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AIBU?

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Original poster

FIL’s hospital appointment vs DD’s play...

361 replies

dildial · 05/06/2018 23:22

My FIL has been experiencing some health problems recently and is currently undergoing lots of tests & having lots of appointments to try to get to the bottom of it. I’m a GP, and the only doctor among my in-laws’ children + spouses. Consequently, my MIL - who has been finding this very stressful - has been asking me to come to all FIL’s appointments so that I can help them understand what’s going on and what all the results mean.

I’m absolutely fine with this - I understand that hospitals can be very daunting places and that medical jargon can be confusing. It’s a 2 hour round trip to the hospital where FIL is being seen, but I can generally manage this, and as I work 3 days a week, MIL & FIL have been arranging the appointments on my days off.

The problem is that in 2 weeks, FIL has an important appointment with a specialist, that can’t be rearranged as he’s been waiting a few months to see him. MIL is very anxious that I come along to this appointment, but unfortunately it clashes with my 11 year old DD’s end of year 6 play, in which she has a pretty big part.

I honestly don’t know what to do for the best here. Should I upset my MIL by not going to FIL’s appointment, or upset my DD (and, let’s be honest, be really upset myself) by missing her big moment?

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 06/06/2018 07:01

Play. The year 6 play is a big deal well is in our school. It's also the leavers event. Both parents go. You can't miss that. Tell mil she should write notes and you can go through with her afterwards. Or could you be on FaceTime if the appointment not a direct clash?

Joboy · 06/06/2018 07:03

The play

2gorgeousboys · 06/06/2018 07:04

You’ve definitely got to go the the play. It will mean so much to you and your DD. DS1 goes to Uni in September and we stil talk about his Year 6 play and it is such a fond memory for me and such a milestone in his school life.

I think it’s a great idea for someone else to take them and ask questions you could have helped prepare, you can then have a debrief with the other family member and help explain things to MiL.

I did a lot of caring for my DGM and took her to appointments etc, after she died I spoke to my DAunt and realised she felt guilty that I’d done all of the apointmernts and would have liked the opportunity to be more involved. Could it be similar for your in laws?

RhiWrites · 06/06/2018 07:06

There will be more medical appointments. There is only one chance to see the play.

KERALA1 · 06/06/2018 07:07

If it wasn't the year 6 leavers play my answer would be different. It's not wrapping in cotton wool to go to that Hmm I saw parents I'd never seen attend anything attend that event. It's quite milestone.

Cheby · 06/06/2018 07:08

Go to the play. You have already gone above and beyond for your PIL. And actually MIL is pretty unfair to expect it of you at all times.

Your DD will be devastated if you miss the play. Your PIL are adults and capable of listening to the information from a Doctor by themselves. Incidentally, how does FIL feel about MIL insisting you come along every time? Because I would feel patronised and infantilised I think, if it were me.

HRTpatch · 06/06/2018 07:08

The play without a doubt.
Your dh could go to the appointment if necessary.

MrsSchadenfreude · 06/06/2018 07:10

Go to the play. Someone else can go with your PIL, or they can record the appointment. Your MIL’s anxiety does not trump your DD’s play.

Mine are older now, but I juggled a full time job that needed to be balanced out against the DDs’ needs. I missed out on a lot of primary school stuff, but was there for plays, football matches, basketball finals etc. I asked DD1 the other week if she felt that she had missed out as I worked full time. She said that I was there for “the important things” (phew!) and I would class this play as important.

Fflamingo · 06/06/2018 07:10

I would get on board another sensible member of the family to accompany them and make notes whilst there, to make sure nothing is missed.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/06/2018 07:16

There are plenty of options, which don’t involve you going to the appointment. Yes, it’s really great to have a gp to come along. But this time it’s not possible.

Your mil seems to be easily flapped. Personally in your place, I would speak to the secretary and get permission for the consultant to a) conference call the appointment if it’s on time or b) record the call. Then give your in laws an exact cut off time when you will be in the hall to watch the play so they aren’t in a tizz if you don’t pick up. The best thing though would be for another family member to go tbh and record the call.

I know you said you will be in noisy crowds. I’m sure the school will give you a quiet place to make the call if you explain the circumstances and someone/your dh can reserve you a seat.

ArchchancellorsHat · 06/06/2018 07:17

Go to the play. It will mean a lot to you and to DD. MIL and FIL will be with a consultant, not have to miss the appointment altogether. They can ask someone else to go along if need be - it doesn't have to be a GP.

FoxtrotSkarloey · 06/06/2018 07:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 06/06/2018 07:20

Play for me.

MoveOnTheCards · 06/06/2018 07:21

Play. I’m sure your PILs will understand it’s important to your DD and you that you’re there for her and will be supportive, especially given the ongoing support you’ve given them with Fil’s medical issues.

You can give them a list of questions and go over the discussion with them afterwards.

QueenArnica · 06/06/2018 07:22

You’ve been incredibly supportive to date and whilst your PIL are understandably stressed, I really think you need to watch the play. Not everyone has a GP in the family and they need to make notes so you can assist with questions afterwards.

Honestly as a Mum of a year 6 child and a primary school teacher the leavers’ production is a really big deal to the kids and leaving primary school is a real rite of passage.

Good luck OP and hope the play goes well and all is ok with your FIL.

ElMarineroBaila · 06/06/2018 07:25

Since when do medical appointments require translation from a GP? Your PIL need to appreciate that you have other responsibilities. What would they do if you weren't a GP? They'd have to cope like everyone else.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 06/06/2018 07:26

Play definitely.
You presumably work part time to have time for your own kids.
The important thing is that the patient and the Consultant are in the appointment. Afterwards you can help your PIL understand the clinic letter.
You being there will be nice for MIL, but I doubt it will alter the outcome of the appointment. Whereas missing the play will be a big disappointment to you and your daughter.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 06/06/2018 07:27

It's rare there's only one showing of a play, there's usually two at least.

Why can't your DH do one? If he won't help. I'd be doing the appointment with FIL and asking school if I could watch the dress rehearsal after explaining the situation.

It doesn't matter if MIL is an adult, her husband is ill and she needs support. I couldn't sit watching a play whilst knowing she needed me. An eleven year old is capable of compassion and understanding.

ineedaholidaynow · 06/06/2018 07:29

Can't nurses sometimes sit in on appointments, especially if bad news is being given, to help provide explanations and support?

Also people suggesting DH goes to the appointment, it's not just Mums who go to school plays

Bibesia · 06/06/2018 07:30

I hope all those you are for the play never find themselves in a situation like this and really want someone with medical knowledge to be in attendance with them.

We probably won't, given that having someone in attendance with medical knowledge isn't an option for the vast majority of us, so the possibility won't even occur to us.

This might be a matter of life and death for the family. She is in the medical profession and understands the jargon.

Having OP there won't be a matter of life and death. It will make no difference to the way her FiL is treated. If they don't understand the jargon, they can ask the specialist or note it down and find out later. As pointed out, if the appointment had fallen on a day when OP was working or otherwise unavailable they would have had to do without her.

Iloveacurry · 06/06/2018 07:34

Go to the play. Your PIL has been very lucky so far that you have been able attend appointments with them. Surely they’ll understand.

Tinkobell · 06/06/2018 07:35

I think you should go to the play. Your kids are only small once, don't miss that!
You are helping ILs whenever you possibly can. You could always send your FIL with a brief handnote to the consultant saying you're family/GP wanted to co-attend but had an unavoidable clash...can you call him or their secretary if needed to clarify findings and actions.

diddl · 06/06/2018 07:35

Play.

You say that your MIL has asked you to be there-is your FIL actually bothered?

Perhaps someone else can go to support her this time?

As pointed out, you don't need a GP there to "translate"!

nooka · 06/06/2018 07:38

It's also worth noting that the appointment is one the FIL has been waiting for for months so it's unlikely that the consultation will involve telling the FIL that he is unexpectedly terminally ill. The OP said in her PP that the appointment was important which is why it is a dilemma for her but I think as she is a GP she is in a good position to know the sort of information that will be given or the decisions that might need to be made. I just think it's good to be reminded that the reason why she has been asked to be there is because MIL is anxious, and that her own wish to be there for an important event in her daughter's life is also important. I hope another family member is able and willing to step up.

mmzz · 06/06/2018 07:45

All your MIL to record the consultation on her mobile and then you can watch and listen to it later and talk them through it???