AIBU to ask for a handhold. My DD has come out as transgender

[AEJS]

This weekend my 14 year old DD told us she wanted to be a boy.
Whilst we are not surprised by this, she has always been a tomboy and has dressed in ‘boys’ clothes for 3 years now. She has a short haircut and completely rejects anything feminine, to actually hear her say it has come as a huge shock.

We have agreed initially to help her make small changes about the things that upset her the most, but nothing that can’t be reversed. After much research I have reluctantly agreed she can wear a breast binder and I have made her an appointment with the GP about going on the pill to stop her periods. While we are there we will also ask about counselling.

As a parent I feel completely distraught and totally out of my depth. I have no experience of this at all. I am spending my days crying and researching and then pulling on a brave face when she comes home from school. She knows I’m not finding it easy but has no idea how upset I am.

I have told her that whatever happens we love her and are behind her 100%.

Anyone any words of wisdom? Any voices of experience?
Thank you all for reading.

I'm committing a sin I know by saying I've not read the full thread, but I've got to the bottom of page1 and just wanted to say OP, I can completely understand.

My 14 yr old DD is insistent she is non-gender binary. She has shown no inclination growing up that she was unhappy in anyway being a girl. In fact, she was pink this, sparkly that, etc. Even now I point out to her that doesn't dress as if she has no gender, she still wears feminine make-up and dresses (think goth/anime). After she came home and said she was changing her name, which school agreed to, we are now with CAHMS because I have said I want to ensure this IS her and not anything else influencing her. FWIW she is suspected ASD High functioning (aka Aspergers) and we are going through that assessment at present.

She has also come out as gay, and I have said that I can see as she never showed any interest in boys in anyway growing up or even now in her teens.

It's a shock, I feel she is being influenced by some YouTube media stuff, as well as trying to fit in with her peers as she has always struggled with this (hence the ASD assessment).

So I can understand the being knocked for six, the sense of loss, but I am also reminded that she (they?) are still here, still being the same old kooky child she's always been. I'm just looking at it as her expressing herself for the moment. {hugs}

Thousands of transgender people commit suicide each year due to people like you!

No they don't. Shut up.

Small point, Mermaids have been barred from contact with a child by a high court judge. Transgender trend haven’t.

Oh yes and I hated puberty, was gutted when I started to grow breasts, found periods beyond awful and perhaps if it was today might have thought I should be a boy.

But I was and still am definitely female, just a different sort of female (and I have no issue with my body now)

Thousands of transgender people commit suicide each year due to people like you!

Utter bullshit. Cite your sources.

OP please go to a professional I would recommend an lgbt friendly organisation.I would like to go against the PP and would give mermaids a try it's good to get a wide range of different support networks for this issue. Please avoid Transphobic groups and opinions eg. ChattyLion who I will be soon reporting. Transgender suicide is not a myth

Transgender Trend here, just want to make sure you know that this is an anti-trans group,

No they're not. They're an anti-take blockers aged 8 or have a double mastectomy aged 14 group. They advocate watch and wait. Same as the NHS.

Lots of good advice OP. It's great that she's talking to you. As so many have said - acceptance, listening to her, watching and waiting is the way to go (as well as support for yourself). The increase in Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria is worrying - there's lots of evidence of social contagion. Banning the internet (desirable as it sounds) is probably impossible but I'd be monitoring her use for her own protection and limiting it (switch off the wi fi after a certain time). And also keeping her engaged with real life - sport, family activities, things she'll enjoy - cinema, meals out, coffee out with you, - literally anything that keeps her engaged with real life - and make sure she keeps up with school work. Her head must be all over the place so keeping her in touch and involved with real life just makes sure that any decisions she makes are grounded in reality - she's a rounded person and not just defined by this (if you see what I mean?)
Wishing you all the best - and as others have said, there's a lot of parents in your position - transgendertrend will NOT push you into any position but will offer support.

Transgendertrend is a parents group. They’re parents of trans kids, they’ve also produced a useful resource pack for schools.

Laceystace this claim has been debunked. It is socially irresponsible to keep repeating false information about suicide as it can contribute to suicide contagion.

Totally agree with JoyTheUnicorn. I could have written the same post. I’m not transphobic or any other phobic but the amount of kids declaring they’re transgender is incredible and I can’t believe for one minute that there are so many transgender people around now. It is a very real issue for a minority but if teens and pubescent kids feel confused, that they don’t fit in, are struggling with the huge physical and emotional changes they are undergoing, that doesn’t make them transgender. They may have teenage angst, some may be gay, some may just feel all over the place, but given understanding, love, acceptance and compassion, I bet in hindsight, many will be glad no major changes were made to their bodies while they were feeling so mixed up.

Thousands of transgender people commit suicide each year

If trans people are killing themselves every year in such high numbers (and no doubt allegedly being murdered in high numbers too) then how are there even any trans people left?

There aren't that many trans people in the first place so surely if they really were killing themselves in droves then there wouldn't be any left. Yet clearly this is not the case.

I suspect your suicide "figures" are a little off.

I I don't udders the logic behind putting her on the pill-surely that would be a huge risk to take given that she is already in a vulnerable place re mental health.

I went on the pill at 14 for PMDD and it completely saved my mental health. Everyone’s different, maybe overwhelming hormones aren’t helping the OP’s DD think clearly and a break from them wouldn’t be a bad thing.

for you OP, also gone through this with a close family member.

Transgender trend isn't an anti trans group, it's against assuming straight away that a child is trans, and putting that child, who is likely to desist, through a lifetime of medication and treatments that might leave the child sterile and sexually dysfunctional.

If a person is indeed trans, that's fine, but the decision to medicate or surgically remove body parts should be done as an adult.
At 15 I would have quite happily asked to have my breasts removed if I knew it was an option. I'm so very, very pleased that my immature teenage self didn't have that option!

Laceystace I don’t want to derail the thread of the OP who is seeking support. However, you may also find the transgender trend evidence checking page about suicide (that I linked to above) helpful, if that is what you believe.

I am sorry for you. I know how hard this is for any parent. Being concerned for your child is natural and doesn't make you transphobic.

Right now your DD probably knows much more than you about matters trans. I suggest you rectify that. Knowledge is power but if you are going to help your DD you need to understand how she (I will use the pronouns you use) is feeling, what she is reading and generally be two steps ahead, not two steps behind. With respect to Trans Trend, I don't see how reading their material helps you. Moreover, it's obviously from a particular position and your daughter could see it as an attempt to manipulate her. Mermaids is much better. If you don't like it, you don't need share it with your DD but it will better educate you as to what your DD might be reading / hearing / watching.

Remember, the vast majority of children who feel this way grow out of it. You don't know yet whether your daughter will or won't. In your place I would ask, "How long have you felt like this?" If the answer is "As early as I can remember." then you are probably dealing with something deep-seated. If the response is "I have realised over the past few months" then it is more likely to pass with time. Not certain. In many cases the identity is formed at birth but there is some late-onset incidence.

As to the particular issue with breast binding, I think that's a tough one. There are good reasons to be concerned but if your DD is dysphoric all the trans men I have known struggled with their breasts very much. If she doesn't bind that might make the dysphoria worse and make her want to go further, faster. I don't think there is an answer which is right in all cases. In some ways it depends on breast size too.

I would also recommend the following website

genderedintelligence.co.uk

I'm sure this a trend. My daughter has come out as lesbian (I'd already guessed ages ago) and two of her friends are trans apparently.

OP

I've seen a lot of people promoting Transgender Trend here, just want to make sure you know that this is an anti-trans group

Uh, Transgender Trend is run by parents of trans children.

How would you know? Are you an expert in the field? I can feel a tiny bit of transphobia on this thread.

Are you?

And no, there isn't.

Transgender Trend are uninformed bigots. Mermaids, on the other hand, actually know what they're talking about.

QUITE the reverse.

Please let's remember this is a parent asking for help and keep disagreements off this thread? She's got a number of suggestions about different organisations which she can look at - there are plenty of threads on mumsnet where everyone can debate the rights and wrongs of issues?

Transgender Trend are not anti Trans OP. They are run by parents of trans kids. The CEO of Mermaids, Susie Green took her son to Thailand for SRS on his 16th birthday. Mermaids will encourage blockers, hormones and surgery Transgender Trend advocate a wait and see policy.

Another voice here saying don't use mermaids. They made me feel like shit for questioning what my child said. They pushed and pushed getting blockers and called me abusive when I refused them. They are unquestioning in their beliefs and that isn't good when you're talking about 8 and 9 year olds making huge life choices about their fertility.