AIBU to ask for a handhold. My DD has come out as transgender

[AEJS]

This weekend my 14 year old DD told us she wanted to be a boy.
Whilst we are not surprised by this, she has always been a tomboy and has dressed in ‘boys’ clothes for 3 years now. She has a short haircut and completely rejects anything feminine, to actually hear her say it has come as a huge shock.

We have agreed initially to help her make small changes about the things that upset her the most, but nothing that can’t be reversed. After much research I have reluctantly agreed she can wear a breast binder and I have made her an appointment with the GP about going on the pill to stop her periods. While we are there we will also ask about counselling.

As a parent I feel completely distraught and totally out of my depth. I have no experience of this at all. I am spending my days crying and researching and then pulling on a brave face when she comes home from school. She knows I’m not finding it easy but has no idea how upset I am.

I have told her that whatever happens we love her and are behind her 100%.

Anyone any words of wisdom? Any voices of experience?
Thank you all for reading.

Please let DD have a binder and the pill. Discuss with the GP - let her talk to the doctor on his/her own.
Talk to her/him about it be open about how you feel but also respect how hard this must have been for them. (Which I'm sure you are!x)
Maybe see if there's a name they would like to go by. (If they don't have one yet suggest the name you would have used for a boy)
Pronouns as well. See if there is anything else they need from you. The binder may have impacts, (as someone else has said) but the impact on her/his mental health is a lot more if they are forced into a way they don't feel comfortable.
I understand this must be so hard for you, and I am so happy to hear your open to this and being supportive already.
In terms of irreversible treatments the doctors have to agree they are mentally ready, there's a long process. So don't worry about anything like that potentially happening too quickly.

You might find YouTube has a lot of information
Good luck OP to you and your family
Any questions I will be happy to answer if I can. I've not gone through this personally but have known people who have and seen a lot from the GP side of things

Xx

AskAuntLydia

Wait and see for what? She's most likely been feeling this way for months even years? Just admit that you don't like trans people instead of acting like you have the child's interests at heart.

Why would you suggest the OP's daughter gets a binder when it will crush her breast tissue, restrict her breathing and possibly break her ribs mookinsx?

I have trans friends Lacey. But I will not support giving children drugs or mutilating their bodies when they're still questioning who they are/

mookinsx I absolutely don't agree. My 14 yo can't decide what she wants for dinner, or who she has fallen out/in with this week. IT IS A NORMAL thing for this age especially as mentioned when other factors are involved. Whilst it is fine to be understanding and talk to them about their emotions is is absolutely MAD to start any kind of affirmation and lead them down that track. If mine had been speaking of this for years and years I might have a different view of the path forward. But not when it suddenly presents itself at this tricky age.

Beware of Transgender Trend - it is highly ideologically motivated

My irony detector just exploded!

Sorry OP this is horrible for you I hope you have good support in RL do you have a partner or friends/family to talk to. Does your DD have a good friendship group? What are they like?

But it's a bit weird that when a young person is at an age where Mumsnetters are advocating taking their phone off them at night and wouldn't dream of letting them spend the night with a sexual partner, it's seen as phobic to express doubts about letting them do things which harm their own bodies....

OrchidInTheSun

'I have transgender friends' how does this matter? I'm not saying that we should rush into it but it seems people are willing to allow OP's dd wait for years to make her mind up aka just wait until she gives up.

"If the OPs daughter had come out as gay..."

Incomparable scenario there.
Being gay is a sexual orientation, it requires no puberty blockers or body-damaging treatments or practices.

But if OP's DD had come out as gay, nobody would be suggesting that she go down a road where she do irrevocable things to her body.

According to Transgender Trend's research, many of the young men and women who are currently 'identifying' as being of the opposite binary sex, or gender neutral, are eventually coming through this tumultuous period of their young lives and accepting that they are gay or lesbian, rather than trans.

Transgender Trend is certainly not anti-Trans, by the way. They ARE passionately concerned that vulnerable young people are being encouraged to do damaging things, things that cannot easily be reversed, to their precious bodies. They advocate a 'watch and wait' policy and proper, professional, unbiased counselling. What on earth is wrong with that?

I'm also sick of some of the posters acting like transgerism is a choice...

and I would argue, at the risk of being flamed or deleted, that the current trend to identify as transgender IS a fad, as opposed to being gay or lesbian, where history tells us this has been a fairly consistent part of being human for as long as records exist.

Do you have a 14 yo daughter lacey? Do you know what they are like?

I can only speak from people whom I knew. Of course every child Is different. And probably the experiences I deal with at work are when decisions have been made and this is a while later than the coming out stage.
I always fear when I read things like this, a worst case situation light flashes in my head! However if this does turn out to be something she/he doesn't pursue into an irreversible change. Using a different name or pronouns for a few months would allow her/him to think about everything

The majority of children identifying as trans in their teens desist.
Should all these children be medicated with all the implications involved just in case they are of the 10-20% that continue down that route?

It's a very sad state of affairs when a parent is labelled transphobic simply for expressing a very natural, loving and protective concern for their child.

GlomOfNit I agree. ROGD Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria is a relatively new phenomena. No-one seems to be able to say why but many think it is a social contagion. That's why TT advocates wait and watch rather than drug and harm.

"Again, Transgender Trend is run by parents of trans children. I'm sure they do understand gender dysphoria and what it's like because they are living with it it every day."

No problem. We will just get men to decide what is right for women - after all they are living with us every day so their understanding must be really good.

Limit internet usage. Get her off forums and tumblr.
Explain that she is a female but being a female doesn't mean being girly or feminine. She can dress however she likes without hurting her body. Binders and the pill will hurt her body. She can act and do/like whatever. Nothing is restricted to boys only.
Find out more why she's saying This. Ask more questions. How long? Why? What does being a boy mean that being a girl doesn't? Sexuality?

GlomOfNit

Transgender Trend is certainly not anti-Trans, by the way. They ARE passionately concerned that vulnerable young people are being encouraged to do damaging things, things that cannot easily be reversed, to their precious bodies

This comment in itself is transphobic and rather offensive. Claiming that being a transgender is damaging. . The Dd is vulnerable because she is young she's vulnerable because she's believes she's been born in the wrong body. We don't want a Kaitlyn Jenner situation where is girl is hiding who she is for most of her life. Like I said get counselling so she knows what she's in for if she's a bit worried then wait however if the dd is ready OP needs to be there to guide her through this process. Not telling the DD how 'damaging,' the process is. Trying to bring fear.

I can feel it too. If the OPs daughter had come out as gay

You may well be right. This is probably because being gay doesn't bring earnest recommendations a child crushing their breasts with breast binders or even surgically removing them. Or people advocating they take untested drugs that will have irreversible impact on their future fertility and general health.

My DD has been saying this too. She seems to have a lot of friends who are the same, and reads things on Tumbler.

It's all a bit weird. She began saying it after a very close (adult) family member came out as trans.

My daughter did this when she was 14, I calmly went along with it to a certain extent such as letting her have her hair cut like a boy and buying her clothing from the boys departments in shops. I wouldn't go along with calling her Marcus however as I said until she had transitioned she was still my daughter for now. Within a year she changed her mind

The OP asked for a handhold and I think it's a bit unfair to bombard her with anti trans propaganda such as transgender trend, especially as no male hormones were mentioned in the OP just a binder and the pill to stop periods.

It's also a shame for the OP to think her child could face the same prejudice in life that is being shown on this thread.

OP - if in a few years your child does wish to transition I can reassure you the trans guys I know are some of the loveliest, happiest and most contented people I have ever met.