Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL’s hospital appointment vs DD’s play...

361 replies

dildial · 05/06/2018 23:22

My FIL has been experiencing some health problems recently and is currently undergoing lots of tests & having lots of appointments to try to get to the bottom of it. I’m a GP, and the only doctor among my in-laws’ children + spouses. Consequently, my MIL - who has been finding this very stressful - has been asking me to come to all FIL’s appointments so that I can help them understand what’s going on and what all the results mean.

I’m absolutely fine with this - I understand that hospitals can be very daunting places and that medical jargon can be confusing. It’s a 2 hour round trip to the hospital where FIL is being seen, but I can generally manage this, and as I work 3 days a week, MIL & FIL have been arranging the appointments on my days off.

The problem is that in 2 weeks, FIL has an important appointment with a specialist, that can’t be rearranged as he’s been waiting a few months to see him. MIL is very anxious that I come along to this appointment, but unfortunately it clashes with my 11 year old DD’s end of year 6 play, in which she has a pretty big part.

I honestly don’t know what to do for the best here. Should I upset my MIL by not going to FIL’s appointment, or upset my DD (and, let’s be honest, be really upset myself) by missing her big moment?

OP posts:
MumofBoysx2 · 06/06/2018 07:47

I would go to the play if it were me, your daughter would be devastated if you weren't there. You could ask your MIL to make very detailed notes so that you can go through them with them the next day? Also give her a list of questions to ask at the consultation?

wrapsuperstar · 06/06/2018 07:51

Most people don’t have a personal doctor to accompany them to appointments with other specialists; they manage. We all do. Your ILs are lucky to have such a supportive daughter-in-law and no doubt you will continue to support them after this appointment by answering questions and offering advice. Your daughter needs you mostthis time (and you deserve to be there, too!) - go to the play. Smile

Carycach100 · 06/06/2018 07:57

Explain to the school and ask to go the dress rehearsal instead.

grumpy4squash · 06/06/2018 08:01

It isn't really different to a situation where the appointment fell on one of your working days, in the sense that you have a prior commitment.

100% go to your DDs play. It's a one off. There are already two adults going to FIL appointment, who can make notes and ask you afterwards.

FWIW, if your PIL literally can't understand what they're being told, the consultant isn't doing his/her job very well.

landoflostcontent · 06/06/2018 08:01

After every consultant appointment I have been to I receive a copy of the letter sent to my GP. Have found this very useful as sometimes haven't quite remembered what was said (and certainly couldn't have spelled some of the words Grin . If they requested a copy you could then talk them through it maybe

TinyTear · 06/06/2018 08:08

Definitely the play! the MIL is a grown woman - she should be able to cope by herself once

GloGirl · 06/06/2018 08:10

I would go to the appointment.

My mother is very anxious about serious health issues, and due to her age has had to attend a number of consultations regarding very serious potential issues.

It is absolutely remarkable how she focuses on a flippant remark, mishears them entirely, puts more importance on something inconsequential than was intended.

It's gotten to the stage I have to attend ALL of them now, even the small ones because she is so anxious she can't get the read of the room right, and she can't tell them she's anxious, she can't understand what she's being told and she would be so worried for all the days after the appointment!!

Could your MIL attend the play and you attend the consultation with your FIL?

StaplesCorner · 06/06/2018 08:14

Where's your DH in all of this OP? Is he going to the play too? I think MiL will be ok on her own and you might even feed her anxiety by constantly pandering to her.

Chopchopbusybusy · 06/06/2018 08:17

It’s difficult to know because we don’t have all the facts. But having had to help my elderly Mum through a couple of years of ill health before her death and currently guiding my MIL through similar I’d probably go to the appointment. In the great scheme of things I feel that elderly parents health is more important than a school play. I’m sure they’ll sell a DVD of the play.

LittleBearPad · 06/06/2018 08:17

Definitely go to the play.

Pancakeflipper · 06/06/2018 08:19

go to the play. Arrange for other family member to go to hospital who can make notes and tell you after so you can still assist.

CrustyCob · 06/06/2018 08:20

The play.
All sorts of alternatives suggested for the FIL appointment which are reasonable in the circumstances.

twotallgiraffes · 06/06/2018 08:23

It's not just a play for the ops dd, it's her last one in junior school before she goes to high school. Its her leaving service. It's important the op goes to that. Hope you sort something out for your ils.

diddl · 06/06/2018 08:24

" Consequently, my MIL - who has been finding this very stressful - has been asking me to come to all FIL’s appointments so that I can help them "

That's the thing though-wanting another adult to go as they are anxious/not taking it in is one thing.

It doesn't have to be you though, Op.

As you must know, ordinary folk are capable of understanding what is said to us at medical appointments!

diddl · 06/06/2018 08:25

"In the great scheme of things I feel that elderly parents health is more important than a school play."

Op is not the only one who could help though.

BewareOfDragons · 06/06/2018 08:31

Go to the play, go to the play, go to the play.

Another relative can go.
Another relative can take notes.
Your MIL and FIL can ask to record the conversation with the specialist so you can listen to it later if there are any concerns.
They can ask if you can email him if there are any follow up questions.

Lots of options. But your daughter's play is a one off and important. There are others who can cover a doctor's appointment; no one else can be you at your daughter's play.

user1497991628 · 06/06/2018 08:32

No brainer: go to the play, I think you will regret it if you don’t, and I also think it sets a bad role model for your dd.

In my opinion you should put her needs first along with your own wish to see her on her big night.

It’s great that you are such a big help to your PILs but they are adults and not your responsibility whereas your dd is.

CoffeAndCream · 06/06/2018 08:36

Thousands of people attend consultations every day without a family member who is a GP !!! I can understand why your MIL is anxious but there is no real need for you to be there, another family member can go to support them (as would happen if you weren't a GP) you will still be able to see them afterwards and discuss the results / options.
I don't think you should feel guilty about missing one appointment for the sake of your daughter's school play.

user1497991628 · 06/06/2018 08:40

Oh, and I also think that the warm hearted feeling of being there and seeing your child and classmates perform makes all the tricky parenting stuff worthwhile 😊

BarbarianMum · 06/06/2018 08:40

Id also like to know where your dh is in all this?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/06/2018 08:42

OP, please don't let your little girl down, she'll be looking for your face in the audience. You'll regret not being there, because that's where your heart wants to be.
There are many ways of helping your Inlaws. Do you know of anyone else in he medical field, who may do a favour, and accompany them.
Could the conversation with the specialist be taped.
Could your MIL ask the specialist to write down the diagnosis, or forward an email.
Whether you are there or not, the result will be the same, and can be discussed later.
Time to be kind to yourself, you can't turn the clock back Sweet ! 🌸

worstmotherintheworld · 06/06/2018 08:47

Go to the play and let DH (or another family member so that DH can see the play too) accompany MIL to the appointment so that she is not alone. He can take notes and then you can look at them later. Most people don't have an expert to take with them to appointments and they manage just fine! You could put together a list of questions that might be helpful for MIL to ask

louharrisismyhero · 06/06/2018 08:49

Another vote for the play. You've already done loads, need to be there for your daughter at some point!

They've already had more than basic benefit of having you supporting them, there's a aboundary somewhere and this is a good test of it.

Aebj · 06/06/2018 08:55

I would go to see me dd. Possibly her last at primary school? Last one of hers you will probably see.
Mil can take notes/ record the appointment that you can go through at a later date. Send her with a list of questions that she can write the answers down . You can then do through what the answers mean.
Good luck

PrincessCuntsuelaVaginaHammock · 06/06/2018 08:55

Obviously go to your daughter's play, especially as it's your own preference. The lesson you'd be teaching your DD by going to a medical appointment that someone else could cover and that doesn't actually require a GP there is an awful one.

Swipe left for the next trending thread