AIBU to ask for a handhold. My DD has come out as transgender

[AEJS]

This weekend my 14 year old DD told us she wanted to be a boy.
Whilst we are not surprised by this, she has always been a tomboy and has dressed in ‘boys’ clothes for 3 years now. She has a short haircut and completely rejects anything feminine, to actually hear her say it has come as a huge shock.

We have agreed initially to help her make small changes about the things that upset her the most, but nothing that can’t be reversed. After much research I have reluctantly agreed she can wear a breast binder and I have made her an appointment with the GP about going on the pill to stop her periods. While we are there we will also ask about counselling.

As a parent I feel completely distraught and totally out of my depth. I have no experience of this at all. I am spending my days crying and researching and then pulling on a brave face when she comes home from school. She knows I’m not finding it easy but has no idea how upset I am.

I have told her that whatever happens we love her and are behind her 100%.

Anyone any words of wisdom? Any voices of experience?
Thank you all for reading.

Get yourself to transgender trend.

And have another look at binders - they are damaging for growing boobs, and have other health implications from shortness of breath to cracked ribs.

I’m really sorry this is happening to you. Rapid onset gender dysphoria is exploding among teenage girls and needs careful handling.

There are several parents in the feminist section of mumsnet who've been through the same thing, you might get more feedback and help there than in AIBU.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights

I I don't udders the logic behind putting her on the pill-surely that would be a huge risk to take given that she is already in a vulnerable place re mental health. It is probably best to find a hoof physiatrist and follow their advice instead of making these decisions yourself.

for the shock. I hope that I never have to go through this.

What ^ said. Loads of girls and women reject feminine stuff. Doesn't make them male. What does being having short hair mean she can now do that she couldn't before.

Your statement that you're not surprised because she's always been tomboyish is odd if you don't mind me saying. Tomboy doesn't equal trans.

And yes revisit the breast binder issue - they are far from harmless. Not sure about asking for the pill either tbh.... I don't think your GP should or would subscribe in the absence of physical issues.

Any ASD traits? Any questioning of her sexuality?

Can you not just go all 'That's nice dear, what do you want for supper?'

Don't know where you are based OP but if in the south it may be worth getting in touch with Allsorts which has advice for both kids and parents.

Most of all just be there for you child and reassure that you love them. It must be really hard for you

http://www.allsortsyouth.org.uk

Avoid Mermaids though at all cost.

Mine said the same. It is cool at the moment. I said, sorry no medication, you can wear what you want. The novelty and attention seeking situation wore off. Honestly. It enfuriates me but this has become a THING. These are normal girls for the most part, going through puberty and not liking it because it is frankly shite. And then someone seems to have thought up a nice "opt out".

I’d just say be very careful as to where you get professional advice (psychology/psychiatry etc). Some people will treat her declaration as a fair accompli and it will be difficult to halt the process of transitioning thereafter. Definitely visit transgendertrend.

Pyramids advice is actually perfect. Don’t even go there with more serious assessments as yet.

And indeed, as mentioned above ASD which is often not dx in girls, plus possibility of being gay are huge factors here.

Get her off the internet

Can you not just go all 'That's nice dear, what do you want for supper?'

Whatever you do please don't say this!!!

Your child obviously trusts you enough to be open and honest with you, you owe it to them to take it seriously.

Tomboy doesn't equal trans

Does these days.

I feel for you OP, I hope your DD will be ok

I second looking into ASD. That loneliness and feeling like you don't fit in that can come with undiagnosed ASD can trick a person into thinking maybe THIS is the reason they don't belong upon discovery of all the trans stuff. Especially if they've found the online communities who support/encourage anyone questioning and she finally feels like she's got friends and a place she belongs. It's less about the gender thing and more about the loneliness.

Putting your child first does not necessarily mean encouraging the trans issue. I'd say it means exploring why your child feels changing their body will fix their life and talking talking talking.

do you know other women who had trouble accepting their body/gender expectations at a similar age who you can talk to?

Please, no breast binders, and reconsider putting her on the pill. Keep an eye on what she is reading online. There are good that will be encouraging her, and if she says you are not supporting her, they will turn her against you.
Don't speak to Mermaids. They, and others, will simply tell your daughter she can become a man. Look up Transgender Trend. If you are on Twitter, look up Transcriptional no. There is support for the parents, from people who have not swallowed the koolaid.
Tomboy does not equal male.
No-one can change sex.
Remind her you love her, be gentle, and look after yourself as well.

*Can you not just go all 'That's nice dear, what do you want for supper?'

Whatever you do please don't say this!!!*

What I meant was don't make it a 'thing'. Talk about how and why they feel like that, but don't treat them any differently. Treat the same as if your hold had come home with bright pink hair. It's often a rebellion - it's the cool thing to do. So parents just being nonchalant rather than all guns blazing is often an approach that works whilst reassuring your child that it doesn't phase you and you still love them.

Please please please don't let her wear a binder, a tight sports bra that holds them in place maybe but not a binder.

SmashedMug - that is so true. And there is SO much stuff on the internet now. I know my daughter and her friend have been swapping links to teen LGBT stuff. It's not inappropriate per se, but I will not accept this as more than a phase at this stage - though obviously I do not use that term with her.

Lacey, whilst it is very serious for those with full blown dysmorphia, there are a lot of women who grew out of it as it were. With the right kind of help and support girls can turn into women who are happy with themselves, rather than heading towrads medical transistionn with the known mental and physical health risks. It's a balancing act.

I am not sure that this isn't generally true for many problems that originate in the brain. Talking "therapies" for example may help some people avoid anti depressants.