FIL’s hospital appointment vs DD’s play...

[dildial]

My FIL has been experiencing some health problems recently and is currently undergoing lots of tests & having lots of appointments to try to get to the bottom of it. I’m a GP, and the only doctor among my in-laws’ children + spouses. Consequently, my MIL - who has been finding this very stressful - has been asking me to come to all FIL’s appointments so that I can help them understand what’s going on and what all the results mean.

I’m absolutely fine with this - I understand that hospitals can be very daunting places and that medical jargon can be confusing. It’s a 2 hour round trip to the hospital where FIL is being seen, but I can generally manage this, and as I work 3 days a week, MIL & FIL have been arranging the appointments on my days off.

The problem is that in 2 weeks, FIL has an important appointment with a specialist, that can’t be rearranged as he’s been waiting a few months to see him. MIL is very anxious that I come along to this appointment, but unfortunately it clashes with my 11 year old DD’s end of year 6 play, in which she has a pretty big part.

I honestly don’t know what to do for the best here. Should I upset my MIL by not going to FIL’s appointment, or upset my DD (and, let’s be honest, be really upset myself) by missing her big moment?

@diddl that may be true but the ILs really want it to be the OP. My opinion is as valid as everyone else’s despite it being an almost lone voice. As I said none of us know all the facts. My opinion is based on my own experiences with elederly relatives - and balancing my own children’s interests too.

Play. 100%

'but the ILs really want it to be the OP.'

And I'm sure the dd really wants her mum to be at her play.

They've had OP along to a lot of other appointments, and I'm sure her dc have missed out on some time with their mum because of it. I understand that health problems are scary, but this time their needs take a back seat to her 11yo daughter's.

To answer a few questions -

There are 2 performances of the play for parents. I'm supposed to be going to the first one (dh is working that afternoon) while dh is going to the second (when I'm working).

I think I'll contact my sister in law and ask if there's any chance she could attend and perhaps record the appointment. She lives a few hours away, and has young kids herself, but hopefully she'll be able to make it work.

I'd contact the consultant's secretary and ask if the appointment could be rescheduled. If not, as a professional courtesy, would the consultant speak to you after the consultation (with FIL's permission, of course)

That sounds like a good plan OP.

You sound very considerate OP. I think it's important to go the play personally for you and your DD. It's her last play at junior school and those occasions can be memorable and emotional.

If SIL can't go then MIL taking a list of questions and recording the conversation is a good idea.

You and MIL go to play.
FIL and DH go to appointment.

No it’s not a good plan. You are making your attendance conditional on someone else stepping up. First off, understand that you are not a magic wand. Your presence doesn’t sprinkle curative magic dust over the appointment. The outcome will be the same regardless of whether you are there or not.

MIL may be anxious but she and FIL are grown ups. They can cope. On this occasion your DD comes first. Just say you cannot be there.

If someone else in the family steps up that’s great, but it’s not your job to make that happen.

Enjoy the play!!

You haven't said why your DH can't go to the appointment. As it is his parents

FWIW I think you have gone beyond the call of duty and your MIL really needs to stop being so demanding. You must be exhausted.

How far away do the other siblings live from their parents? That poor SIL living hours away and with children on her own, doesn't sound like a kind choice either.

Dh is working on the day of the appointment and the first performance of the play - he cannot take any time off that day.

Easy for strangers on the internet to say it's not a good plan.

This is the OP's family which she obviously cares about and what's to do the right thing.

I absolutely agree - go to the play. It sounds like you have done far more than your fair share already. I also agree with a PP that they come out of appts not understanding results or what it means, then the consultant hasn't done a good job. I do appreciate that stress/anxiety can play a huge part in absorbing information, but your MIL could take some notes, or they could take a friend to take some notes. If the consultant is happy for it to be recorded, so much the better. I'm sure the consultant would be happy for you to email him with questions afterwards if need be.

Is there a nurse specialist involved or that could be involved, who could sit in on the appt and then discuss with them afterwards? There are so many potential options, and the majority of people do not have a GP relative to attend with them.

I am also slightly concerned that the focus is on you not wanting to upset MIL. This is your FIL's health, care and treatment, and she seems to be wanting you there to reduce HER anxiety, not his! How much is she going to continue to put pressure on you with regards to their health if you agree to every single request?

And my SIL and her dh are the closest to MIL and FIL apart from us.

We live about an hour away, Dh's sister lives about 2 hours away, and then his brother lives the other side of the country.

I didn't read that as conditional. There's nothing in OPs most recent post to suggest she won't be attending the concert if SIL can't get to the appointment. OP could just as easily mean it's the appointment that'll be dropped not the concert, if SIL can't get there.

You can't miss the end of year six play. You just can't. It's a massively important symbolic event. You and your do should be there

Go to the play.

Your dh "can't take any time off", even to support his own parents or dd? Well clearly it's not very important that they are supported then, so I should just do whatever you fancy.

Why is only down to the daughters in law to support their husband's parents?

The DH is going to one showing of the play though.

I'd most definitely go to the play. While having the additional support of a family member health professional might be nice, it should make no difference to your father in laws health care - they're not going to offer a different treatment just because you're in the room.

Shouldn't your DH be sorting this out?

"I'm sorry, but dildial can't make it to that appointment, and I can't get time off work that day. But I'll try and find someone else to come with you for support, Mum."

It's really lovely that you've been able to give them so much support to date, but finding someone else to go with them is veering into the realm of wifework...

Go to the play. Get the sister to fill in and record the appointment. There is not much you can do if the diagnosis has already been made. But you can still explain things to them after listening to the recording.

The specialist won't be speaking to them in a foreign language and really they don't need you there. He will explain in detail what his results are and will answer any questions.
If they can reschedule great. if not then the

they will have to manage.

Your dh "can't take any time off", even to support his own parents

He's unfortunately not in a profession where you can just randomly take days off at short notice