's issue, but on this occasion she's going to have to suck it up. You have another event to attend. If anyone in the family has a problem with that, then they can step up themselves.

Go to the play. Most adults don't have a doctor in the family who can go to medical appointments with them. They manage.

I would absolutely no way miss my daughters play. Not for any play but especially not year 6’s leavers.it is such a huge time in your daughters life and an end of an era for you all. cant another family member go with them? Surly not only doctors can understand these things otherwise how would we all get on?!

Firstly, to those still wondering why dh can't go to the appointment & why he can't get the time off work, he's a teacher and it's the parents evening at his school. (That's why we're going to different performances of the play - he's working on the first night, I'm working on the second). As the hospital is a 2 hour round trip, and there's only 2 hours between the end of school and the start of parents evening, there's no way he could get to the hospital, attend the appointment and get back on time.

Secondly, the appointment date only came through 2 weeks ago, so it is short notice.

Anyway, I've been in touch with DH's sister, and she's going to attend the appointment with MIL and FIL, and she'll record it on her phone so that I can listen to it with MIL later.

Go to the play. The consultant should be perfectly capable of explaining test results, diagnosis, treatment plan, etc. without having a GP there to interpret. You can always follow up with a phone call if it seems necessary, which it shouldn't be.

If the illness is as serious as it sounds, there will be many follow up appointments you can go to. The play is a one time event.

Good solution OP. Enjoy the play.

So glad to hear that OP. Sandwich generationers give so much to meet so many others’ needs. It’s ok to do something different once in a while before you disappear under a mound of others’ wants.

A good update!

Good update

Good solution, as long as you do genuinely want to keep being relied upon for helping with ever appointment one way or another.

If your dh cant go with them you should go.
Theres way to many soft people in this world and i generally believe they are made that way from their parents babying them as kids

Oh the irony! Don’t you see that what you’re describing is exactly how the OP’s PIL are behaving? Needing ‘babying’ by having their own personal doctor accompany them to every single appointment? Something that almost every other patient does without? I genuinely thought you were talking about the PIL until I saw you were advising they are still accompanied by someone and realised you were talking about OP’s daughter 😂

Support your daughter and go to the play. Whilst your MIL will be stressed what would happen if she didn't have a GP in her family? Would you be able to contact specialist after appointment to get information. Of course, no need to say, FIL will need to give permission.

I agree with the majority here. The end of Y6 play is a big deal. I'm glad you've got it sorted.

Glad you've got it sorted and can see your daughter's play.
Speaking as a former GP, it's hard enough for children having a GP for a parent. Hope your FIL gets the treatment he needs quickly. 💐

Our children learn to treat their elders by seeing how we treat ours. I would explain to DC that you are gutted not to see the play but that you need to help FIL.

Our children learn to treat their elders by seeing how we treat ours.
Totally. And the OPs dc has had a great model in how her mum has supported the grandparents already. I have no doubt this will continue even though she isn't able to accompany them to one single appointment .

Is there a language barrier or learn difficulty with the Pil? All this talk of translating being essential.

Glad you’ve sorted it OP. Great that you can enjoy the play and still help your FIL.

Glad it is sorted OP.