AIBU to ask for a handhold. My DD has come out as transgender

[AEJS]

This weekend my 14 year old DD told us she wanted to be a boy.
Whilst we are not surprised by this, she has always been a tomboy and has dressed in ‘boys’ clothes for 3 years now. She has a short haircut and completely rejects anything feminine, to actually hear her say it has come as a huge shock.

We have agreed initially to help her make small changes about the things that upset her the most, but nothing that can’t be reversed. After much research I have reluctantly agreed she can wear a breast binder and I have made her an appointment with the GP about going on the pill to stop her periods. While we are there we will also ask about counselling.

As a parent I feel completely distraught and totally out of my depth. I have no experience of this at all. I am spending my days crying and researching and then pulling on a brave face when she comes home from school. She knows I’m not finding it easy but has no idea how upset I am.

I have told her that whatever happens we love her and are behind her 100%.

Anyone any words of wisdom? Any voices of experience?
Thank you all for reading.

@KeepOnMumming

Great post on Tue 05-Jun-18 21:11:48

GibbertyFlibbert where do you get your 90% from? People are not necessarily sharing all of their own experiences. They are trying to be relevant and truthful but they will not necessarily say everything on an anonymous forum so I don't think you can truly know what experience we all have of this topic!

I'm willing to believe that those offering thoughts different from my own may well think they have the child's best interests at heart. Why are people who disagree with a 'watch and wait' view not willing to believe those of us advocating for that are not also suitably motivated by concern for this child?

Italian. I know that was a rhetorical question. It’s so infuriating that this is the card they always play. Gaslighting and making themselves into the victim. Mature adults with good mental health simply don’t act this way. They are assured in their views and opinions but allow others to have others. It’s so easy to get hooked and wrapped up in these arguments. I know this is just the karpman drama triangle being played out and it’s so hard to not bite back.

The OP wanted a handheld, quite frankly I could do with one too, as I am in a similar situation. Can we not just give a handhold? We might have opinions, but just acknowledging a parent's distress isn't too much to ask for, is it?

The transphobia on MumsNet is shocking. You are being a very supportive parent. Take things slow. Definitely great to look into counselling. Be there for your child as you are, they need you.

'Because actually this IS cool at the moment and for most it IS a phase.'

This is what people used to say back in the 90s/00s about being gay. I understand, however, that the fundamental impact on someone's life is bigger if they decide to transition (medically) rather than have same sex relationships.

It's not transphobic to point out that 80% of children who identify as trans desist. I suspect that's a lot higher than the desistance rate of those who come out as gay. Many children who initially identify as trans actually decide that's they're gay in the end. And while you can't catch the gay or the trans, there is an element of social contagion involved, particularly for those kids who desist

As ever, do report any transphobia to MN

This is what people used to say back in the 90's/00s about being gay

They really didn't you know. Are you quite young? Because I was around in those decades and no one was saying that. I had a huge circle of friends and quite a percentage were gay and totally accepted.

The transphobia on MumsNet is shocking.

Failing to unquestionably accept everything trans rights activists say is not transphobia. (Which is a stupid term anyway - fear doesn't enter into it. If anything it would be ...mistransgenderism? Dislike, not fear, anyway).

@justanotheruser18
Stop fucking shutting down debate by tacking phobia on the end of everything and try actually using your brain to engage in a discussion.

I'm getting on a bit now, I don't think anyone of my generation thought that being gay was a phase. There will always be people who are anti gay, sometimes for religious reasons, sometimes for other reasons, sometimes for no reason at all. But most of my friends didn't really care about others sex/romantic lives. Neither do I ; but I do care about people taking hormones and modifying the body so there is no going back. Who picks up the pieces if it goes wrong?

For me there are two issues.

As a mother I want to do my imperfect best to show my daughter that being female isn't about living a life where you are constricted by 'feminine stereotypes'. So if she wants to play sports that used to be considered male, or do jobs that used to be considered male and doesn't have interest in doing stereotypically female things, I'd see it as my job to say, 'As a woman you can do all these non-stereotypical things, and I support you in doing this.' I don't see it as my job instantly to say, 'I support you in harming your body and taking medication whose long-term effects are unproven.' (It might be that after lengthy exploration, it appeared that this was her best chance of happiness, but it does seem a lot more healthy to explore the 'You can do whatever you want to do route.')

The second observation is just based on my dealings with my daughter's peer group at university. They do take gender identity with a kind of religious zealotry. So my daughter has a lovely friend X, who comes from a seriously privileged background. At one point in the first yeear daughter informed me 'X is a lesbian.' I nodded and took a mental note to put this with all the other scraps of information about her group of friends, so I don't annoy her by forgetting.

During the second year my daughter informed me 'X is polyamorous. She is in a relationship with two people.' So I said 'Well I hope they are nice women and that this is happy. ' To which my daughter said, 'They're both men. But of course, one of them is non-binary.' I could have queried the fact that my daughter was still describing X as a lesbian but decided against it.

This year my daughter informed me that X is now going out with Y. Y is a man from an equally privileged background. (Famous public school. Lives in a house that is 500 years old.) So my private thoughts were that X wants all the fashionable labels, but is also not averse - at present - to doing the thing which is most conventional and predictable in terms of her background.

So, I think a degree of detachment from the experimentation and confusion of the young is quite helpful. They do different things at different times and take it all terribly seriously. We just have to try and stop them harming themselves along the way.

Jennie(sorry can't do bold type) , you have summed up my point of view precisely. Many thanks.

The OP didn't't just ask for a hand hold. She also said "Anyone any words of wisdom? Any voices of experience?"

She may feel overwhelmed by the thread and may not be posting but may be reading. Others, with children in similar situations, may be reading or lurking.

Great post Jennie. Sensible and measured.

It's the fact that it has descended into a rant about whether people are transphobic that I find distressing. Measured comments are one thing, but accusations are , to me, not helpful.

Equivoxin, there is a real trans on this thread GuineaPigsAreReal. Look at their posts. They as the only actual trans (you say you identify as neither gender, therefore you are not trans) offered sound advice. Please stop hijacking a term that you are not. GuineaPigsAreReal offered sage advice, I suggest you read THEIR posts and stop living in your bubble of denial and stop abusing posters on here. Thank you.

By the way Equivoxin has started a twitter thread screen shotting posts from this thread and ranting about what transphobic meanies we are and how horrific her experience has been at our hands. Not much response as yet though...

justanotheruser18
Wtf are you talking about? No I know came out as gay for shits and giggles or as a passing phase and no one I knew ever said they did. Are you even old enough to remember?

Really Holly. Not enough drama created on this thread so let’s go and stir it up on Twitter.

@DeepFatFriar I'm didn't mean to 'shut down' debate. I'm pointing out obvious prejudice. As others have. And frankly, your post in response to mine hardly stirred the conversation into a riveting new direction either.

@Mummyoflittledragon Definitely old enough to remember and did you even read what I wrote? Because I definitely didn't write that being gay is a phase. Fml.

Yes there was one already, which Equivoxin contributed to and then after their contributions to this thread they went and started another of their own attention seeking detailing all our "transphobic" abuse. I feel like Equivoxin is loving having her own personal "transphobic" experience to rant about and will be dining out on it for quite some time.

I don't think it's transphobic to be upset if your child wants to transition. You have a son or a daughter with all the ideas and expectations and dreams that parents have when they have children - it must be hard to wrap your head around all that changing; wondering what the future will be like; and mostly all the implications for your child.

It's transphobic if you refuse flatly to get onboard with it, even if it takes a bit of time to accept. It's transphobic if you can see that they are happier and you refuse to accept that. It's transphobic if you cut them off. It's transphobic if you try to block an adult from living and loving as they want to live. Etc.

@HollyGibney well in my experience they DID. I was a child of that time growing up gay... so I have a pretty good understanding.