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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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AIBU to ask for a handhold. My DD has come out as transgender

450 replies

AEJS · 05/06/2018 19:46

This weekend my 14 year old DD told us she wanted to be a boy.
Whilst we are not surprised by this, she has always been a tomboy and has dressed in ‘boys’ clothes for 3 years now. She has a short haircut and completely rejects anything feminine, to actually hear her say it has come as a huge shock.

We have agreed initially to help her make small changes about the things that upset her the most, but nothing that can’t be reversed. After much research I have reluctantly agreed she can wear a breast binder and I have made her an appointment with the GP about going on the pill to stop her periods. While we are there we will also ask about counselling.

As a parent I feel completely distraught and totally out of my depth. I have no experience of this at all. I am spending my days crying and researching and then pulling on a brave face when she comes home from school. She knows I’m not finding it easy but has no idea how upset I am.

I have told her that whatever happens we love her and are behind her 100%.

Anyone any words of wisdom? Any voices of experience?
Thank you all for reading.

OP posts:
WittyJack · 08/06/2018 10:13

Argh that should have said "to be upset initially". ie I don't think it's transphobic to be upset that your child isn't happy with who they are, but it IS transphobic if you don't listen, learn, understand what makes your own child happy. That might take time - people are human. Squealing "transphobia" at everything just detracts from the actual issues and real transphobia.

HollyGibney · 08/06/2018 10:17

Maybe people close to you said that to you, maybe your family were not accepting, but as an adult during that time I can tell you that was not a society wide attitude.

freegazelle · 08/06/2018 10:20

Mumsnet is an awful place to ask for advice on this - try to find local support groups.

I know nothing about breast binders, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with going on the pill to stop periods. Many people do this for various reasons. (Taking the pill with a "break" for a period was only advised to keep opponents of the pill happy 70 years ago!)

justanotheruser18 · 08/06/2018 10:33

@StrangeLookingParasite I don't think phobia in the case of transphobia necessarily has to do with fear, isn't it the negative attitudes that are damaging?

justanotheruser18 · 08/06/2018 10:36

@HollyGibney Ah yes that's probably it. Well I'm glad in that case, that it wasn't a wide spread belief.

KittyKlaws · 08/06/2018 10:40

They just refuse to accept that trans people exist

I was shouted down by people who are uninterested in listening to the one trans voice in the entire thread.

Are you saying the other trans people on this thread don't exist then? Confused

OP you have had great advice here so I won't repeat it. I just wanted to add a voice of support as this is likely a difficult time for your daughter and for you. You care enough to be here and ask for advice so I know you will be the caring support your daughter needs however she plans to proceed. So I'm just here sending you both some love. If it helps to discuss here I hope you feel you can and I hope every thread doesn't turn into a circus. Being a teen (and young adult) is such a confusing and difficult time - I had considerable issues with my body and growing up and I recall the pain I went through inside above all else confused teens need love and to know you are there for them and will love them regardless.

KittyKlaws · 08/06/2018 10:42

I am sorry for the woeful punctuation in the last sentence.

ChiefClerkDrumknott · 08/06/2018 11:43

It's your child. Which group do you think is most reliable?

The latter, gender critical ones who do not advocate unnecessary, untrialled medical intervention on a young girl who has expressed feelings about her body that many young girls do, and who so far has been described as just not being girly, just like many of the women on this thread. I would not want her to be put on hormones or use a potentially damaging breast binder at a crucial point in her development.

OP I hope your daughter is ok and I’m sure you’re helping her with this. Let her know that it’s normal to dislike your body when it’s changing so much and that she can do whatever she likes and present however she likes regardless of her sex. Many of us have been in the same position she’s in and are now happy with ourselves

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 08/06/2018 12:50

Justanother, back in the day I, and about 4 others in my class of 30 would have told anyone who asked that we were bisexual. We weren't. It was just really fashionable. And snogging girls got us a shedload of attention.

Teenagers try on identities all the time. They also act their angst and misery out in ways that change from generation to generation. My DC's generation cut themselves. When I was young it was class As and anorexia.

SpandexTutu · 08/06/2018 15:21

Teenagers try on identities all the time. They also act their angst and misery out in ways that change from generation to generation.

^ This!

Voice0fReason · 08/06/2018 22:58

Trans people have always and will always exist. They need support and acceptance. However, there are many people who identify as trans when they are actually confused. They need support to work out their own identity without feeling pushed in any direction. A high proportion of teenagers who identify as trans will detransition.
Being trans can be a part of identity experimentation.

'I doubt any child wanting this is doing it because it's cool'
The young man in the video was trans. He was encouraged by the responses he got from other people when he started presenting more feminine. He talks about this and how he has now detransitioned and accepted that he is just gay. It scares him how close he got to taking medical steps to transition.

If the OPs daughter had come out as gay I doubt there would be advice to direct her to the 'lesbian trend' website and dismiss her feelings as a fad.
Because there is no potential long-term harm from trying out different sexuality. Starting down the road of being trans can put children on a treadmill that can be hard to get off and can lead to permanent harm.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/06/2018 02:38

VoiceOfReason
I watched the video. Poor guy. Still incredibly screwed up. I don’t doubt his story. But why force yourself to cry on camera to promote you music video?

Albadross · 09/06/2018 10:40

I wish people would stop claiming that trans people are at much higher risk of taking their own lives. As a long time mental health campaigner I find this completely irresponsible - you're using suicide as a weapon.

Those of us who are gender critical are not saying 'I did this when I was 14 so this is definitely what's happening to your child', they're simply saying that of course teenage years are a time of general transition, from childhood to adulthood, working out who the heck you are and feeling that you have to make life decisions you're ill-prepared for about careers etc. There's not a single person who can look back and think 'ah yes, I still feel/think everything I thought when I was 14'. On the other side I see people telling the OP that because they're trans, they know exactly what the child is going through - how can that make sense?

You have to consider ALL possibilities, whether that's ASD (which was true in my case and led me down a lot of dead ends of identity which I would've bet my life would be me forever), being gay, just going through a normal transition into adulthood and navigating the world differently because of that or being trans.

That's what watching and waiting is about - allowing a child time and space to develop their own thinking, explore different identities (and often find out they simply just want to feel supported by a community and feel that hugely important sense of belonging) and do so in a safe way. All identities develop in relation to those around us, so of course we're influenced by our peers and things we see others doing. There are many things that feel core to humanity that we think we have chosen in a vacuum, but actually our brains are extremely susceptible to suggestion.

Ereshkigal · 09/06/2018 10:41

I wish people would stop claiming that trans people are at much higher risk of taking their own lives. As a long time mental health campaigner I find this completely irresponsible - you're using suicide as a weapon.

This.

Bigotbut · 23/10/2018 23:05

OP - your daughter is lucky. She has a mum she obviously trusts to help her. And the fact you are trying to figure it out even when you find it challenging - means you will find the best way to help her.

When my eldest was 8 - she decided she was in the wrong body. As i had been similar until puberty kicked in, we watched and waited and let her talk but didnt make a big deal. She was referred to a gender clinic a few years ago. Do not believe everything you read on mn about clinics encouraging children to undergo surgery etc . My daughter's psychologist has taken a very gentle watchful approach. She has been a safe space for my daughter to explore her gender identity. She has helped me so much as well - to find the best ways to support my daughter. All support is unfortunately not equal. Most of my friends have been wonderful but i have had to take a step back for a while from one of my closest, more gender critical friends because she struggled to put aside her ideology so she could listen and empathise and i felt very let down. I suspect you may find it tricky to find listening and empathy on mn. I guess all of us have our agendas whether based in ideology or lived experience. But if you do want someone to chat to - message me. And good luck. X

jakeosaure · 04/06/2020 19:18

Hey, trans guy here. I have read through this thread and noticed people seem to be sending a lot of misinformation around.

First of all, binders are not as dangerous as people are making them out to be. Yes, they can damage your ribs but this is typically dependant on the company you buy from (avoid cheap ones off amazon and anything that uses clips.) You best option is to buy one from GC2B or Underworks. Make sure you get the right size and don't let them wear it for more than 8 hours per day (encourage them to take breaks if they're in pain or struggling to breath).

Putting them on the pill does is a good idea, it can't really do any lasting damage. Lots of ftm (female to male transgender) people I know find periods to be really difficult so it should help them a lot.

As for the whole transitioning side of things, encourage your child to take it slow. It's so frustrating not being able to transition, I'm in an environment where I can't be out to the ones around me cause I don't know if I'll be kicked out or mistreated so I can understand why they want to start the medical side of transitioning as soon as possible. This isn't a great idea though as most of it is irreversible so you should make sure your child is 100% ready before they start hormones or get any surgeries (though I don't believe surgery is available to under 18s).

The best thing to do is let them socially transition and make them attend gender therapy. Social transition involves letting your kid live as the gender they identify as, going by their preferred name and pronouns to make sure they're comfortable with it (I believe this at the very least used to be a requirement for medically transitioning under NHS). Gender therapy is like regular therapy accept about gender, it gives people a safe space to talk about their gender identity without judgement with someone who understands what they're going through.

You said you were struggling from it and I can understand why, this is a huge thing to put a yourself through. If you need support, attend therapy. It will give you a safe space to vent about how it's impacting you and will hopefully make this far less stressful. But don't forget that what your child is going through is horrible.
Gender dysphoria made me suicidal and depressed, for years I felt like I'd never be happy because I was always trying to be a "girl" like society wanted me to be. When I came out to mum at 15 she yelled at me and called me a waste of money and said I'd never be her son which hurt like Hell and has had a huge impact on my mental health. I'm nearly 17 and I feel like I'm only just starting to find myself. Transitioning is a scary road and your child needs your support and love more than ever.

It's clear you love your child and it's commendable how much you're supporting them, it's also very normal to find this hard and scary. Try and find parents of trans kids online or watch trans youtubers (I'll link some good videos by trans youtubers at the bottom of this post.)

I don't know how helpful this comment is (I mean this thread is really old) but if any parents of trans kids happen to be reading this I hope it helped you in someway :)

Helpful Links:

(made by a trans man called Miles and features stories from lgbt parents) (another video by Miles, shows his transitioning experience during his first year on testosterone) (video by a trans man named Sam in which he talks with his mum about his transition) (video showing how you can support your trans child and how it will help them) (video by trans women named London who made and Q&A video with her mum)

www.gc2b.co/ (GC2B website)

www.underworks.com/ (Underworks website)

clarepetal · 04/06/2020 19:37

Sounds like you have done the right thing. Being really supportive and asking for counselling for your child. Your great, I'd ask for counselling for yourself too, to get your head round things x

Mummyshark2019 · 06/06/2020 00:30

Zombie thread.

Caplin · 06/06/2020 00:41

Sadly Mumsnet is not the place to look for good, unbiased advice on this.

It may be a phase, it may be that you daughter feels trapped in the wrong body.

Speak to experts, not the internet.

I have a large number of trans friends who were confident in their choice (many made the choice later in life), and many who were gender confused before settling on the body they were born in, and gender/love choices that they felt comfortable with.

There is a lot to process and good counselling will help.

BlackForestCake · 06/06/2020 02:33

In 20 Years your comments will seem just as stupid and hateful as anti gay rhetoric from the 80s or racial segregation beliefs from the 60s.

I can confidently predict than in 20 years the comments that will sound stupid and hateful are those that suggested it was better to give girls untested cancer drugs and cut their breasts off, than to patiently help them come to terms with what sex they are.

mathanxiety · 06/06/2020 06:13

Teenagers try on identities all the time. They also act their angst and misery out in ways that change from generation to generation. My DC's generation cut themselves. When I was young it was class As and anorexia.

This ^^.

I'm 55, have seen it all.

claireyjs · 06/06/2020 06:33

Talk to DDs school, the SENCO or ELSA teams. They will be able to offer support to both of you. My school has supported students in this situation and your school may be able to help more than you know.

ShirleyB25 · 06/06/2020 06:43

This is a ZOMBIE THREAD for anyone giving advice to the OP

mathanxiety · 06/06/2020 08:09

ah, poop...

YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 06/06/2020 11:45

Hello everyone - as this is a reanimated zombie thread, we're closing it now.

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