FIL’s hospital appointment vs DD’s play...

[dildial]

My FIL has been experiencing some health problems recently and is currently undergoing lots of tests & having lots of appointments to try to get to the bottom of it. I’m a GP, and the only doctor among my in-laws’ children + spouses. Consequently, my MIL - who has been finding this very stressful - has been asking me to come to all FIL’s appointments so that I can help them understand what’s going on and what all the results mean.

I’m absolutely fine with this - I understand that hospitals can be very daunting places and that medical jargon can be confusing. It’s a 2 hour round trip to the hospital where FIL is being seen, but I can generally manage this, and as I work 3 days a week, MIL & FIL have been arranging the appointments on my days off.

The problem is that in 2 weeks, FIL has an important appointment with a specialist, that can’t be rearranged as he’s been waiting a few months to see him. MIL is very anxious that I come along to this appointment, but unfortunately it clashes with my 11 year old DD’s end of year 6 play, in which she has a pretty big part.

I honestly don’t know what to do for the best here. Should I upset my MIL by not going to FIL’s appointment, or upset my DD (and, let’s be honest, be really upset myself) by missing her big moment?

'Obviously this went right over your head.' Nothing went over my dead. The OP is a doctor, a daughter in law and a mum. She can choose to do what she feels is right. She is asking advice. We don't all agree.

'Will she be upset, of course, but this is a learning curve for the daughter to understand that in times of need, other members of the family may need mummy more than you.
It's called teaching them about life now and later on.'

Yes, I get all that and I still disagree.

How do they cope normally at appointments? It seems a bit overkill to me.

Surely any consultant can explain things to patients in layman's terms?!

How would anybody cope otherwise?!

Italiangreyhound
That's your opinion and this is mine which I will stick with.
No wonder if all this children cannot cope, because they are being raised wrapped up in cotton wool.
I have never seen so many depressed and unhappy people and a lot of these children are like that and will become like that.
Because mummy and daddy have to be there to constantly hold their hands. Children are a lot stronger than we as parents give them the benefit for.
The beauty of life is that it is a circle and what you teach and show children when they are young, comes right back to bite us in the ass when they are older and we need them.

Marjorie25
You say children need to toughen up ... Maybe sometimes adults do too
Grown adults can surely cope at one appointment without having a handhold by a daughter-in-law!
Or maybe one of the actual kids (not DIL) could show some empathy and start getting up to speed on their dad's condition rather than putting all the pressure on DIL to do it all

Oh I'd say DD's play, I really would.

Is there any chance that she could ask the consultant if she could record the appointment so she can make sure she remembers it properly? I believe that it's ok to do that if the consultant agrees, isn't it?

I feel sorry for your MIL but it's not like she needs you to actually take FIL, she's just having you there as back up - you need to be at your DD's play.

No wonder if all this children cannot cope, because they are being raised wrapped up in cotton wool.
I have never seen so many depressed and unhappy people and a lot of these children are like that and will become like that.

Do they become adults who can’t manage to attend medical appointnents without a GP with them?

I think if you teach children that they are important, that their accomplishments matter you are much more likely to raise a self confident and functional adult. It’s not wrapping them in cotton wool, it’s supporting them when they need it.

It’s a bit off to be saying an 11 year old needs to suck this up in favour of two adults.

People are making a 'big deal' out of a play because it IS a big deal. These things are important to a child, at this age more than almost any other, I'd reckon.

If the daughter is old enough to understand that sometimes we make sacrifices for those we love, so is the MIL. She's had the benefit of OP attending lots of appointments, but she needs to understand that she can't for this one. The OP's offer to help prepare and debrief is very generous.

I know ill health is frightening, but it seems as if this is an issue with the MIL's anxiety above all else (I'm sure the consultant will be used to discussing things in terms lay people can understand), and it's not appropriate for a child to tske second place to an adult's anxiety, whether older age and illness are involved or not.

OP - go to the play. If your MIL kicks off she might be nicely reminded of how much you have helped already.

Excellent post by Jengnr above mine.

I wouldadd to it and say that if the dd doesn't have the attentoon and time of her parents at important moments like this, she is a lot more likely to demand it inappropriately later, just to get the feeling that she does matter somehow.

There have been some really interesting replies.

A really important part of the OP is that she herself would be upset to miss the play - I doubt anything would happen to the daughter if the play is missed but the OPs feelings should be taken into account too. If it would upset her she shouldn’t have to miss it especially as she’s already been so supportive and will likely continue to do so.

Specialists have to explain complicated things to lay people everyday and medical jargon isn’t used - what is important in my experience is that anyone else is there to make sure information isn’t missed/forgotten or that they record the appointment (which is easily done on any phone). If she’s likely to be so anxious that she might forget write her a sheet of questions with write turn on recorder in capitals at the top and text her the same.

For all those saying OP should go to doctor's appointment and it will be a good lesson for the child to know she doesn't always come first, I would have been gutted if I had to miss DS's Y6 play, never mind how DS would have felt!

A number of people have given suggestions how to help MIL. I think they have been very lucky in the past that you have been to other appointments, not everyone has that support. Hopefully another relative could go with them to the appointment (possibly not DH because if he could get time off work then he could go to the play too) to hold MIL's hand, record the appointment and then you can go through it with them later. Then if there are additional questions they could give permission for you to communicate with the specialist.

Play. 100%

play absolutely without question. year 6 is big - last play of primary school. don't miss it!

i wonder if your mil could ask the specialist if she can record the appointment on her phone? then she can ask questions you think she should ask and you'll be able to hear answers and she won't have to rely on her memory / writing things down.

You’ll regret missing the play for probably forever. Your MIL will get over you not being there pretty quickly.

Very very few people have a doctor in their family, who is able to do regular 2 hour round trips to accompany them to medical appointments. Yet many many people get medical care, go to appointments every day and they manage.
Ops daughter will have one year 6 leavers concert.
Op go to the concert, and tell mil that one of your bil/sils should attend.

I would go to the play.

This is especially important for your dd.

I would ask someone else to go along with your FIL and take notes or record the consultation, and then you can look over them afterwards.

Your MIL needs to get a grip. If your FIL is diagnosed with something unpleasant/long term are you going to be expected to be escorting them potentially for years and years?

I would see the play as a golden opportunity to extend the responsibility for your FIL and his health a little wider with other family members or friends. Other people are more than capable of listening and supporting as well, and it should be entirely down to you each time.

Should NOT be down to you each time.

Is there only one performance of the play? We do 3 because there wouldn't be room in the hall for all parents and other relatives so see it at the same time.

I just wondered if ideally you, perhaps, wanted to see the 'opening night' but could go to another performance instead as a compromise to keep everyone happy.

Play!

How about you prepare a letter for FIL to sign and he gives it to the consultant and it gives you permission to speak to the consultant and receive info about your FIL.

I am sure that in a 5 minute call you can be updated. Also it would give you the chance to ask very direct questions without FIL and MIL hearing if the diagnosis turns out to be serious.

I’m a GP and I too get called upon often to help family with translating jargon etc.
I would go to the play, definitely.
Perhaps you could promise your ILs that you’d speak to the consultant afterwards to get a summary? Also, these days all patients tend to get copies of the letter from hospital to GP anyway don’t they, so there’ll be other opportunities for you to discuss the outcome of the appt with them.

Play comes first, perhaps your DH can go to the appointment? Consultants will explain properly in layman's terms

Another for the play without a doubt. If they had arranged previous appointments on your days off and its an two hour round trip then they have been very lucky to have you at their appointments. And I am assuming these appointments have already eaten into your family time but you have been gracious enough to accommodate them. A previous poster suggested it was more about your MIL's aniexty, you need to say not this time. The questions, possibly recording it and going over the results are excellent suggestions.

Your daughters play first. It’s a big end of primary school one.

Ask mil to record the appointment. Get her to ask specific questions. Tell her that you will email the consultants secretary afterwards if there’s anything you’re not sure about.

And of course there may not be any more plays. My ds doesn't do plays or performances in secondary that we can go to.

OP hasn't mentioned the dad but if he is around he should go to the play too. So many alternatives have been suggested on here. I'm sure the grandparents would also understand and want their gd to have mum in the audience too.

I could never let my PiL go alone to something that could be very bad news. Can't your DH go with them?

If he can't I'd go. I know I'm going against the general feeling but I think it's much more important than a school play.

Go to the play. You being at fil's consultation won't magically change the outcome. If they need help understanding what was said you can probably help explain that and even call the consultant with follow up questions with them if necessary.