AIBU to ask for a handhold. My DD has come out as transgender

[AEJS]

This weekend my 14 year old DD told us she wanted to be a boy.
Whilst we are not surprised by this, she has always been a tomboy and has dressed in ‘boys’ clothes for 3 years now. She has a short haircut and completely rejects anything feminine, to actually hear her say it has come as a huge shock.

We have agreed initially to help her make small changes about the things that upset her the most, but nothing that can’t be reversed. After much research I have reluctantly agreed she can wear a breast binder and I have made her an appointment with the GP about going on the pill to stop her periods. While we are there we will also ask about counselling.

As a parent I feel completely distraught and totally out of my depth. I have no experience of this at all. I am spending my days crying and researching and then pulling on a brave face when she comes home from school. She knows I’m not finding it easy but has no idea how upset I am.

I have told her that whatever happens we love her and are behind her 100%.

Anyone any words of wisdom? Any voices of experience?
Thank you all for reading.

I doubt any child wanting to go through did is doing it because 'its cool' this is a very serious thing for your dd

Actually massive numbers of them do. Very large numbers also confuse their feelings of attention for the same sex as meaning they're trans, and the incidence of ASD kids, particularly girls, who think they're trans as teenagers is incredibly high.

The vast majority will not identify as trans in ten years time.

Sorry you're going through this op. My daughter did the same but has since desisted. For many this really is just a phase, so you need to be wary of encouraging her to do anything that makes it harder for her to change her mind about this. It's hard to be a gender nonconforming kid right now, with trans stuff all over the media and public consciousness.

As PPs have said, avoid mermaids like the plague and reconsider the binder, those things can cause some serious damage

This was me last year with my now 16 y/o dd, shes currently recieving councilling to determine exactly what shes wanting, i refused breast binders due to health implications- but most of all, i let her know how proud i was of her for trusting me enough to share what must have been a pretty big burden for her, and that i will love her no matter what. I dont mind her wearing boy or girl clothes, i dont mind her wanting to be called by a boys name and i dont mind her being a boy at school around her friends. I just want her to be happy. Good luck 💐

'I doubt any child wanting this is doing it because it's cool'

Mine did.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s bound to be a shock, but you are doing the right thing by supporting them and letting them talk about it and asking people for help.

I have no practical advice. I’m currently dealing with my child coming out (not transgender though) it’s tough and I don’t think I always say the right thing, but I’m trying.

titchy

How would you know? Are you an expert in the field? I can feel a tiny bit of transphobia on this thread. How is this 'just a phase'. Take her to a counselor OP. I would recommend you go to counselling as well. Please be with her while she's going through this transition. don't fight it.

Is there any way at all you could take her away - go somewhere completely different - South America, India, Africa - for a month or so. Just to completely take her away from things and a chance to reflect on so many other things/challenges in life?

That should be, look at @TransCriticalMo on twitter.

💐💐💐 OP

If you haven’t heard of him, googling Gender Critical Dad might be useful. He has had a similar experience with his daughter, though of course as his name suggests he comes at it from a sceptical position so his perspective may or may not be appropriate for your daughter’s situation.

Because actually this IS cool at the moment and for most it IS a phase. This is not transphobia. This is sensible parents who know their children well.

There can't be many 14 year olds that are comfortable in their own body. Give it time. Let her know that it's normal to be confused about a lot of things at her age.

When I was growing up I didn’t relate at all to being female. I wore boys clothes and felt more like a boy. But then I felt misplaced in general. I have a lot of strong asd traits and both my children have asd so for me I think it’s a strong possibility. I feel for kids growing up now. In a way transgender, non binary etc have helped a lot of people identify who they are but for some kids growing up is just that growing up and it’s complicated and confusing and it’s easier to give it a label. I felt the need for it when I was growing up as I just felt like I was crazy. And the stuff inside my head was too much.

I’d try to not make a big thing of it but be pleased she’s opened up to you. But not go down the route of things that aren’t reversible. I’d also agree no binders.

Good luck to you and your dd.

Hi, going through similar but taking a Watch and see approach, there are five girls in my dd’s friendship group all claiming to be trans, she is 13, they are between 13 and 15 and it appears to be the thing to do at the moment. This website is what the schools are using www.transgendertrend.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Transgender-Trend-Resource-Pack-for-Schools.pdf

Please reconsider on the binder, I’d have hated to have boobs at that age and jumped at a binder had I not been so flat chested and I am so pleased that they were not available, they cause no end of health issues, please also really think it all through but whilst being supportive and keep talking, maybe try and say when you’re older and asking why they think they’re a boy, what makes a boy , my dh explained to my dd he doesn’t feel like a boy he just feels like himself. It’s a scary time puberty and inferring with blockers etc can have catastrophic effects in years to come, I’m wary my dd might come to me as an adult and ask why the hell didn’t you stop me hence taking all the blame it is exhausting and I wish you all well.

I am not transphobic at all. I do however recognise that there are many issues affecting teenage girls and their dislike of the changes to their bodies which are a normal thing going through puberty and are not dysphoria related.

Lacey. You seem very keen for the op to uncritically pursue medical transition for her child, which might be against the child's best interests. Accusing other posters, who recommend a more cautious approach, of transphobia is both untrue and unhelpful. Nobody has said anything transphobic.

cheeseencheetos this is a 14 year old. Of course her parents should be giving her guidance and considering all options rather than just letting her do whatever she wants.

Laceystacey of course some people do need to transition to be happy. But undeniably being trans is cool among many young people at the moment. Many teen transitioners will eventually desist. Taking into account the normal levels of confusion most adolescents go through, it makes sense for parents in the OP’s position to be cautious. Not because being trans is bad, or because trans people don’t exist; but because teenagers are changing fast and things that seem clear to them one day can change the next.

Anyway, I do not want to derail this thread, OP - 💐 for you again. I hope others here can help. Sending you positive energy.

I can feel a tiny bit of transphobia on this thread.

What you feel is parents with a wealth of experience who are aware that for the majority of teens this is temporary, and that embarking on any course of action that even suggests it could be permanent makes it doubly difficult for the majority who will change their mind.

Transsexual adults MN in general fully supports and wishes well and stands by them in fighting any discrimination they may encounter.

But in common with most parents MN will not support any course of action that is detrimental to a child's well being, and some of the trans routes suggested are downright dangerous.

Common sense and cautious waiting are what is called for. Nothing more nothing less.

Can I also say I think there is no one way or another on this, I keep seeing threads with people saying don’t fight it as above and let them, transition and others saying absolutely no way, I think you know your child best but and that is a big but I personally think the best way is to wait it out and see, definitely not go down the blocker route as there isn’t enough evidence as to how it will have an impact in the future, my child will not be an experiment for anyone, and I think anyone that has your child’s best interest at heart would take a wait and see approach and not rush it all, they’re so young and it’s so confusing being 14 at the best of times without all of this added pressure to label oneself as anything at all, all children should just me who they are without a label.

Can you not just go all 'That's nice dear, what do you want for supper?' No that's a horrible idea. It's obviously been very difficult for DD to bring this up with her parents and it would be awful for to have those feelings blithely dismissed as unimportant.

I can see you've been given some great advice already, so just from me

I would seek specialist advice and advice from people who have been through similar.

People on AIBU have strong often biased views on trans issues and the vast majority have no specialist knowledge and no experience (and in some cases not much empathy).