FIL’s hospital appointment vs DD’s play...

[dildial]

My FIL has been experiencing some health problems recently and is currently undergoing lots of tests & having lots of appointments to try to get to the bottom of it. I’m a GP, and the only doctor among my in-laws’ children + spouses. Consequently, my MIL - who has been finding this very stressful - has been asking me to come to all FIL’s appointments so that I can help them understand what’s going on and what all the results mean.

I’m absolutely fine with this - I understand that hospitals can be very daunting places and that medical jargon can be confusing. It’s a 2 hour round trip to the hospital where FIL is being seen, but I can generally manage this, and as I work 3 days a week, MIL & FIL have been arranging the appointments on my days off.

The problem is that in 2 weeks, FIL has an important appointment with a specialist, that can’t be rearranged as he’s been waiting a few months to see him. MIL is very anxious that I come along to this appointment, but unfortunately it clashes with my 11 year old DD’s end of year 6 play, in which she has a pretty big part.

I honestly don’t know what to do for the best here. Should I upset my MIL by not going to FIL’s appointment, or upset my DD (and, let’s be honest, be really upset myself) by missing her big moment?

It depends on your DD really. I adored my Grandparents and at her age I would have wanted my Mum to go with my Nana & Grandad Yo help them.

12yo here wouldn’t mind if I had to do something like that that. She’d prefer me there, but wouldn’t be upset by me going to the hospital with her grandparents.

I’m sure the school will video it...

But do what you feel is best.

Though I’d do what someone else suggested and ring the consultants admin & see if you could change the appointment witching a good time frame. You’ve nothing to lose by trying that first.

I completely understand if you pick the play, but another option might be to ask if there's a dress rehearsal or performance for the rest of the school that you could attend instead. Especially if you have a DP or other family member who can attend the main performance too.

Absolutely go to the play. Ask dm to record the session.

Sorry, mil

You work part time exactly so you & your dc can benefit from your presence.

My dh couldn't get to an appointment of his Dads, very important end of life care plan, all family there.
They let the family record what the doctors said to play back to him.

Can you not ask for this citing your mil is anxious and might not understand what is being said.
Then another family member can go with them.

I'd say most plays are the same apart from end of primary, and those with a biggish part.

Could you reach some sort of compromise with the school?
I had to miss a school play once as the dates were announced after I had committed to attending an overseas business event with my DH. Cancelling the business trip at that stage would have cost his company thousands and reflected very poorly on my DH's commitment to his project.

DC was older (secondary school) and I contacted her drama teacher who very kindly allowed me to attend the final dress rehearsal. It wasn't the same as being there for the performance but it ensured DD knew how important me and the school thought her performance and involvement was. Then on the day of the actual performance her godparents and grandparents turned up to make a big fuss of her and take her out afterwards.

I’m going to be devils advocate- go to the hospital. It’s only a school play, in the grand scheme of things it’s quite minor, whereas the medical issue is potentially quite significant. Dd is 11- an age where she can understand that sometimes you make sacrifices for those you love.

As an aside, neither of my parents ever made it to a school play... it never bothered me as a child, never held me back and hasnt had a lasting impact on me.

I’d go to the play 100%.

I like the idea of asking for the appointment to be recorded and sending through a list of questions with IL’s.

I'd go to my daughters play and I'd also use this as a bit of an opportunity to take a step back from going to all of the appointments. If your ILs really do need support at every medical appointment perhaps this is a good time for one of their children to step up.

You will be making a massive mistake if you miss your child's play. Your first priority is to support your child. Your husband needs to deal with his mother's unreasonable expectations and you need to focus on your family.

Get their son to go and take notes for you to look over later.

I wouldn’t miss your Dds play

sammylady37

Seems you and I are the only compassionate one.
I hope all those you are for the play never find themselves in a situation like this and really want someone with medical knowledge to be in attendance with them.
As you said:
"Dd is 11- an age where she can understand that sometimes you make sacrifices for those you love".
And that is what is so important here.

Definitely attend the play.

Your in-laws have been in a very fortunate, and probably unique, position of having a qualified medical person attend their appointments. But that doesn't mean everything else needs to go by the wayside. For this one appointment they're just going to have to deal with it as millions of other people without doctors in the family do.

You should not need to be a specialist or even a doctor to have an NHS appointment so tell your partner he needs to accompany his parents (or another family member does) to this very important appointment and make notes. And you go to the play.

You've done a lot for the in laws, they should understand.

'MIL is a very anxious person generally - I think she thinks that if I'm not there, she'll miss some vital piece of information.'

Unless the information is the kind of thing that would keep your FIL alive in an emergency then I can't imagine she would miss something really vital and, of course, if it was that vital then she cold ask for it to be written down.

Plus ask the school if your dh can attend the dress rehearsal, and explain circumstances.

If the appointment is 20 min before the play, can't you FaceTime/skype it? Or put the phone on speaker.
So you can be at the appointment and at the play

Seems you and I are the only compassionate one

That's just rude and not very helpful to the OP. Everyone sayimg thry would go to the play is showing compassion to the DD, not lacking compassion. Surely she deserves it too.

I've never had a doctor accompany me to any medial appointments yet I managed to get the gist of things. It's understandable MIL wants someone with her other than FIL but I would imagine your dh could do this as they are his parents.

'Seems you and I are the only compassionate one.'

No actually I expect lots and lots of us on this thread are compassionate. I've certainly sat through a massive number of appointments with my aged mother. The doctors were perfectly capable of explaining things for a lay person to understand.

'someone with medical knowledge to be in attendance with them.'

You should not need a fully trained doctor to be in attendance with you for an appointment. It is just OTT.

Get someone else to go and take notes. If there is still confusion someone could always contact the secretary and make arrangements for a follow up phone call.

I agree most people don't have a medical professional that can come to appointments with them, many won't even have anyone to come with them and most just get on with it.

My father has been sick and I've been the family member to go to 90% of all appointments. The 10% I don't go to the are the ones where my own DC or DH need me. DH followed by the DC will always come before other family members.

It's hard but you have to retain a sense of order in terms of making sure everyone's needs are being met. Your PiL don't need you. Your DD most probably does.

MyOtherProfile :
Why it is rude?
The daughter is how old. For the sake of compassion, it's a frigging play and there will be more.
This might be a matter of life and death for the family. She is in the medical profession and understands the jargon.
What is she teaching her daughter about family. Sometimes, children need to learn that it's not all about them, however much you love them and want to be there.
They need to understand that sometimes a family member's needs are greater than theirs, that is not to say that they are not loved.

Italiangreyhound:

Obviously this went right over your head.
Not everyone is fortunate to have a medical professional as a family member, but if they do they are very fortunate and it certainly helps.
As I said everyone it making a big deal of a play. The daughter is 11 years old and mature enough to understand that grandad is sick and mummy will have to miss your play because she needs to be there when he visits the doctor.
Will she be upset, of course, but this is a learning curve for the daughter to understand that in times of need, other members of the family may need mummy more than you.
It's called teaching them about life now and later on.

@marjorie25

Seriously?

'The daughter is how old. For the sake of compassion, it's a frigging play and there will be more.' There might be, there might not.

'This might be a matter of life and death for the family. She is in the medical profession and understands the jargon.'

Do you think that everyone has a medical professional go with them to explain the jargon? And if not, then do you think the doctor is capable of communicating with the family members in English.

'What is she teaching her daughter about family.'

It's teaching her that sometimes she comes first. Sometimes what she is doing is important.

'Sometimes, children need to learn that it's not all about them' and sometimes it is.

When my elderly mother was dying, after all the appointments me and my siblings attended, I had to rush to be with her a number of times thinking this was it.

The final time I got the call that she may be dying, having only been with her the day before.

It was my birthday. I told the kids I would have to go and they burst into tears. They had made me a cake and wrapped gifts.

I told my husband I would wait to the next day. I stayed with the kids because I knew it was very important for them.

Yes, it really was life and death for my mum and she did finally day about 4 days later, after I went up to stay. But I was not able to elongate or shorten her life. I know elderly relatives are very important, but sometimes I think kids do need to come first.

she did finally die about 4 days later...

Go to the play. Your dd will only have this role once. You will both miss out if you don't go, you won't get another chance to see her do this.
Your FIL will have a series of medical appointments and is being looked after by other medical professionals.
You could ask PIL to take notes or record key information. Most people have to attend medical appointments without a medic and manage fine. Maybe ask another family member to go and take notes for them.